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KOM2002 (sad)  Self-Image Compromised

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sad Self-Image Compromised , A83247A9F53F7BCB7051499E0F0EA314 , 29 Jan 2012 00:07
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Self-Image Compromised
From: A83247A9F53F7BCB7051499E0F0EA314
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 2012 00:07:56 +0100
Language: English

 


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sad
Hi there,

I am a person who is suffering a lot of nervousness and paranoia when out in social situations. For those of you who like a therapeutic challenge and an interesting subject, I am sure I shall not disappoint as I have already been in therapy several times and fascinated but confounded my therapists.

I agree with their diagnoses, that is not in dispute, but so far they have all failed to treat the causes.

Basically I am terrified of social situations and talking one-on-one to most people because I have an extreme conflict between my assumed beliefs and core values.

I must give you some background information to aid you in your counsel because my preoccupations are complex.

I MUST emphasize that I had no problems during childhood whatsoever, you may suggest things originated there if you like but I believe that my psychological break occurred much later due to prolonged drug-use and in particular psychosis caused by Cannabis.

I am male, now in my 30s and before the years during which I declined, I was great at socializing and most definitely a people person. I find nothing more frustrating and debilitating than the loss of the social skills with which I used to excel. I fear people rather than enjoy them for who they are.

I am the last person to boast but it must be noted that I am highly intelligent, holding several degrees and diplomas and professionally very successful. My intelligence is certainly the cause of some of my undoing as I believe that a less intelligent person wouldn't have worked themselves up into the fix that I'm in.

I also have quite an extreme personality, I am highly creative, a songwriter and an author and most of all, highly sexed. I was obsessed by girls during my teenage years, masturbated, experimented with both sexes(realized I was straight) and started out in quite a healthy , if not somewhat excessive teenage sexual journey.

Anyway, as time went on I began to experiment with drugs, like everything else in my life I took this to extremes and ended up doing myself damage. I became one of the many who succumbed to the (then little known but now widely recognized) phenomena known as Cannabis Psychosis. The main results of this were paranoia and anxiety, I had panic attacks, became shifty and awkward in social situations and found it difficult to form lasting healthy relationships with girls.

Anyway, this meant that during my 20s I spent several years alone which really changed me. I was mostly able to pick up girls in bars but I generally had to be drunk, my inhibitions removed. MOST of the rest of the time I was a little shy and definitely VERY conscious of myself. Regardless of these issues though, I always had strong male bonds and had no trouble being a strong character, respected and liked by my male peers and definitely not struggling at that point with the guilt complex that I would later develop.

This guilt complex began its onset during my late 20s, by which point loneliness was driving me to find emotional solace in sexual arousal through masturbation. I had always masturbated but it seemed, the more isolated I became, the more extreme the fantasies, my comfort blanket.

So to cut a long story short, for a period of a few days during the lowest times, I crossed some of my own moral boundaries and masturbated to some pretty questionable stuff and around the same time went out and had gay sex when I know that I'm not even gay. I seemed to be drawn to the dark side of fantasy to find comfort.

And this was the breaking point. I became noticeably more nervous when out in society, people I had known for years I couldn't look in the eyes, something inside constantly whispering "what if they truly knew you??". I reached a point when I literally couldn't make eye contact with shop assistants, certain friends, even my parents and decided to enter therapy.

During this period I had met a wonderful woman who truly loved me and gave me the care and attention I had been craving whom I am still with today. However, in the beginning I even felt this guilt around her and I thank her for her patience and for not giving up on me.

Now the fact remains that my core values, my ethics, morals with which I was raised to be a decent, empathic and kind human being have been deeply compromised by some of the false beliefs about myself which I created over those disturbed, lonely years.

I have tried psychiatrists, meditation, reading books about Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity and Spirituality in general. Nothing seemed to restore that old confidence and balance of belief and value.

I did however have some success with hypnosis, I must also explain this as it is then easier to understand what is fixed and what isn't.

At the apex of my psychosis,my mind was so busy that I was starting to find that my subconscious was spilling out into my conscious every day thoughts, it would make me think ridiculous sexual thoughts even though I wasn't even feeling aroused. It was my subconscious mind's way of reminding me of the belief/value conflict, constantly throwing up thoughts at silly moments into my conscious.

Anyway, through hypnotic suggestion and meditation I have now achieved a calm and quiet conscious mind. I am in complete control of my private thoughts but in public is a different story:

Imagine a situation where I meet someone who is decent and good. I begin to talk to that person and then mid-conversation, I start to get the same old..."what if they can see into you??".

It's the classic "Don't think of a pink kangaroo with blue spots", when I tell my mind not to be silly, the act of doing so makes it do the opposite. My eyes then betray that more is going on at that present moment than just our conversation and then the impression left on the other person is that of shiftiness and insincerity.

This makes me so sad because I am a genuinely nice person who truly enjoys the company of other nice, intelligent people. In fact, the more intelligent and articulate a person is, the more resistance my mind gives me. It's almost as if there is a voice saying "He/She is clever. They know!". As you can imagine, for someone who is of a high intellect , to be unable to engage with those of similar intellect is such a shame. I just miss having a nice chat with people but my mind simply won't allow me to relax around people.

It is one thing having the knowledge that I have opened certain doors in the realms of fantasy that I cannot close but it is another not to be able to keep them to myself. The only way I can describe it is that my subconscious is throwing its toys out of the pram every time I make meaningful human contact because it believes that I am not worthy and shouldn't be happy.

I would really appreciate some constructive input from professionals. I have already spent a small fortune on therapy and now I am losing faith. I honestly don't know if it would not be better to meditate intensely for years because in short I don't know how to forgive myself. Can anyone help me?

kind regards

Silversurfer



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