whats wrong with my head?

I was sexually assaulted nearly 3 years ago and ever since then I have had strange thoughts and feelings. I have to touch everything, and when I am super stressed, i need to find the alphabet in street signs before I can calm down. When I see older people, I want to cry because all I can think about is that they are going to die soon. I have started cutting, it makes me feel better, and carving nasty messages into my body. I have ben hospitalised once before for a suicide attempt and I'm scared Im going down that road again. Please help. I feel alone and there is no one here that can help me. I am really scaring myself.

Read more about self-cutting. But you do need professional help.