Re: im in love with a married man

Hey there everyone. I've been staring at this site for days, contemplating whether or not i should write my story, its one of severe cliche. I dont know what to do anymore, i try to go on with my life, get over this man who completly screwed me up, but i cant. i can't even cry over it, although i wish i could so that i could let some emotion out, maybe then i'd be able to start the process of moving on.
I was seventeen when i met him. He was drop dead gorgeous, funny, great personality, and i developed a crush on him from the get go. Ace would come into my work place and i would shake, he had the strangest effect on me. I could barely put sentences together around him. he was older than me, about 25, but i never fathomed that anything would happen with him,it started out innocently enough. He became a sort of fantasy for me, i never would've thought that he had feelings for me, and i was ok with it, i just liked looking forward to seeing him and having the short conversations, the very subtle flirting, because i was too shy to outright flirt. as some time went on my small crush developed, a lot. He started coming in a bit more, i tried to flirt more. This went on for nearly a year, and as life would have it, i met another man, steve, who i wasnt interested in in the least, but we became friends. After months of just 'hanging out' it turned out that steve was actually ace's brother. I thought it was terrible, god was pulling strings in my life, dangling ace in front of me, 'you want him, you can almost grasp him, but nope, you cant. you're friends with his brother, but nope, nothing of the sort with ace, just short conversations every few weeks when he decides to come in.'
I thought my luck had changed when a mutual friend invited me to come along to vegas- ace and steve would be joining us as well. a relatively big group of us went, in a limo, drinking, talking, having fun. That night, through an overheard conversation, i learned that ace had a wife. He had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and they were rushed into marriage a mere few weeks before our trip. I was shattered, but i accepted it. There was nothing i could do about it. As much as i cared about him, all i had was little instances of flirting and my feelings, i was sure they were one sided anyway.
That night changed everything and has left me empty and vulnerable.
We spent the first part of the night talking. A bit drunk, we bonded and spoke more than we had ever had. we got to know eachother. We snuck away into another room at the hotel to talk, but as time progressed he attempted to kiss me. i pushed him away, i couldnt do something like that. he was married. he would regret this in the morning. i would regret it. why start something that will hurt so many when we can stop it now. But he kept trying. He told me how much he felt for me, how when he came into my work place he was always looking for me, but he didnt allow himself to talk too much to me, to get too close to me, because he was afraid if he did he wouldnt be able to control his feelings. He kept trying to kiss me, to hold me, but i held my ground. He asked me what he could do to change my mind and i told him to come back when he wasnt married. we sat in silence for a bit. my head told me to be strong, not to give in. but my heart told me to kiss him. to let him hold me. i wanted him so much. i had never felt such a tear between my head and my heart. he asked me if i would lay down with him, so we turned down the lights and lay there, my head on his stomach, in silence, both of us trying to fight our feelings. that didnt last too long, and before i knew it we were undressed and having sex. We had sex twice that night. he held me, kissed me, everywhere i wanted, needed to be. As terrible as my actions were, i tried to push my guilt aside.
After that night he came into my work place almost everyday looking for me. asking about me when i wasnt there. i couldnt understand what he was thinking, what did he want? he was taken, about to be a father, i didnt fit in anywhere in his life.
It's been almost two months since that night and i rarely see him. i dont work at the same place anymore so we barely run into eachother. The last time i saw him we spoke for a few hours, nothing too personal because a friend of mine was there. he kept mentioning his wife in a negative way, but also implying that he had to work on his marriage.
Did he ever really have feelings for me? Did he just use me because he was horny and drunk? Had he ever cheated on his wife before? was this just a normal thing for him? Did he regret sleeping with me, was i a big mistake to him? all these questions never fail to clutter my mind, questions i wish i could ask him but would never be able to get out.
his child was born a few weeks ago, and although he has my number (i dont have his) he has never bothered to use it. although i would never ask him to leave his child and his wife, i know nothing can happen between us anymore, i dont expect it to, i cant seem to get over him. i cant stop thinking about him, i cant find any other men interesting because all i do is compare them to him. I know its pointless to hold on to these feelings, i get nothing out of them other than pain and confusion, but i cant get rid of them. maybe i cant get over him because he is only the second man i have ever made love to. but I just want to move on with my life, to be happy again. but i cant. everything reminds me of him and every reminder depresses me.

any good advice?