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KOM2002 (sad)  Confused

Thread Messages in thread:

reply Re: Confused , 31 Aug 2009 02:31
reply Re: Confused , 29 Aug 2009 19:33
reply Re: Confused , 28 Aug 2009 00:58
sad Confused , 16 Aug 2009 11:47
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Confused
From: ------
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 2009 11:47:13 +0200
Language: English

 


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sad
I had a relationship with a married man before I got married to my boyfriend 6 years ago. We initially stopped the relationship but could not concentrate on our partners, so we got back together and started seeing secretely which we both knew was wrong but we so much enjoy each others company and very free to share problems with each other. Meanwhile, my husband has fertility problems and could not get me pregnant. I later discovered I was pregnant but was not sure who it belonged to because I was always taking precautions with this other guy. I eventually had the baby and he looked just like this other guy. My husband eventually got to know the baby is not his but he's forgiven me and he does not know who the father is because I told him it was a one night stand for fear of losing him. This other guy knows the child is his because he's seen him. He plans to claim the child later on in life. He is not planning to leave his wife, he is not planning to marry me, he wants us to always be together, he travels regularly to see me. I do not plan to leave my husband but I dont seem to love him again. Sincerely speaking I love this other guy very much, and i know he does too. My husband is a nice man too but he is very lazy and not serious with his career, but he is a good man. This other guy is very serious with his career and also a good man. I am confused and do not know what to do. please advise me especially on the child's issue. I know I've acted stupidly but as things are I need help.
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Re: Confused (Reply to: 140561 from )
From: ------
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:58:48 +0200
Language: English

 


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I don't think either of you are really thinking through properly what you are actually doing. No offense intended.

You need to take a step back from your emotions and really look at the position you are in. Look at what you have and what you don't have... You are married to a very loving, accepting and forgiving man, who's shown you by what he's done how much he really loves you. What you have with the other man is an affair and that's all you'll ever have him. Not a life of love with him but a life of deceit, shame and guilt. The foundations of this relationship with him are built on lies and deceit. I mean no judgment in saying this, I'm just pointing to the truth of what is going on.

You have a loving man standing beside you, who you married. You don't have that with the man you are having an affair with. You have the opportunity to have a life of love with the man you married, you don't have that opportunity with the other man.

Start building a better relationship with your husband. Communicate to him what it is you need in your relationship. Commune with him openly and start to have fun with him. Actually build a relationship with him, then you'll start to see how truly loving he his rather than seeing the negatives. The things you don't like in him are small things compared to what is being offered by the other man. The other man may be more serious about his career etc but he shares that with his wife, not you. He says that he always wants you to be together but its only for sex and to have someone outside of his marriage. He plans on staying in his marriage - you will always be 'the other woman' in that relationship.

Has he even thought about the consequences to you and your child and his own marriage, if he claims your child as his? Have you truly considered that as well!? While he's been honest enough to tell you he has no intentions of leaving his marriage, you need to be honest with yourself about where this leaves you. You are his affair and that's what you'll always be to him. Is that what you want for yourself?

There's a few ways to look at this. You can put your heart and soul into your marriage and start building a relationship with the man you loved enough to marry and forget this other man. And start communicating with your husband purposely to create a loving union with him as a family. This man is the one who is standing by you, loving you, wanting to be with you, wanting to be the family alongside you. He chose you as his life partner. Talk to him about what would help you be happier in your relationship.

OR you can continue living as you are, knowing eventually the truth about your affair and your child is going to come out in the open. Then what will you have? As it is, you have a life of turmoil because you're having to live a lie.

OR you can leave your marriage and start to build a life for yourself. Start thinking about what you really want in your life. Living a lie doesn't allow for happiness, it only ever causes turmoil. You can't have the man you love because he is with someone else, you can only be an occasional sex partner with him. Is that what you really want for you? Think about what you want and what's really being offered.

I hope this helps you clear the fog a little.



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Re: Confused (Reply to: 140942 from )
From: ------
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 2009 19:33:07 +0200
Language: English

 


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Thanks so much for been blunt with me. I actually needed someone to tell me the truth which you did.
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Re: Confused (Reply to: 140981 from )
From: ------
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 2009 02:31:29 +0200
Language: English

 


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I didn't mean it to sound blunt, so I apologize for that. Just wanted to show you where perhaps you've not been seeing what's really happening. Sometimes our emotional self doesn't allow us to see clearly and when we can take a step back and look at the reality of what is really going on we can make our decisions much more truly and clearly... for ourselves.

I wish you all the best.

(((HUGS)))



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KOM 2002