Re: Lonely, Depressed, & Anxious

Hey there, my name is Jehnna. Im 26, maried, 2 kids. But my 'other' family is bad too. Very. I feel lonely too etc. We tend to feel that way when we are sad. They go hand in hand. Of course there isnt any happiness when you feel that way. So dieing seems better. I used to ponder death as a child a lot. Studied it. But even though I had never felt happiness since birth at that time, I wanted to stay alive to finally feel it. I wanted to grow up, so I could finally get away. Since you have no feelings for your family, like me, you should leave. I did. It felt good. Only problem is, when you do go, remember that all the experimenting with your emotions that will inevitably come once your free, may hurt too.
Three rules during this time till you become more wise after studying your emotions: Dont hurt your self or cause yourself to loose freedom, such as doing bad things that make you go to jail, Two: dont hurt others, cause then once youve fixed your self, you will have that. Instead of only feeling sad, study the deeper feelings you have at that moment. Basically, dont waste that time and energy on only feeling and not fixing. Its like when you see that there is dishes or chores or other responsibility things and you stop and look at them, but rather then doing the proper work now, you walk by, knowing it will build up and just be more work later. Likewise, dont ignore your feelings and let them build up, it just makes more to sift through when trying to understand where the source of one emotion or another came from.
You want to end up being someone that you can say 'Im am not deserving of those things", and if you have done bad things, then stop immediately forever. When I worked on myself. I didnt talk for a year except one word replies and such. So I could really ponder my emotions. You may find a procedure that works for you in figuring yourself out, but for me, my process was just taking one step at a time. It was obvious that I was seriously demented and messed up from my childhood and had waaaaay to many manifestations of that 'messedupdedness', I found that taking one of those manifestations and following it backwards that I found source after source. its a great trick if want to give it a try. I know how your was, but mine was bad enough that one of my serious 'walls' between me and understanding myself was that I had serious dissociative problems due to suppressed memories. And following emotions back helped me open that, still , after 15 years.
Example, I would say, 'I cant stand walking by mirrors, I feel such and such way, why? The I connect it with my obsessive phobia of cameras hiden behind mirrors or in toilets or people peeking in through the blinds etc. Im sure you can see where this is going? Went back to back to incest and 'watching'. And my family having orgies on the floor and in the garage/den, yuck. Hehe. How does just knowing why you feel the way you do help? Well, one of many reasons is that afterwards we can think rationally about them, not like a sobbing idiot who only 'feels' and does nothing about it, hehe. You know that 'calm' or 'empty' feeling as some 'being sad-lovers' or confused people sometimes call it that we get from prolonged abuse, Thats misunderstood in my book. That, paired with your detachment from your family will help you to move away from them. And once youve come to understand yourself better, that will be a place of enlightenment for you. The calm place where you reflect with great wisdom about your life, (while sipping a cup of good tea perhaps?) Then you become like those kinds of people, but we all had to go through this rough part first. Think of it as a chance to be a part of the elite people of the world, those of us who seem to understand everything and everyone. (Only be wary of becoming like those emotional savants who always seem to be popular because of their wit and intelligence but dont like people. It may seem cool in movies, but its lonely. Very. In fact, for a great many years, I used the knowledge I had gained to 'remake' myself into a 'normal' person. I tried becoming as unknowledgeable as others, and made myself 'stupid'. Ended up wasting about 10 years using that same knowledge changing my personality a few times trying to find my true one ( since such messed up mental and physical abuse since birth made me not have one, only be fear, anger, and confusiion incarnate).
After trying to find the best way to to be 'normal/stupid' and find my 'me', I have finally come to the conclusion that I had no me. There was never a chance to be a person. This I knew, but didnt want to accept, especially since through this I was still working things out and living with suppressed memories and their affects.
I know this all seems long winded, I know you lonely and probly would rather be sharing your problems then hear someone elses. But I figured after read reading some of the pointless, cliche, and unhelpful responses that just sound like, oh, suicide isnt the way, and youl go to hell!, you might appreciate hearing how someone else actually GOT through what seems like neverending sadness for you right now. Of course, Im no genius writer or anything, since I think way to fast its hard to write such complicated ideas slowly and in a way for someone whos intelligence I know nothing of to undersatand. Though Im assuming that since your intimate with emotion, you might use that to 'feel' what Im saying. Dont kill yourself, and dont kill them either, haha. Go away from them. Even if yo have to live in the tiniest apartment because of the change. Forget them, dont answer their calls, dont call them. After a while, believe it or not, if you are successful like I was, youll be able to talk to them and even see them. And when they do their crap, you can ignore them, toss your hair and walk out midsentence, alk back in afterwards with a smile on your face because of your detachment, I only remain in contact with those horrible people so I can study myself and them more. I give myself doses of them to see my progress. It also becomes obvious what things I need to work or rework on. Its like anything, including religion, you have to keep working on it. Just like the bible explains how because God knows hes asking for unnatural goodness out of natural sinners, He teaches to KEEP reading and meditating and spending time working on yourself, this works for people who arent religious as well. I like to remember that if God doesnt exist, then the Bible is a working of many many of the wisest phsycologists to share the same concept. How to get people to obey a kind of law of goodness and safety in a world where governmetn law was currupt or not on their front doors or completely nonexistent in some times, to obey because they themselves wanted to, even when noone was looking.
If you get those suicidal thoughts about how lonely you are because you feel such pain and people just dont care, and the people who should love you dont and what not, just decide to love you self. I used to be the school bully because I was angry and wanted to kill someone, I hoped someone would try so I could kill them, but in all that, I only beat up other bullies. I couldnt bring myself to become what I hated. I wanted to escape them and if I did bad things like them, then once I left them, I would hate me too and maybe want to kill myself to get away from me, but since I hated the idea of loosing the freedom to choose and after you kill yourself you cant choose, I would end up haveing multiple personalities, which I ended up having anyways to hide from suppressed memories. but I was able to think that all out through my process of finding the source of each things and connecting them so I could see my whole life like maybe God would. From beginning to present, like a spider web. No I can ride around on that web and do anyrthing and be anyone. You really get to a cool place, then not only are you not afraid of the pain other cause or could still cause you, you are both armed better then they are and know more about those people then they of themselfs. And they seems small, and their bites and barks childish, comical even, then, once your not angry any more, you become sad for them. Wishing they could overcome what makes them that way. Interesting huh? So, again, dont kill yourself, your still only in the first stage of greatness, the part where your still recieving the things meant for you from the world. Accept them, ponder them, learn from them, dont waste them. Master them. Please, and tell me (who is smiling at the anticipation at the thought of yet another person overcoming the fate of being normal, stupid, and flighty in their thoughts). Stay free, stay pure, study and love yourself diligently.
Also, dont feel like oyu need to stay in contact with them cause they are yo ur family, most only do because people say one should, and because theyve been a part of your life forever. Its like divorcing or more, I sugest remebering to make yourself pretty every day, putting on your 'serene stranger' aura, and being where people are. It invites them to come talk to you. Also, if you are overweight or feel lacking somewhere else, such as wanting to learn a new language and such, this is the perfect time to fix those things. It helps you think, and also feel better for the obvious reasons. I would also refrain from relationships during this time, for a few years so you can reflect properly. Of course, I know thats hard, since you 20, female, lonely, and probly almost damn near anxious for people to 'hear' you and love you.
Whcih brings me to yet another piece of advice. Whilst reflecting, remember that one of the most important things to keep in mind is being honest with you views of yourself. That in and of itselfs will help you understand/overcome a ton all along the way. Another in not to live in fear. Most fear being honest with themselves, some despise the things they find out about them selves. Such as longing for attention and love. As though were depraved or something. And if we are? If its the truth then its the truth. A part of being honest with yourself is accepting those truths. I always felt that if I am a certain way, then I am. Im not talking about not being able to fix or change or anything, what Im talking about is accepting the truth with out fear or embarrassment and moving on with that. Every little thing one finds out or knew but finally admits and accepts, hleps with our journey. That journey out of hell. I wonder about your hell.
So...Tell me, in fact, if you would, tell me everything.