GP: Childs anger

I have a 10 year old daughter who expresses severe outbursts of anger. She can't explain why it happens, and claims she feels like she can't control it. during her episodes, she screams, crys, bangs her head on the walls, throws things and just keeps telling me I don't understand. These meltdowns will last for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour, when which she then starts to sob and repeatedly cry that she doesnt understand why she soes these things. Usually these tantrums start when she doesnt get her way, but we have never been the parents to give in to these meltdowns. Once we say something we mean it, and don't let her change our minds. She knows this, and knows that she will be punished for her actions, but just loses control. Any suggestions?

Try this strategy the next time a conflict situation occurs. Say to your daughter: o.k., now we have different opinions, let’s see if we can find a solution we both can be satisfied with.

Start negotiating. Don’t give up until you both are happy with the solution. Do not use force against your daughter. Take a break in the negotiations if you start fighting or your daughter throws a tantrum. Never punish your daughter for her outbursts because punishment can cause her to repeat the behaviour just as reward does. Both enhance the behaviour. The best thing to do is to simply ignore it and leave her alone until she has calmed down. Praise the behaviour that you like and want to strengthen, and don’t even comment on the behaviour you dislike. Surprisingly enough, this is a very effective method to get rid of unwanted behaviour patterns.

In a few years your daughter will be grown up and take control over her own life. When that time comes it will be better for both of you if you have learned to solve conflicts in a more constructive way. If you don’t, there’s a risk that your daughter will choose not to have you in her life once she is old enough to make her own choices. A strict upbringing might be to the parents’ advantage until the child turns 15 or so, after that the child is the stronger part. So for your own sake: never use force against your children.

Here’s an example of successful problem solving:

Mom: Of course, Paula should eat dinner with her family every day.

Paula: I don’t want to have dinner with the family; I want to decide for myself.

Through negotiation, Paula and her mother agree on the following solution: Paula eats dinner with her family four nights a week and does what she wants to the remaining three days. This way Paula has a chance to be with her friends or eat dinner by herself when she comes home.