Breaking up my family

My wife's condition is breaking up my family. She is suffering from depression, and has not been able leave the house on her own or work for over a year. On occasions she feels suicidal. No matter how we as a family try to help her it is impossible to ease her condition. Her attitude is exceptionally confrontational and argumentative.One by one she will pick on a family member and concentrate on what she sees as their faults. More often than not these are imaginary or so minor they would not normally be considered. She cannot except any form of discussion which leaves the one under verbal attack in a state of desperation. Most relatives no longer talk to her and my children are leaving home.

My wife's treatment has been closed to the family because the cause of the problems stem from past abuse, but at the same time nobody has offered any advise on how to help or deal with the situation. I just try to be sympathetic and calm, its all very distressing. How should we deal with this situation?

Hi !

Any chronic mental health problem can cause severe trouble and emotional distress to all members of a family. Caregivers of depressive patients are very often very supportive in the beginning. Understanding that depression is not a personal fault but a neurobiological disorder or dysbalance of neurotransmitters is useful. It is necessary to be supportive and to understand the reduced functioning including cognitive impairments of the depressed person. But this is not an excuse for any cruel additute towards your or your family.

I know it is very hard to cope with this situation. It is similiar to the situation of caregivers of a patient with cancer. And we know that these family members have a rather hight risk to be depressed after a while as well.

What could you do ?
1. Make sure your wife gets the best treatment. If she is still depressed she might need a better medication or other treatment options. If it is more or less avoidance behaviour (staying at home but mainly because of fears to be negativly judged or lack of energy) a cognitive behavioural therapist might give you tips how to handle the problem
2. Try to connect to other people ("Do not worry alone" !) You could look for an online community, a local self-help group or talk to other people (at church, in your town, your family). It is not your fault and you cannot influence the outcome right now. But you need support.
3. Talk to your doctor about your situation. Maybe it would be useful to consider impatient therapy for your wife or consider psycho-social support for your family. And maybe talking about the problem with an expert is a good way to cope. Sometimes antidepressant medication for the caregiver is another option.

4. Do not try to force or push her. She will reply to this approach with resistance. Talk to a skilled psychotherapist to make a concrete treatment plan to increase her daily activities and positive activities first.
5. Do not forget yourself and your needs. Reserve at least 30 minutes per day for your own recreation and hobbies.

Here are some other tips
http://www.noah-health.org/english/illness/mentalhealth/cornell/recovery/helpdep.html :