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KOM2002 (plain)  Divorce problems

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reply Frånskild mamma, de gemensamma barnen och mannens nya flickvän , Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92 , 13 Sep 2003 14:19
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Divorce problems
From: ******
Date: Sat, 13 Sep 2003 14:18:38 +0200
Language: English

 


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I need help.

My divorce became final just this last week. I left my ex after 12 years together. The first year he pursued for reconciliation. The second has been focused on acceptance and understanding.We have both moved on positively.. We have two children 8 and 5 years old. My ex and I have an excellent friendship and parenting objective. We actively stay in communication about the kids and help each other out if needed. I have a wonderful Fiance and a daughter who is now 1 year old. We actively go to family counseling to insure and help with blending issue. This has been extremely positive for our family. My Fiance is very supportive and has even commented on how well my ex and I work together.

With the divorce, my ex and I said that we did not want to play the role of the "normal" divorce parents. We were willing to communicate, open door policy, with regard to the kids emotional well being. We have done excellent. We share the trouble and the happiness and I have felt that our friendship has helped the kids adjust to the change. We have explained to them that Daddy and I are friends and will always do what we need to do together to be there for them.

This was an exceptional situation. Any counselor, friend or family member has gone out of there way to say that the relationship we have maintained is the best support for the kids and if it works well than we are the luckiest people to have found it.

My kids are with me M-F and go every weekend F (night) to Sunday afternoon to their father. We have over the last two years of separation brought a philosophy forward that the kids stay as in touch with Daddy as much as possible so they can share what's happened in the day with them and this allows him to stay connected to them. The same goes for me during the weekend. This makes them feel they are not without him/me or that we are too far from their everyday happenings in their life. Each morning we call on our way to school to say good morning, at bedtime they call to say goodnight and sometimes through the day if something special has happened at school they call to tell him. This has been an established pattern that has worked well on both sides. I welcome them to call Daddy anytime they are with me and he does the same. We both are not bothered by the call, but support it.

My ex recently has become involved with a woman at work who is going through divorce and has now become his girlfriend. We have actively tried to work together to help the kids transition into this so they feel no "pull" or sadness with this new member of the family. This lady is someone he is planning a future with. She is 32, been married for 14 years and has no children. She is adjusting to the change in family lifestyle with kids involved. She gets put off very easily if he is having a conversation with me on the phone and has said that his relationship with between him and me is not OK. We are both moving forward and do not hold any feelings of future reconcilement and he has told her so. There have been some major bumps in this transition phase. She is going through an "emotional crisis" with her divorce and needs to feel a secure devotion from my ex for security purposes. She has caused some problems where the kids are concerned. There have been a few events in which he has either committed time to her or the children and has had to let one of them down. He is trying to be more structured and learn from the past and schedule things so that these conflicts do not arise.

Recently she has suggested "that the frequency in calls from the children and the schedule calls for good morning and goodnight are possibly not good for the children". My ex wrote to inquire about what she questioned as something "abnormal and never been seen before" in regard to the calls. I think she is feeling displaced and do not want to promote any anxiety in the situation but I am fearful that this suggestion of limiting their contact to him is a dangerous suggestion. He listened to her suggestion and wrote to a counselor on the web. The counselor wrote back saying the schedule of calls is "abnormal or uncommon." I need help here to understand how something positive that has arisen out of a negative situation (Divorce) is something to consider as abnormal. We are not cut from the mainstream thinking of most divorced couples. We have always had different ideas on family, children and friendship. I'm not saying that my kids didn't experience the sadness, confusion and anger that results from a divorce, but I am saying that our kids have two parents that love them, are willing to work together to help the other parent stay involved with the kids and are more concerned about the effects of the divorce than on the normal way that has been recently suggested i.e calls should be limited when time is being spent with the other parent.

I am scared that this "abnormal" behavior that was tagged by a counselor on the web might cause some major problems for the children..I am also scared that I could be wrong and in fact possibly hurting the children. It feels awful inside to think of telling my children that they can't call their dad knowing that the calls are happily received on his side when the girlfriend is not around. I am in full understanding that her additional problems with his relationship to me is threatening to her and we have come to some agreements about limiting our conversations when she is there. My thoughts are that security in their relationship will only come from within her knowing and believing that he is committed to her and that contact with me should not be an insecurity. I want my children to have a positive relationship with her. This is what is best for them. Her suggestion of limiting, stopping calls from two small hearts and minds that miss their daddy is so upsetting to me. Considering, she has no children, does not understand the commitment to them and is willing to try to change something that works well for them doesn't sound positive.

If I am told that this "abnormal" behavior can negatively affect the children I will consider this and do more research to find the best solution for the children. I am open to listening and change if there is possible negative results from the staying in touch. I am looking to get advice from a neutral party.

Please Help,
Anna
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Frånskild mamma, de gemensamma barnen och mannens nya flickvän (Reply to: 13621 from ****** )
From: Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92
Date: Sat, 13 Sep 2003 14:19:06 +0200
Language: Swedish , English

 


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Barn mår bra av att ha rätt att ringa sina föräldrar när de själva vill och behöver. Det är en trygghet för dem. Det är din mans nya flickvän som inte mår bra av telefonsamtalen. Hennes första prioritering kommer inte att vara att dina barn ska ha det bra utan att hon själv får en så stark position som möjligt i förhållandet till din f.d. man. Hon kommer att se till sina egna intressen eftersom hon är osäker och hon kan känna sig svartsjuk på både dig och barnen.

Nu kommer en ny fas i er skilsmässa: Maktkampen mellan dig och din f.d. mans nya flickvän och maktkampen mellan henne och barnen om din mans gunst och stöd. Hur den utfaller beror på hur förhållandet är mellan din f.d. man och henne. Den som är starkast kan sätta dagordningen. Om din man är djupt förälskad i henne har han svårare att sätta gränser och kommer att se till hennes behov snarare än till barnens. Kvinnor kan ha effektiva maktmedel gentemot män.

Du är oroad därför att din f.d. mans nya flickvän inte ser saker och ting som du önskar att hon gjorde. Hon kan å andra sidan se dig som ett hot och ett problem. Hon kanske vill ha egna barn. Hon vill kanske inte att dina barn ska få ärva din man på hennes bekostnad. Hon vill helst inte ha dem hos sig utan vill vara ensam med mannen. Hon vill säkert inte alls att du och han ska ha en nära och förtrolig vänskap. Det kommer att vara jobbigt för henne varje gång du och han behöver tala om barnen. Om barnen ringer till honom när de vill, kommer hon att känna att hon när som helst kan bli störd och aldrig får vara ifred med sin älskade. Hon vill vara nummer ett hos honom. Dig och barnen skulle hon trolla bort om hon kunde. Hon har inte valt honom för att få umgås med dina barn. Hon har valt honom trots dina barn.

Vad kan du göra? Du behöver acceptera att maktförhållandena är förändrade och att dina barns väl kanske inte har högsta prioritet längre. I denna nya situation behöver du vara klok och vuxen. Den nya kvinnan skulle kanske känna sig mindre hotad och utanför om du i första hand talade med henne och inte med mannen. Det är säkert ändå hon som står i bakgrunden och regisserar. Då får hon mera kontroll som hon behöver för att känna sig trygg. Vid sådana samtal behöver du vara stödjande och förstående, inte kritisk och anklagande.

Skulle det vara möjligt för din man att ringa till barnen på stunder när den nya kvinnan inte blir störd av telefonsamtalen? Vore det möjligt att barnen ringer dig när hon är upptagen med något annat som att duscha eller shoppa? Kanske blir hon inte lika störd av samtalen om hon inte direkt konfronteras med dem.

Att leva i styvfamilj kan vara plågsamt för alla inblandade och kräver en mognad som inte alla har. Det går inte att lösa problemen bara genom att ta reda på vad som är objektivt bäst för barnen. De kan bara lösas om man ser till alla parters intressen och behov, även din mans nya flickvän. Det kan vara bättre för barnen att hon känner sig trygg. Olösta konflikter med henne kan vara till skada för alla, även barnen.

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Re: Divorce problems (Reply to: 13621 from ****** )
From: ******
Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 20:07:43 +0200
Language: English

 


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Let your husband move on in his relationship and explain to your kids that their dad needs some time to "bond" with this person. Maybe your communication should only be through his girlfriend. Give her the respect to be included. You already rejected him, now let him go. Tough on the kids, but that was your decision.


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KOM 2002