Friends, lies and suffering

I lied about having a disorder to my two best friends on of them having the disorder. I was actualy doing it but I wasent adicted to it and so I gave false impressions and decived them. long story short i felt guilty and led to tell them the truth. they are boyfriend/girlfriend so they are close to each other and I was in a way always jellous of that as I had no real friends growing up. well she stoped speaking to me for a while and he was angery at me then they told me that they forgave me? and so we seemed to connect again. however just recently i found out after giving her some time alone without me talking to her she dislikes me intensly and even wrote some rather hurtful stuff in her live journal. even before this i was having nightmares where we were friends again and something always was too good or went wrong. that as well as many things that also add to my pain hurt. even though they say they arnt my friends anymore (but we still talk) I still feel a loyalty to them and I still think of them as my two closest friends.
Im feeling depressed all the time, angery and jellous whenever I see couples anywhere and I feel almost a dark rage or desire wanting to take over, almost liek a split personality. Is there anything I can do to repair this? how can I help my feelings and this feeling of constant hurt and suffering? is this other side of me natural?

You need more friends. Just having two friends makes you very vulnerable. Join a society where you can meet people who share your interests. Be careful to behave in a way that people can trust you. Never make the same mistake twice.

There is no reason why you should not have many new good friends in the future. Stop saying nasty things about yourself and try Cognitive psychotherapy, if possible. Your way of thinking is the problem.