Your in a really hard position... it reminds me of when I met my ex two boyfriends ago.. It took him four years to finally open up. In that four years that I was waiting. I spent my time just being "one of the boys" hanging out with the group of people he did and him and I hardly ever talked and when we did it wasn't relationship talk it was usually talk about the other guys and their girlfriends. He used to drive me insane! I would call him when I was at a party and ask him to come and hangout and he would say no that he just wanted to stay home and I'd get pissed and makeout with some guy... I couldn't say anything to him because I was so scared that he just didn't like me but I could tell in the way that he looked at me and the fact that the first night I had ever gotten drunk I ended up standing next to him with his arm around me and I didnt notice it till my brother inlaw came over and said something and he lifted his arms and acted like he didn't do anything but after that night it was completely cold again! It took large amounts of alcohol in both of us for him to slip his feelings out. During the time that I was waiting for him to come around, I didnt have a single boyfriend. I madeout with lots of them but I was waiting for him to lose my virginity. So finally after four years he just completely broke down and revealed all one night.. so ofcourse we got into a four month long off and on relationship. I still love him but I know were not ever going to be.. we're too different. But he will always be in my life. We talk every couple of months and send holiday and birthday greetings.. They eventually come around, if you dont leave first. I had to put up with him dating other girls and there were three month periods when we wouldn't talk at all.. it was crazy. I usually end up getting whatever I want. I dont know what exactly it is I do but I think alot of it is that I never stop trying for it.. even if it means I have to lead two lives to do it, meaning, lead the single, fun act like I dont care life during the day and when I go home at night just plan what I need to do to keep that person in my life while Im waiting for them to come around. I will play the "friend" for as long as it takes.
As far as my relationship right now.. Things are going pretty good with us. I just spent the last two nights with him and they were great. But the things keeping him from leaving is the whole package.. His son, everything he's ever worked for and his life. If he left, his wife would take everything. He couldn't get costody of his son because his job makes him travel, so it's not a stable home environment. He would be living in an apt with one car and have nothing. She's already said that she would make his life hell. She would take his home that him, his brother and his dad built with their bare hands and everything in it. His child support would be through the roof because she just cut her hours down at work and he is the primary provider. If she cuts her hours anymore he'll also have to pay alimony. He has a very comfortable life right now and I dont. I dont make as much as his wife and I live in an apt and have one car and have a whole hell of a lot of things. So if he left it would be like going from being 34 with a set life to being 20 and just starting out again. So if he and her can divorce on mutual terms, it would be the best. meaning he has to wait till she wants one. She's appearently trying to fix things in their marriage but she's still not happy with it. They have some good days when they get along but those are usually days that they dont really talk to eachother. So things havent really been fixed there just adjusting to dealing with it. It's like their shrink gave them a pain killer that just numbs it and doesn't make the problem go away. So now they are both stuck in a marriage that they dont really want to be in but neither can leave because now there's not a big enough reason to leave "or so it seems." Im afraid that if they keep going at this the way they are that it's going to build and build and they will have a blow out fight like the first two times the filed for divorce but the difference is now.. their son is five years old and will never forget a fight like that if they do it again. I can remember like it was yesterday, my parents fought my whole childhood. I remember being six years old and screaming at the top of my lungs for my parents to stop fighting and watching my dad through all of his things in a trash bag and telling me to stay and taking off in his truck. Then I would sit with my friend erin about the divorce my parents were getting. This happend almost weekly. My parents are still married 25 years now. And they still fight on almost a daily bases. They love eachother but they aren't meant for eachother but now they are both retired and at a point where divorce doesn't make sense. For one they are in debt over their head, they are eachother's bestfriend and worst enemy, they couldn't make it on their own at this point. But had they divorced when I was 4,5,6 years old. Things would probably be way different. I was prepared for it at that age. I was perfectly fine with it then. People are crazy for thinking that age will make them understand, it wont.. it makes it so much worse. At five years old. They know what's going on but it's easier for them to adjust then when there 15 and going through major changes in their life already and dont adjust to change well. It's like, move a kid before highschool and they'll fit right into a new school. Move them in the middle of highschool and your going to hit a big bunch of problems!!!
So yeah anywayz!! Lover boy and I have talked about our feelings many times. like once or more a month I go in to girl mode and get all mushy and cry my eyes out and make him talk to me about his feelings. He would like to think that Im more into this then he is.. that's simply not true. I think he's the one that really keeps us going and cant split from me. I never ever call him. He calls me every day, when he says he cant see me one night, I shrug it off and say ok then later that night he's calling me to come over. He talks about me going out with other guys as something I should do but quickly changes his mind when I actually go to do so. I still do. and then he cant drop it. I hear about it forever. He'll tell me that he'll keep in touch when he can that we cant talk every day but ive yet to see the day come when I dont hear from him. I just go with the flow and he's trying his hardest not to lose me. But he doesn't see that. He hasn't really realized that he's caught up. or at least he's just been lying to himself and me trying to convence both of us of that. I let him think that I believe that but Im not stupid and I reasure myself of that everytime he slips and falls for my mushy talk!lol.
Well let me know how things go.. keep me informed. While your waiting for mr. right to come around show him that you have a life. Show him something that he would like to have. remember two lives.. oh and go out for drinks with the girls this weekend not to like a bar but go to a bar and grill, like Chuys if you have one. Bars are a little two wild. Bar and grills are more laid back, relaxing, still a little wild if you girls make it that way. (sounds better to the hubby) Do Margueritas! It's almost summer so start acting like it. Take a trip to the beach, if your near one. Hangout with your girlfriends as much as possible. That's what got me through the wait time with my ex. Get your nails done, get yer her did, lol. Take the kids swimming at a girlfriends house and you guys make drinks and play music and gossip. Get those things in your life back so that the wait goes by a little faster and you dont think about it all day every day.. you save that for when your going to bed.
