Am I In love With My Friend?

About year ago I got back in contact with an old friend. Our friendship ended very badly and we ended up not speaking to each other for over 6 years. Before the bad times I considered him my best friend. Even my soulmate. We would stay up until all hours talking about nothing. We could carry on entire conversations without ever speaking at times, we were so in tune. Early on in our friendship he admitted to me that he had broken up with his girlfriend because he was in love with me. He was a serial dater - going from one long term relationship to the next and I knew he had a hard time staying faithful. I followed my instincts and told him that before I could even consider dating him that he needed to be single for a while and learn to be alone because I was afraid he would smother me and continue to repeat the pattern. I also knew too much about his past. Two weeks later he was in a new relationship with another woman. We remained best friends during their entire relationship. Yet, occasionally profess his love for me while he was still with her. It soon became evident to me that he had a drinking problem. And eventually he joined AA. When every other friend he had abandoned him I continued to believe in him. Knowing him as intimately as I did I saw the potential inside him to become an amazing person when he got all his stuff together. We were both young and he ended up turning on me too and pushing me out of his life. He treated me horribly emotionally. And he hurt me deeply. He cut off all contact and I never knew what became of him. Over the years I would have the occasional nightmare about him. Once, I thought I saw him walking down the street - but of course it wasn't him. I didn't know if I was going to slap him or hug him. I had so much pain and anger and bitterness to deal with after he betrayed me. I hated him.

After many years of silence, and some growing up, I decided to contact him last year. I needed some closure. I wanted this ghost out of my life for good. So I got up the guts and wrote him an email. I really didn't expect an answer at all. And all I wanted was to know he was healthy, alive and well and end it all. He wrote me back immediately. He told me that he had been trying to track me down for several years now. He was successful, married, sober and most importantly, happy. We started emailing back and forth occasionally, catching up on our lives and getting to know each other again. It was more than I expected and I was extremely cautious at first - not opening up too much to him. But I realized that, finally, he had grown into the man I always knew he could be and I was proud of him for that.

We exchange multiple emails daily. He is now divorced. And I am single. Through our emails we've been helping each other emotionally letting the other one vent and giving advice, and possibly flirting. The problem is, I think I might have feelings for him. And sometimes it seems that occasionally he is flirting with me. We don't live in the same state anymore. He got very excited when he heard I would be coming near where he lived on a business trip next month. He tried to convince me to meet up with him even though I will still be 4 hours away and only in town for the weekend. Then the next day he is talking to me about the all dates he's going on. I play it off as cool, but recently I've found myself getting a little upset when he talks about other women.

I know that I am being totally irrational. I haven't even seen the guy face-to-face for several years. I still have major trust issues with him because of our past. I totally stand behind my decision not to date him way back when, but now he's got his life together, he's sober and he's looking more and more like the man I knew he could be. For years people always told me that I light up when I talk about him. And this summer when I told my mother that we had made amends she asked if he was the one I that was in love with in college. I think I might have suppress and deny those feelings back then. So am I just projecting now? I'm just on this emotional rollercoaster right now and I'm struggling to keep my clarity.

Could it be that I've had feelings for him for all these years but I just had the good sense to stay away in the past? Do I admit to him that I might have feelings for him and risk that he doesn't feel the same way? I just don't know what to do and it's tearing me up inside.

Honey,
This man has a pattern of lack of commitment, regardless of his past marriage. In your case , you believe, you love this man , but he is still showing a pattern of wishy washy behaviors. Yes, he is happy to hear from you because you are a familar stable person from his past life and now.. then he goes on about dating other women again. Hm, does this sound familar to you? The mere fact that he wanted for you to see him being four hours away shows a lack of inconsidereation on his part.... sound like romeo has a lot of growing up to do. Sweetheart, really think this through..serious relationships take work and going by the presention sounds like he needs a friend more then a partner... why tear yourself up emotionally with him. I am all for love and believe a basis for a relationship is friendship and the rest will follow.If he was ready for you , he would show by his word and actions to show you are on the same page. There are people whom need a friend they can confide in while they are dealing with a situation . At times like their egos stroke that a another person is giving them , one to one attention. good luck in what ever you do.
Serene