abuse

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, lived together for three before that, and dated for one and a half before that. We have three children, currently 10, 12, and 14. We got together just out of high school, so we started very young, married young, became parents and homeowners young. Currently we are having serious problems and may separate. She has accused me (privately) of being physically abusive.

While we lived together I worked graveyard shift. She did not enjoy being home alone and would cry and beg me to stay home. We had rent to pay so I did not. She even took to grabbing onto me as I was leaving. After a few weeks of this I pushed her off me one day and she fell into a closet door breaking it. A few days later she again tried to grab me and I punched the bedroom door in frustration.

Recently during an argument, I tried to get in her face a la a baseball manager and umpire. She backed away quickly and stumbled over a chair. She was not injured. A pop bottle has once hit the floor and once a beer can thrown across a room but not at anyone. During a recent trip I did pull her hair gently and give her a slight kick in the shin, but I don’t remember the reasons why, I just remember the mood was somewhat jovial. As in when young people play fight because they don’t understand what to do, but it was misconstrued and I’m hearing about it now.

Our oldest son has had some quirky friends that pass on some quirky ideas. During one of his outbursts he was threatening to move out to live with his friend where there were no rules. He was thrashing about and yelling so I picked him up and threw him on his bed to shock him into regaining his composure. Another time, he was twisting his younger brother’s arm, hurting him, so I pushed him off. He tripped and tumbled into the bath tub. Neither time was there any sort of injury.

With three children there have been some spankings, but I can count them on my fingers.

During our marriage I have been punched and hit many times, sometimes as hard as she can muster. Other things such as being told to “find someone else already” are common place. Those statements are always followed shortly with “if you cheat on me I’ll cut your balls off”.

There are many other issues that have put us where we are today, but I plan on fighting for my children. What I want to know is if this is considered abusive behavior on my part and also on hers?