This is so hard but i'm going to be raw and honest and hope someone out there has some useful advice.
I'm 31 years old and i have an ex boyfriend list a mile long. Once upon a time in my childhood i believed finding a life partner would happen on it's own and i would just "know" who was right for me. I'm a social slender blond who fits within societies stereotypical brackets of 'attractive' but so much so that it's taken a toll on my emotional stability. I began dating at a young age and have had many relationships...short term, long term and everything in between. I've considered men (even women at one point) of all backgrounds, ethnicities, walks of life and financial status. I've been blessed with many great experiences but inevitably always find myself ready to move on. I feel horrible saying this but i've always been the one to do the breaking up...
So the situation i find myself in is this. After my whirlwind of relationships I've thoroughly experimented with singledom and decided that that too is not for me. I'm at a stage in my life where i am so ready to make a relationship last. But i'm equipped with a few things that make the adventure difficult: plentiful options, a deep distrust in the permanency of love, a biological clock that is shrouding my judgement and ongoing (somewhat unpreventable) financial insecurity.
I'm currently with a man who is admirable and desirable on many levels. He's just a few years older than me, a very westernized kind, intelligent and adventuresome vietnamese self made millionaire. I was originally attracted to him in a couple of different ways. He seemed fun, kind and intriguing. I wanted to get to know him immediately. Months later we have travelled together, visited my parents and flirted with conversations about marriage and kids. The thing is, i have no idea if i actually love him. It's like i've lost the ability to decipher romantic love from just deeply liking who a person is. I also don't have a clue if he's at all good for me. I don't know what i should be looking for. He has so many qualities that seem great, but so many aspects of our relationship have been challenging. I realize that the money aspect is huge- i have an issue with the bone in my upper jaw that i've been internalizing for quite some time- eventually i'll need oral surgeries that i can't afford and aren't covered. When i'm single and i get any physical sensations that remind me of this issue i feel so panicked and terrified, worrying to the point my life feels like it's falling apart. Being with a millionaire changes that; there's some primal part of me that is quite calmed by that financial security...given my situation the fact he is rich (and generous and loving) is a huge pro. He also happens to be sweet, kind, inspiring, playful, honest and open minded about most things...huge pro's. Plus, he blesses me with real, genuine, committed love!
However, i think i'm a bit jaded. In many other ways this man is not exactly who i've thought i could be with. He's gorgeous in his own way, but sometimes i'm hyper aware of how he's not. (extra weight, balding, a very big round head) He is way more "metro" than my ideal. The sex is just sex and he comes from such a different world than any of my friends (and is socially awkward) that i've found myself avoiding group situations i would have loved to go to if i were single. (He has very few close friends..red flag?) To make matters worse, he is very conventional and has asked i stop interactions with any ex's, people i've met on dating sites and anyone who has ever been interested in me in the slightest. This ended up to include some people i miss, even though i realize what he's asked is pretty fair if we want to be serious about this relationship. He often overreacts. He's possessive. I feel isolated and we have different versions of how much time we want to spend together in a week. We're so different in so many ways that there is much to consider. But amazingly, our future visions are similar. And we are in a similar life stage where we're ready to create family and be committed. We've even been emmalgamating business plans. Furthermore, being with him represents a life of travel, which i love.
So many nights i've been lying awake in a panic knowing he could pop the marriage question at any time and i'm stressed that we shouldn't even be dating. There is so much that is undesireable about this relationship and so much that is good. I have no clue where to start in deciphering my feelings for him- I don't feel fireworks but on a practical level we're compatible....and i don't know if i ever feel fireworks any more. Dating has become tedious. And i don't trust my own judgement anymore. Sometimes i feel like breaking up with people has become almost a habit. But the last thing i want to do is just to be with someone for shallow reasons, and miss that magical way life could be if i had persisted with finding someone better for me.
What should i do? How can i tell if we should be together? What are the important things to look for in a partner? How important should financial status be if it affects my health? Should i settle for a boring social life if it means my home life and husband could be great? How important are my own orgasms? Am i just thinking about how nice it was being single because i have the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome? Please don't say i should talk to him about it all because i tried and it only made him feel insecure, doubtful and unhappy.
I'm not getting any younger. I'm filled with insecurities and long for the comforts of certainty and domestic stability. Thank-you in advance for any insight you might have!
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Today's date: Fri, 5 Jun 2020 12:33:41 +0200