Advice To Judges: Just Say

Family court judges need to be the last line of defense for children when
heir family ties are at risk.

When divorcing parents come to a family court judge and each says, "I am
the better parent. Take away the parental rights of the other parent and
make me the only parent, the sole custodian of my kids," the judge should
look them both in the eye and just say, "No."

The judge should say to the parents:

"Is either of you both a mommy and a daddy? No.

"Is either of you alone capable of giving your children all the mother's
and father's love and guidance and protection to which they are entitled?
No.

"Is either of you alone capable of connecting your children to both their
sets of grandparents and all their aunts and uncles and cousins ˜ their
full family heritage? No.

"Can either of you alone be loved by your children in the different ways
that children love their mother and their father? No.

"The answer to all these questions is the same. No.

"You are adults. You may no longer wish to be married. You may wish to
divorce. You have the right to do this. But you must act responsibly
towards your kids. They are not adults. They have children's needs that
only both their mommy and their daddy can satisfy.

"So I will answer your requests with a simple 'No'.

"You, sir, will remain your children's father. You, madam, will remain
your children's mother. Absent clear and convincing evidence that either
of you is a threat to your children, this is my decision. Look after your
children, both of you. They need you both. Don't let them down.

"Learn to work together on this. If I do have to remove custody from one
of you, it will be because you have interfered with or attempted to
undermine the other parent in their contact with, parenting of, or
relationship with their children. Remember that.

"This time I am just saying, 'No.' Next time you try to separate your
children from the other parent, without evidence of criminal neglect or
abuse, you will be punished.

"Give your children the greatest gift you can, the freedom to love their
other parent. Support them in this. Do not let your personal feelings
toward your ex-spouse hurt your children. When these bad feelings surface
and attempt to motivate you to say or do things that would hurt your
children, look those feelings firmly in the eye and just say, 'No.'"

Don Bieniewicz