Re: Just Devestated

Okay... I guess I will start at the begining...a friend of mine and I went to a bar one night... she was seeing one of the bouncers that worked there. We walked towards the back and I had knew the guy she was seeing from highschool, she introduced me to his friend. He went to shake my hand- so I extended mine and when our hands met he pulled me close to give me a hug... I was kind of like OKAY- so that was that... me and my girlfriend went and danced and had a few drinks... I dont even think I had thought anything of it at all... After the club my friend said that her guy from the club was coming over and his friend said he liked what he saw and wanted to come to(refering to me). So they come over, all 4 of us stay up late talking and laughing, you name it... Now I had never even thought for a second to think he was married- it never crossed my mind. I dont think a man being married ever crossed my mind because Ive never met or been around someone who would even think of talking to another girl while being married. But at this time he hadnt said anything about having a wife and daughter at home. So that night they came over, I dont think I was to enthusiastic- I wasn't sure if I was interested or not... but we did click incredibly. He was soulful, and he could sing, he was extremely funny and those are all the qualities I'd hoped to find in a long term partner. So we hung out a few more times but he never wore a ring and always reffered to his wife as his ex. I knew he had a daughter but he showed me a pic of her and it was a family photo. Of him, his wife, and daughter... Now I am a plus size female with alot of care for what I look like... Just say I keep myself well polished... and I look at the picture and she is this board thin red haired pale faced woman that looked like she hadnt done a thing with herself in years. The truth finally came out...but he acted as if it didnt matter to him, he said they dont talk and he sleeps on the couch all the time. He said the reason they got married was because he felt like he owed it to her for sticking by his side for 2 years while he was incarsarated. I asked if they had a big wedding and he said they got married at the court house shortly after his release. So I know how this has got to sound by now- but there is more... I should of done alot of things... I couldn't understand how me and her were these two totally different people- I know you shouldnt judge a book by its cover but you can tell- I mean you can totally tell we are opposite appearence wise and humor, likes dislikes, attitude, hell everything about us had to be different. I couldnt understand why he would marry someone who would seem like a wrong fit from the start. So he became my bestfriend, he became the lover I never had... We connected in so many ways... All along I knew what I was doing was wrong and it hurt being alone on the holidays and only being seen at night unless I complained about it...I met all his friends and most of his family. Its weird because it was almost as if this was accepted...But then again its not what I wanted. This went on for 3 or 4 years... I still care alot about him and I think I see people how I want to see them instead of for who they truly are... I hate him for doing this to me, I hate him for making me feel this way... I moved 5 months ago about 700 miles away for a job preposition and it does seem easier to get him off my mind but Im not sure what my question is... I just want to move on but the memories pop in my head all the time and not thinking about him isnt possible. He is a bouncer and a DJ and he has recorded me all these CD's and the cd's alone represent us and who we were as friends and lovers... I am so stupid-I am so retarded for even going there... Through out the 4 years, we would always break it off for 6 months and then be right back where we were...pete and repeat... We talked more than we made love ever... sometimes I think we were soul mates...I think he did to but was to affraid to say it because that might mean he could feel something good and god for bid that would happen... I remember arguing with him one night and I said " You love me right" and this was like after 5 months after I met him and he said " YES" I was so shocked by what I had screamed out and then even more shocked by his reply... So I moved and I haven't talked to him since Christmas Eve and thats been almost 2 months now...I care for him alot but I think all or if not most of my feelings are dead... he didn't want to leave his wife for the sake of his 8 yr old daughter... But that's all just a load of crap... Well Im not sure I have a guestion that I need answered however, I would appreciate some feed back or some concern... thanks for your ears or in this case your eyes...Thanks