Self-Esteem? Identity? Dependance? Yet I am so much of an Individualist person!

Is it normal you have no brothers played sports but lacked the fraternity of boys and you always want to be well in front of Alpha males and you feel special when they interact with you?

Thing is, I have always been shy and looked up to other boys as being superior even though people told me not to because I seem to be (organically- good-sized) and very handsome, to say the least.

I really have this feeling of need regarding having some better relation ships with boys since I do not have many friends and those I have a females (like 2-3).
I do have a girlfriend but I think there is always something missing, like I am in need of something more.

I will be honest: I have experienced both sides of the coin- boys and females.
I do not necessarily see myself hand-in-hand with a boy and marry myself to one, but I really think
I need affection from guys and that is so weird to say because I had never dare to speak or even- think about it until NOW, in this text box, and I am sure that many of you people (if any) who are reading this, will categorize me as as weirdo but I do not know how to react to this and what to do with it.

I did try to have more buddies but its hard because they are always unimportant or do not care THAT much into me.
I have been an elite athlete for many years and stopped since about 10 months and I also feel a void within myself, I think I had more self-confidence when I was practicing sports and I think that working-out would have raised my chances of meeting new people- I don't know?

I know this is impossible for YaHoo Answers but I would really like a psychological-view-based answer from ANYONE and yes- I intend to go and see a psychologist when time shall allow it.

I must say I am almost 20 years old and this has been a recurring and nagging, negative aspect of my live for around 8, if not 10 years.

Could anyone enlighten me?
Because I am completely lost in my unconsciousness..


Thank you so much