my husband is psychotic

My husband behaves really strange: for more than ten years he mailed postcards to himself, like he would be his best friend. He also emails to himself and signes sometimes with his name the pages in his own journal, like he actually writes to someone else. He also seems to have BPD. Even we live in different countries, he accuses me of building a whole system to control his life or prevent him from visiting his family ( they live in the same city). He always suspects me of wanting to divorce, even if he has no reasons to ( first time he accused me of that during our honeymoon), he says that he is psychotic and he fears any social contact. When i asked for explanations, he told me that i should accept that he has more realities, that he has no logic, that he is too emotional and that he remembers differentely reality ( or the things we both witnessed). He is mirroring everyone he gets in contact with and he seem very confused about self. He is most of the time ostile with me, especially when i ask explanation for his odd belives or thoughts, or if i ask him to stop lying or to manipulate me. Is he mentally ill?

Hello!

I have some problems to understand what your role is in this whole topic. You write that you and your husband live in different countries, so you are seperated. He might have a psychiatric disorder (any kind of psychotic disorder) but maybe not. It is not possible to guess about a psychiatric disorder with this little information. If he does not cause harm to you or any one else or his mental problems cause severe impairment of his life, there would be no need to force anything. You might be concerned about his present situation and future life. But you will have little influence on the course of his life.

It is a rather sad experience but there are a lot of people with severe mental impairments who will never look for professional help. Psychotic patients do not consider to have a mental problem. So they do not feel ill. We have to respect this as long as they do not cause severe problems.

If he is mentally ill with any kind of paranoid disorder you will not be able to influence his option or present thoughts. This can only be achieved by a proper medication. But you cannot force him to take antipsychotic drugs. So the only way to handle this situation right now is to offer him help and support. If he does not want to go for a professional consulation you will have to decide what you are going to do. You might cancel the contact to him or might respect his present situation.

For me is important to understand what happens to him and why he told me about his psychoses, his "different realities", "lack of logic" and "fear of abandonment" ( his exact words). We are not separated because we chose to. He works in the army and moved on a different continent just a little bit before marriage(last year). We knew from the beginning that for almost two years we will be separated but we thought that we can handle with the distance. His odd behaviour started during the honey moon, when he accused me of secretely planning to divorce. When i asked why he thinks so,he begun crying and gave me a very confuse explanation that would put the blame for his thoughts on the fact that his parents moved him from the school when he was in the 4th grade, then that his previos wife was sexually abused, went to therapy and finnally leaved him, and other things like these, that actually did not answered my question. He also said that he never loved his previous wife, that he actually hated her, that they did not have a normal sexual life, but he did not wanted to divorce because she was the only one whou would have choose to share her life with him. He also told me that he hated her that she divorced and he opposed the divorce for two years. That was tottaly different than the story he told me about it before we got married. He told me that he wants to kill his parents because they did not sent him to take dance classes in his childhood, or wants to place bombs and kill all the people that reject him, especially his commander. Apparentely he believes that his parents or people around him are responsible for his lack of social skills and fear of abandonment. I suggested him proffesional help, telling him that i don't know what causes such fears, and that someone experimented could help him find the answers he is looking for, if this is why he tells me these things. He told me that he went for 3 times to see why is he depressed or if he is "crazy", just before our wedding ( i did not have any idea about how he felt or that he had such fears before marriage,and tried to manipulate the therapist who told him to return when he is ready to talk about his issues. I asked him why he used word "crazy" and he told me because he has these psychoses of violence ( he didn't tell me specifically what) and that he killed his dog because he was furious and lost control. He calls me sometimes 3 or 4 times during the night to tell me how much he loves me and to not leave him. Sometimes he asks his mother to do so. There are lots of bizare things he does, like sucking his own penis and eating his sperm ( then he describes me the taste of his sperm)or penetrating his anus with different objects, or going in bed with me with two or three pairs of underware- to not be seen by others, he sais..sometimes he sees people staring at us that i don't see... this minute he is euphoric...next minute depressed and distracted...or now he tells me what a jurk is his boss, next day he tells me that his boss is the greatest boss on earth and we should have dinner with him. There are many examples like these and for me is very hard to take them and most of the time i don't know how to react. So far i tried to help him put the things in rational terms, but most of the times he seems mad at me and ostile if i say that i don't see the logic connection between what he sais or does. If we have arguments, when i catch him lying about things, he defends saying that he remebers differentely the things and cries. Then he thanks me for the "wonderful discution" we had and for being such " a wonderful wife". During the last discution we had about such things i asked him if he considers seing a professional since i have no idea how i could help, otherwise than just listening and asking questions about how he feels or why he feels a certain way. He said yes, but my sense was that he is not convinced that that would be a good idea. He also fears about what the army would do if finds out that he is psychotic. I don't know what i should do next... i would like to help, but i would also like to protect myself from the pain i feel when i see him struggling with such issues. You asked what's my role in this... i hope that despite my english skills i succed to explain why i am worried. I need to understand what happens to him, so i can make my own choices without fearing that i misjudged the situation.

Hello again!

What a difficult situation for you! I do not think it is important to understand his way of argumentation. It seems to be influenced by severe problems and maybe by an inbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain caused by a psychiatric disorder. But to consider this possibility he would have to consult a mental health professional. If you or me would try to make a diagnosis without knowing the facts this would not make sense. And I do not think it makes much sense to understand his behaviour right now.

It is rather difficult for me to guess about the possible causes of the acutal beviour of your husband. But I understand that he would not seek professional help because he thinks he might loose his army job. But his behaviour is not at all normal. He might be psychotic, he might have a severe personality disorder or extreme mood swings. We do not know. Maybe everything will be fine if you are together again. But to be honest: I think he will get severe problems rather soon. Maybe he will have a break-down and will be forced to get professional help. But this would be rather difficult, because he does not consider himself mentally ill. He seems to be able to compensate his major psychiatric problems up to a certain extent right now. But how long? You and his parents seem to stabilize him with your kind response and encouragement. But you are the persons who suffer right now.

So, you have to think about your personal wellbeing as well. How long can you tolerate this tension and all the problems of your husband? Is there anything you could do to get more support yourself? Maybe you should think about a psychotherapy for yourself do discuss your present misery. You could also talk to your local doctor, maybe representatives of your church or local community. There are support groups for people with emotional problems of relatives. You do not have to worry alone! Try to connect to other people to get emotional support and encouragement.