My male partner avoids sexual contact with me(female).
I know in early adolesence he had a sexually traumatic experience and was also physically abused as a child. In the past he had regular intercourse and oral sex in a long term relationship and also in other briefer relationships, but says he didn't enjoy sex and just made himself go through the motions. Currently, he enjoys recieving manual stimulation from me, and has orgasms easily (this wasn't originally the case)-but will not have intercourse and oral sex with me. He avoids meeting my sexual needs as long as possible, and only gives in when I push him to be fair.
We have been together for four years. I thought I understood this to be a gradual healing from ptsd. I also have been healing from ptsd, and needed two years away from sex to feel genuine interest and safety-and I thought, given that space, he also would eventually come around ito his natural desire. There have been major improvements as far as his ability to enjoy sexual touch, but none in his ability (or interest) in sexual interaction with me.
Our most recent attempt at sexual intimacy involved role playing, his suggestion, but it triggered his ptsd symptoms. We are constantly trying to find a way around his aversion-and this was his suggestion, so I was really hopeful (and then awfully dissapointed ).
On my insistance, he went to two sessions of sex therapy 6 months ago, and came away saying "maybe Im non-sexual". I don't believe that. I think he is affraid to explore thel feelings of vunerability and sickness he feels when he is intimate. At this point I feel I need to demand we go into sexual therapy together. I have reached a point where sex is important to me, and I feel deprived without it.
Any thoughts? Do we look for a sexual therapist or possibly one who specializes in phobias? Or is the real problem that I have disregarded my own needs and have ended up with someone who is unwilling to change?
Thank you
It is often much easier to find a new partner than changing the one you have. Especially if he is not willing to change and work on it himself. This man had sex with former partners, he is willing to receive from you, but he is not willing to satisfy you.
Leave him for a while, but give him your telephone number. Do not contact him. He will then find out whether he is willing to change to keep you.