Re: GP: Relationships - Do I have feelings for an old friend?

Last year I got back in contact with an old friend. Our friendship ended very badly and we ended up not speaking to each other for over 6 years. Before the bad times I considered him my best friend. Even my soulmate. We would stay up until all hours talking about nothing. We could carry on entire conversations without ever speaking at times, we were so in tune. Early on in our friendship he admitted to me that he had broken up with his last girlfriend because he was in love with me. He was a serial dater - going from one long term relationship to the next and I knew he had a hard time staying faithful. I followed my instincts and told him that before I could even consider dating him that he needed to be single for a while and learn to be alone because I was afraid he would smother me and continue to repeat the pattern. I also knew too much about his past. Two weeks later he was in a new relationship with another woman. We remained best friends during their entire 2 year relationship. Yet, occasionally profess his love for me. It soon became evident to me that he had a drinking problem. And eventually he came to the realization himself and, thankfully, joined AA. When every other friend he had abandoned him I continued to believe in him. Knowing him as intimately as I did I saw the potential inside to become an amazing person when he got all his stuff together. We were both young and he ended up turning on me too and pushing me out of his life. He treated me horribly emotionally. And he hurt me deeply. I never knew what became of him. Over the years I would have the occasional nightmare about him. Once, I thought I saw him - but of course it wasn't him. I didn't know if I was going to slap him or hug him. I had so much pain and anger and bitterness to deal with after he betrayed me. I hated him. Our mutual friends all assumed we still kept in touch since we had been so close and would ask me about him and I had nothing to say.

After many years of silence, and some growing up, I decided to contact him last year. I wanted some closure. I wanted this ghost out of my life for good. So I got up the guts and wrote him an email. I didn't really expect an answer at all. And all I wanted was to know he was healthy, alive and well and end it all. He wrote me back immediately. He told me that he had been trying to track me down for several years now. He was successful, married, sober and most importantly, happy. We started emailing back and forth occasionally, catching up on our lives and getting to know each other again. It was more than I expected and I was extremely cautious at first - not opening up too much to him. But I realized that, finally, he had grown into the man I always knew he could be and I was proud of him for that. About 9 months ago we started talking daily, electronically, about our relationships, how our days were going, and started healing old wounds.

He is now going through a divorce. And I have recently split with my long-time boyfriend (we had been having problems for 2 years). Through the break-up process we've been helping each other emotionally letting the other one vent and giving advice, and possibly flirting. The problem is, I think I might have feelings for him. It seems that occasionally he gets flirty with me. He got extremely excited when he found out I was going to be out to his coast for Thanksgiving - even trying to convince me to find a way to see him (he'll be 3 hours away) on my 3 day trip. But then the next day is talking about a girl he's got a date with. I play it off as cool, but I find myself getting a little upset when he talks about other women. I know that I am being totally irrational. I haven't even seen the guy face-to-face for 7 years. I still have major trust issues with him because of our past. I totally stand behind my decision not to date him way back when, but now he's got his life together, he's sober and he's looking more and more like the man I knew he could be. For years people always told me that I light up when I talk about him. And this summer when I told my mother that we had made amends she asked if he was the one I that was in love with in college. I think I might have suppressed those feelings back then, but am I just projecting now. I'm just on this emotional rollercoaster right now and I'm struggling to keep my clarity.

I know that I am dealing with a breakup, but I've had feelings for him for years. I just had the good sense to stay away in the past. I just don't know what to do.