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  Need Help...Before I Destroy my own Life

KOM2002 (plain)  Need Help...Before I Destroy my own Life

Need Help...Before I Destroy my own Life
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Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2013 23:05:45 +0100
Language: English


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There was a startling event, even though many happened in the past, that caused for me to "consider" SERIOUS HELP. I want to provide you with a story and i would [b]REALLY APPRECIATE advice, comments, or anything else that would help.[/b]
(Many of things are actually dated and remembered)
(The names aren't real but stand for actual people, because of confidentiality)

Life was actually starting to go well from an incident that I caused about a year ago with people, in which I was the manipulator. I turned people against each other and tried to "get them back together" so it could look as if I was the "hero". I got a "little" help from others and then indulged myself into being busy in which I didn't receive no help at all, so I thought that part of me was gone.
I became a college cheerleader and a dancer, and plan to became a professional cheerleader as well. I became close to a female named Ashley, who actually brought the maturity out of me. But when cheerleading practices start to become intense, I couldn't hang out with her as much, so I stayed on campus therefore and now intentionally started to hang out with other people. Actually these people were younger than me, and knew of all my connections, and my abilities/potentials.

There was one in the group named Brittany, and she latched onto me when she that I was close to the guy that she liked who was a basketball player of our school named Trey. (Me and him did have history actually. We slept together a few times. But there was a time in which we doing the act and he had another person sneak in watch then try to "finish" it up. This happened because many girls allow them to do it, but they felt me as a threat since I didn't want that to happen. I later spoke to him about it and forgave him and we were cool afterwards. But I still tried to hook them up thinking that there was some form of possibility). Anyways,I knew how much she was desperate for him and how much he thought she was crazy for her persistence and desperation. Rod (who is the friend of Trey) knew about this whole thing as well, because he has a bromance with Trey. (I actually had a relation with Rod once, to see if he could change my mind about being gay (which I'm not)).

On February 15,2013 Rod sent me a message saying how crazy Brittany was and I showed it to her. She said she was gonna keep her cool, but 10 mins later she stormed out the place with another friend and was going to text Trey for this and that. I wouldn't let her, so she came to the conclusion that we "had something going on, and that I liked him". Which I didn't, (that's kind of weird because I thought most girls get feelings for guys after they had relations with him). I left where she was and went to my room.

On February 16,2013 (The day of Beyonce Documentary) I started to receive threatening/harassing messages (Basically in defense of Brittany and that Trey and Rod were against me, the whole world is against me, and that if I left the whole problem would be gone). It has occurred to me to that Trey and Rod were receiving messages as well. All this was done from a fake number. I was getting angry, and told my friend Tamara, and she had to tell her RA (One that is in control of a dormitory floor/hall) and he had no choice but to tell the officials (I didn't want the officials involved at all). I called Rod to make sure he wasn't behind this, and he thought I was joking and behind it all and just told me goodnight. I was pissed at the very much, and worried that he hated me, that Trey hated me too.

The monday after this incident, I was working in the cafeteria, and Trey came in and greeted me as if nothing happened. Notice how all weekend I was overthinking the whole situation, and going over board in my mind. That thursday, however, my job was lost due to a complaint of me wanting to threaten a student over another student named Trey. I was pissed to the max and immediately contacted Trey, and after time of apologizing and reassuring me that he had nothing to do with it. I scheduled a meeting with the girl, Trey, and her RA as a mediator. Trey brought along Rod, go figures, and another one of his teammates, i don't know why he was there. And we didn't get no questions answered and left the meeting 2x pissed than we walked in. Brittany had me stay there until 2 in the morning reassuring me it wasn't her. I let it go, and started to believe her.

A few days after though, Brittany started to place the life that we were living in according to the show called Pretty Little Liars, and it was very scary how our lives matched up to what was going on in the show. I don't even watch the show, and is surprised at how many individuals watch it. That's irrelevant right now though. She also was describing to me how the number was the same number, as the first time that Trey was receiving messages. I knew for a fact that she was behind the first set of messages as a mode of revenge since he didn't like her, but the same number? Then I knew it was really her, I was 99% sure it was, but I wasn't gonna tell her. I was gonna let her still believe that I didn't think it was her. This placed me in a very unwanting position, between two people that I care about and someone that I wanted to care about but couldn't because she wanted my reputation ruined and she thought that me and Trey had something going on.

Notice how we are all still receiving messages during this period of time. My family came in that weekend to spend time with me. And the Monday that they left, I got money stolen from me, and then I couldn't think straight at all. I went to my room and started to contemplate on the girl, Brittany, and all I could , unintentionally, think about how to hurt her. So bad to the point, that she would regret hurting me. I was going to use the fake suicide threat to get Rod and Trey attention to show them how bad she has affected me. The attention I did want, but it was like I was overcome by something else. It's like I really, in actuality wanted to talk and them the information that I knew, but I was gonna create an event so horrible that it would make her want to confess and that I would get some glory out of it, but being a great friend but she ruined it. I wanted to get police involved, more authorities, more counsels, more this and that so she wouldn't have a choice to confess. That night I faked the suicide attempt and it got me alot of attention actually, well from the ones that I knew it was gonna affect. Rod, Tamara, and another person stood outside the rain and cold weather and it was dark to ensure that I was not going to do anything to myself. Actually I pitied them all because I wasn't thinking about any of them or their feelings, I was just thinking about how mine were hurt and how I was gonna revenge for it. I knew that this would make them angrier at her, but then the attention high did not cease. It was like I craved more and I had to place myself under solitude to try and drive it away, but I knew from the previous night that a second meeting would be created for a mediation, I actually created that meeting as well with the RA.

That Friday, we went into the meeting. Questions are still unanswered, and no clarity was there, but the environment was so calm and peaceful that I thought everyone left satisfied and their feelings were out. I was so DEAD WRONG, in this case. I left the meeting with Tamara and Brittany, while Rod and Trey left the meeting together. Rod got in contact with me later that day, and was like he believed everything was a joke. I really wanted to just fuss at him for thinking that but I kept my cool, for a little, and just told him he had every right to not trust me because I was STILL hanging out with the girl that caused it. I befriended her so much so she could probably stop and realize that I wasn't the person she thought i was. He also claimed that I knew it was a joke, on her part I don't know what that was, on my part it was for revenge to her. Then Rod got a new number (well he told me that), and so did I. I mean I got the new number because I really wanted them to know I had nothing to do with anything that was going on, but I did. I organized the meetings (that was alot on my part) and I did the suicide threat which was so fake for attention and revenge and for her to feel remorse.

The next day however, I found out that Rod blocked me from a social media site, and that he wouldn't answer none of my texts and I swear it hurt so bad. I cried, felt numb, cried more, felt numb again, cried even more, got angry, wanted to run away, wanted to explain my case. Would do absolutely ANYTHING just to get Rod back. I, however, would overthink every possible solution of why he stopped talking to me. I was not thinking in my right mind, how could a situation like this trigger the things that I thought were gone? I eventually got a chance to see him, and I tried to talk to him in person, but he didn't want to talk and told me to text him. I said I didn't have his number because I didn't. Gmail did though. I texted him later that night and he was like why you stay lying, thought you didn't have my number. I explained to him how I got it and everything, but that wasn't enough. I HAD to prove my case. I started to become disassociated with many things, and all I could think about was how he was there, and that he was an actual friend. A person that cared about me. I mean intellectually I knew this, but emotionally I didn't.

One night while I was at singing practice, I got a text saying Rod thought I was behind the whole thing. This was from the unwanted number. I texted back and told them to fix it. Thinking it would be all over, I got a text back which stated that Rod wanted to meet with me. THIS was my chance to tell him everything! So I left practice anxiously, the people behind the texts were suppose to meet me there where Rod was. I texted his "new" number and he wouldn't text me back at all. How could he be messaging them and not me? I texted his old number and called it and voila, he never got a new number in the first place. We were going back and forth, cursing, arguing, and then I went to a friend room first, so he could be there with me, and to wait for the response to where he was since he wouldn't tell me. That annoyed the heck out of me, but when I found out I told them to tell him that I would be there. So I had my friend to go in the room first to see if everybody that was suppose to be in there, was in there, but they weren't just him and a girl he was studying with.THIS PISSED ME OFF SO BAD. But i wasn't gonna look like the scared one. I walked in there, and then all of a sudden I felt played and set up. The conversation just went to him just yelling for me to leave and I wouldn't. I stayed. I wanted him to listen, but my speech was so vague and had no understanding to it. I couldn't even say what I had to say, and it was like I was incriminating myself, when I had nothing to do with it. My emotions were so shallow, I was smiling on the inside when he was yelling. I wasn't even thinking, that I had my laptop and pressed record, and recorded some of our conversation, and didn't even notice until he pointed it out. Every action I did made the situation even WORSE. After I realized that nothing I could say would make him change his mind, I just took everything that he told me, and just hoped that one day he would know this...this whole situation from my perspective.

I realized that I used what Brittany did, as a means of what I use to do to get attention. I didn't want that side of me to come out again. I didn't think of anybody feelings throughout this situation, and if I did then that was abnormal of me especially when I'm seeking revenge. I realized also, that I was not only trying to make them hate her, but hate me as well. Like that is not human. Usually people want others to like them. I try not to get people close to me, because I know without a doubt sooner or later, i don't know when, that I will hurt them and get a pleasure out of doing so. That's how I did Rod. Also I want to know why even though the situation was about Trey, why don't I consider Trey as much as I did Rod? I knew Rod longer than Trey, but had more relations with Trey than Rod.

Is there any hope for getting Rod back? Trey back? Is there a way I can let them hear my story? How about do you think a situation like this happening every proposes a sign of the need of serious help? I mean I am getting help, this personality virus..HPD...affects my daily life.

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KOM 2002