Re: I feel so down and hopeless

Hi, i am 21 years old living in Venice Italy gay guy out and proud .

I really dont know how to start ... I move to Venice coz i was running away running away from my home country were my brother use drugs and my mom cant do anything about it and where i didnt have a lot of friends were people were very close about homosexuality i was sick of my town the people everything i hate my life there i felt like i could breath i needed to scape and i did , to Italy , i meet someone in internet a friend his boyfriend live here in italy he lives in the US but he was going to be here for summer i dont want to go into details but trying to make things short , i had sex with him he had sex with me i had sex with his boyfriend and also the 3 of us had sex like twice , he left to the US and he broke up with his boyfriend i stood living in his boyfriends house paying a rent and in condition of friend i am not having sex with his him since a year or 2 , i after my arrival in Italy after setting up my visa i start to work in a pizza place as a waiter , it was horrible i didnt have time for myself i work almost all day and just one day off per week WEDNESDAY when everybody was busy ... i couldnt make a lot of friends since i was working all day so all the money i made i buy expensive things "coz i deserved" never really saved money i quit that job and start another job as waiter in a hotel in venice was mostly the same no time and very shitty schedule , since i arrived here i have not make new friends sometimes i feel so lonely and its ironic i wanted free time coz i was feeling overwhealm and now i've been unemployed for more than six months and its the same i just stay at home all day in the pc chatting with boys i meet through internet to relief my "lonelyness" , i eager to have a boyfriend someone who loves me anever leave me alone someone who can be there for me all the time ... since i can remember i''ve been looking for one ... i have travel all europe meeting diferent guys from diferent nationalities and all end it up the same ... bad , me with no money no job no friend no boyfriend and then i had nothing left i go to look to search for something to get my life in order and when i come back i feel even worse since i found myself brokenhearted i've been in germany denmark 3 times sweden and norway ... everytrip was a diferent guy and every trip was the same i go there i have sex with them and then it just stupid coz they dont want to commint or i am realize we are not a like at all then i feel used and stupid for doing it but i keep doing it ... my last trip was to norway and sweden and the funniest thing was than in 2 weeks i was soppose to meet 2 people possibles "life resolvers" (not in a economic way coz i am not a whore) but emotionally ... its just crazy the way i am living my life i hate it ... now i find myself with no job at home locked up not going out my roommate is mad coz i own him about 3000 euros (around 3900 american dollars) some in rent some in "loans" but i have not done anything to look for a job ... i always say i will go tomorrow and then i stay up all night doing nothing on the net ... next day i wake up at 4 pm and again to the pc to do whatever , i hate my life i have no motivation and sometimes i have suicidal thoughts i wonder why i am here in italy i wonder if i want to go back home but i dont ... but i dont want to stay here neither so i wonder have i scaped from Venezuela or i am just been scaping from myself all this time ? i need to go on i need to get a job but its hard ... i have no motivation at all .. i feel stuck , i need money i need a job but i feel sad and depressed coz i dont have friend i feel like nobody loves me ... i do have luck on my "sexual life" coz i am cute enough to get a shag if i wanted to but once again sex doesnt satisfited me anymore nothing seams to satisfy me i promise myself that today i will go to get a job but once again is 5 10 am and i am here up on the pc theres no way i could get up tomorrow morning to look for a job ... also today i was looking on the internet for a job and i saw some annouces that said (no foreign people) Italians are so FUCKING racist makes me angry but in a way i feel again rejected ... i am eating very bad i mean no schedulles and i dont even think i am eating 3 times per day i am also staying up all night and sleeping half of the day my roommate threath me to kick me out if i dont start paying soon ... but how can i start when i feel so down ... i am tired , tired of being alone tired of looking for someone to love me tired of feeling lonely ... i had Shingles last year in november and tonigh i realize i might have it AGAIN! i read that stress and depression is crucial on this illness also had psoriasis which by the way also read is related somehow with your moods . i just dont know what to do ... i need some warm voice i need some hope some light at the end of the tunnel i cant go on like this anymore ...