Here's the thing, according to other people, I am good at many things. The problem is that what I am good at are not what other people care about.
I am in an undergrad school. Academically, I am doing very well despite my uber high expectation I have for myself. Yet, I feel like I "don't have a life." I am jealous of other people that they are having fun and enjoy stuff while still being able to maintain exceptionally good performance in school. I have this idea of superiority complex and inferiority complex at the same time. At some extent, I feel I am better than most people but I am jealous and think that I am nothing compared to them. I am just jealous of other people, and I feel like however hard I try, I can never be as "normal" as they are. Also,it pisses me off at how many times people say they want to be like me.
I get along with people very well, I go to parties, I hang out with people, people come to hang out with me, but I feel lost and alone. I just feel like I am faking to be happy and lovable around people.
With this, I mean, it sort of interferes with/amplifies my other normal teenager's student issues, causing frustrations socially, sexually, intelectually and whatever-ly I could think of. Now, those frustrations turn into anger towards people around me.
- I have tried to relax, going out and meeting people, but I feel, with that, I have to be even tougher on myself with my academics to compensate the time I spend towards "having a life."
- I've been trying to see someone romantically, but it always end up with a pointless hook-up or drama and such, making me want to just give up on finding someone.
- I get all frustrated with this friend, who is a nerdy jock, having a serious relationship with his girlfriend, doing just great on academics, and he says he is looking up to me, wanting to be like me academic-wise. I mean, you are already perfect, just shut up.
- I just feel guilty, trying to enjoy myself in general. That makes me overstressed with academics, hence, all the academic achievements.
- People keep suggesting me to seek professional help, but I know what my problems are and other people have much worse issues than me. Also, I just can't make myself to believe that I can change or improve those issues.