Re: I just need someone to tell

I think i just need someone to talk to rather than give me an answer. My husband is abusive verbally and physically. I hurt in my heart in my mind and on the outside.I am trying to look to god for support. For strength. for guidance. My husband is an addict. It consumes his everyday life and mine. Dealing with chaos on an everyday basis. there are kids involved. His 4 my 2 and our 1. Last night the children were so scared. I am so exhausted mentally and physically. I dont know what the hell i am doing. What am i waiting for. Happily ever after? It wont happen. In the bible it says that once i marry, i am bound to that person unless he leaves me or dies. That i may be the one to give him the strength to find god in his life. Where does it end. Where is the day that i can sit back and say life is good, i am happy and my kids will be fine. I dont have that in my life at all. I feel like i am changing into my husband sometimes. I find myself taking on some of his traits and using them on him. Roll Reversal. I keep a journal of all the times he uses or we get into a confrontation. It does help to write it all down. but everything is still at face value. I cant really make sense of everything.
He uses our hom for his bedding ground and stomping arena and power over all. This is my home. I made it my home. I really need help. but there again i am one of those wives who are scared. I've read all of the abuse identifyer lists. Im definitely in every sentence. and why am i still here. I dont know. Is it truely my comfort zone? I dont know anymore. He rules my life at home and at work. He makes me lie to people about business. I have to lie for him at work when he is at home coming down off his usage.I ask myself. Do i lie for him. Or not lie and suffer consequences. Hard choice. I am a bold person and i stand up for what is right. Or i used to. Now i feel like i am living his world. I want to be apart of his world but the good world. Not the bad one. He has no reprocutions. No one to slap him on the hand and say bad boy. He suffers no consequences from anyone. the only time he does is when i have left in the past. But then i fell subject to believing in him so i came back. Quite a few times. Every 6 months or so for the first 4 years we were married he would use for 3 days straight and i would get mad and leave. Uproot everyone. This last year i cant tell when he is going to use until he gets that look in his eye or tone in his voice. Then i know. Its not timed anymore. every 6 months.That flew out the window. So now i feel like this damn rollercoaster up down up down. Its not fair i say. I want to live my life. Not his. I want to enjoy me....Thank you for listening. Any comments is appreciated. Good Day.....