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KOM2002 (plain)  I need help finding who i am

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reply Re: I need help finding who i am , D445194F894478F54B927B3FD5006956 , 05 Aug 2009 06:14
plain Re: I need help finding who i am , Larry Bilotta , 28 Jun 2009 22:58
reply Re: I need help finding who i am , 3B2A0445847C9E5E4CCD8E5DE38A1573 , 26 Jun 2009 18:44
sad Re: I need help finding who i am , 24 Jun 2009 12:02
plain I need help finding who i am , Lunafloon , 20 Jun 2009 16:59
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I need help finding who i am
From: Lunafloon
Date: Sat, 20 Jun 2009 16:59:12 +0200
Language: English

 


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I have a few... problems that i get from time to time, some reguarly, some sometimes and some never go away. I would like help from people, not to diagnose, but to just give me your personal opinion on why you think i feel this way, mental disorder, personality disorder, plain insane and what i should do about it. I just want to get it all of my chest mostly. Thank you :)
Just in case it makes a differance (though try not to blame it all on hormones) Im 14 years old, coming up 15 in 2 months.

First problem: I have a huge social phobia, as i call it. Ive always been shy, since i was young, but since joining my secondary school nearly 4 years ago, its got so much worse. I get terrified at the prospect of speaking to people i dont know or going a completely new place and i have one or two times cried or been close to crying. For example, the idea of going to work experiance or the interview for it scared me right up until the beginning of work experiance, where i realised it wasnt so bad even if i did say nothing more that yes, no and ok. I also have a phobia of huge crowds or being surrounded and i cant stand to be rejected or say something wrong and make a mistake. So much so, ive missed out on a lot of great oppurtunities. I hate embarrasment and all my friends have been told never to laugh when i do somethign wrong, just to ignore it happened. Theres just something about people that make me nervous. Im only really close to a small part of my family and my few friends.

Second problem: I get attached to things way to easily. I got badly emotionally attached to my ex causing us to break up and me attempt suicide and harm myself a lot with sharp objects... I got a new boyfriend 2 weeks later (which i wasnt happy about for 3 months) and im also way to attached to him to, even though ive tried so hard not to be. Its not just boyfriends either, ive got loads of sillu teddies (at 14!) which i cant bring myself to chuck and the ones i have chucked caused me literal pain for days. I feel like such a nutcase explaining this. Ive got attached to the most silly things, like my mobile, friends, even meaning less things like rocks and just about anything. Give me a rock, let me name it and ill get upset if you take it from me. Its not right.

Third problem: I hate change. Anything, whether it be small like painting my chest of drawers to big stuff like my boyfriend getting a new job (only 1 day a week) it just... makes me feel strange. I dont think i like the differance. I mean, if its a small change ill probably just take a while to get used to it but big things, like the job thing or new boyfriends will cause me greif and sometimes heartache for quite a while until i get used to it, which takes a while.

Fourth problem: I used to self harm, like proper cutting up my arm with scissors. Ive stopped that now but when i get upset i still scratch myself with my nails, just lightly and i still have the urgh to cut sometimes but i dont. Ive also atempted suicide twice, which i wont do again i hope. I think about it though when im upset or worried about something. It just seems the easy way out, i cant stop the idea just popping in my head.

Fifth problem: I cant cope with emotions. Im ok with good emotion, though i tend to over do it, such as being hyper when im happy and maybe annoying people. The main problem though is the bad emotions. When i get angry, i shout and clench my fist and kick and punch stuff (including punching myself) and i cant help it. When im upset, and this is really silly so dont think im crazy, i cry, sometimes i even scream. I also punch and scratch myself and think about killing myself and i just get in such a state. It just simply that i get i get upset or angry and my brain doesnt know how to cope and just panics. Thats the only way i can describe it.

Sixth problem: Im very paranoid. Im one of those annoying friends who constantly ask if they're fat or ugly. Im the person you see fretting after simply getting the simplest criticism, even if it was only helpful more than spiteful. Im the person who is pratically scared of mirrors and wants to be beautiful but doesnt feel she can be and is scared of what people will say. Im the person who think your always talking about me. And it sucks. I have no self esteem, no self confidence, i just wish i was someone else. I dont try to do anything like play and instrument or learn to dive because i just believe ill be rubbish and get laughed at. I think im ugly and fat all because bullies have f***ed me up royally.

Seventh problem: Just a list of other problems now, as this is getting longer than i hoped. I also have problems with attention, i crave attention from certain people but am scared of it from others. I mean, really bad cravings, i guess you could say i seek it. Even though i hate it. Confused? So am i. I also find simple things confusing and also have to have other people tell me what to do, how to do it. Its just certain things, even simple school work questions or choosing whether to go out or stay in, i just cant do, it confuses me and i need other people to answer or choose. I have the biggest fear of the future. Im scared of being single when i go off on my own after school. I have no idea what ill do, id have to get a job, move out, find new friends and find a husband. I just dont think im ready to do that yet and i have 1 year. Its not enough time. I'm also, as you see a huge worrier.

Im not sure if i can edit this after i post it but ill add stuff if i think of it, thats the main bits anyways. Im sorry it was so long and i thank anyone in advance for your time and help. Ive always wanted to get this off my chest and why i am this way. Hopefully some of you can help me figure out why and how to help myself. Thanks so much!
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Re: I need help finding who i am (Reply to: 139441 from Lunafloon )
From: ------
Date: Wed, 24 Jun 2009 12:02:05 +0200
Language: English

 


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sad
i'm also like u. but i'm a boy living in srilanka at galle age of 26. you have explain your problem clearly, but i do not know even to explain my problems to others. i'm also suffered with this problem over a 04 years of time, i also don't know how to come out from this problem, i met a doctor even, but i couldn't be able to explain him my right problem, i tried for the doctor to consult my problem several time, but i failed. i'm always getting a sucide feeling, what to do.my e-mail address is irfangalle@yahoo.com.
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Re: I need help finding who i am (Reply to: 139561 from )
From: 3B2A0445847C9E5E4CCD8E5DE38A1573
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 2009 18:44:00 +0200
Language: English

 


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oh hi guys..well same here..im 15 and a half and i live in greece..
i have ALL of the problems you mentioned..im deeply depressed everyday...i feel like nobody can understand me in the whole world i cry alot and stuff..yes i used to cut myself like u did..i dont like going out..im scared of showing my real emotions..im really jealous..i become sad when people around me are happy..i wish i could talk to you both..and maybe then i would be able to find someone who can understand me...well..my msn and email is..lovehate15@hotmail.com...contact me if you want
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Re: I need help finding who i am (Reply to: 139441 from Lunafloon )
From: Larry Bilotta
Date: Sun, 28 Jun 2009 22:58:38 +0200
Language: English

 


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Hi Lunafloon, I read your message about all your very painful problems on web4health.com. You're about to be 15. I'm about to be 60. I went through 27 years of a marriage made in hell but in the 28th year, I fell in love with my wife who tormented me yet we are happily married 35 years today. In those hell years, I found what you don't yet know. It took me 27 years of searching, but it's what you need to know now. I created a free series of emails that explains why all these things are happening to you. It all started in your first ten years of life. Those didn't go well for you and now you're paying the price, just like it happened to me. Read my email series and get your life back. It's www.selfesteemsecrets4women.com. It's not just for women. It's for all of us.
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Re: I need help finding who i am (Reply to: 139651 from Larry Bilotta )
From: D445194F894478F54B927B3FD5006956
Date: Wed, 5 Aug 2009 06:14:50 +0200
Language: English

 


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hi... i've suffered the same problem for more than ten years... and i would like to warn you about it cause this whole thing you described does not change by itelf. and what larry bilotta posted here... well it takes time, it takes years to discover that you've actually been almost literally programmed by your silly family and all those silly people surrounding you who are poor jerks themselves cause they are programmed too. i used to have the nerve to write about these things, you know, fully describe them the way you did but that's just long gone now so i hope you pay attention anyhow.

i guess what happened to you is something like this: one of your parents must have judged you and somehow made you feel that his or her love for you is only conditional. once you internalize this then you keep perceiving human behavior the same way and act the same way. you start believing papa or mama, cause they are the only ones around you during early childhood years so you depend on them and it all happens during this particular period. you learn how to depend on others' definitions of concepts and stuff because that is how you started off in the first place, (as there was no chance for you to know any better and as your mind was a beatiful blank page on which anybody with an idea and within reach could write something) and what you have practiced the most before all else. you have no will cause it's taken away from you. your existence and identity was taken away from you and this goes on because you have not discovered this yet and you think this is the only way you are "allowed" to exist.

(i suggest that you rethink your past now in a different way..like just try to remember those moments in your life when you first had any of the particular feelings you described... specifically those unpleasant moments that, no matter how superficial they always seem to be, you clearly remember.), so if all this sounds familiar, then you'll have to go through hard times but if you keep ignoring this it'll grow and become something very hard to handle. it gets harder when you think you are about to take a rest, believe me. so start now.

this is the principle: your impression of yourself is an impression mostly given by outside factors of which you were unaware at the time. in fact, you don't have an impression of yourself cause you haven't started living yet, and you don't know yourself. start experimenting. interact with the environment that surrounds you. have your own experiences. challenge yourself.

buddy, everybody is living his own life and strictly for that reason no one is thinking about you the way you think they do. do you know why? they do not have the time so it's not in their interest.cause life is short and people move on. why they bully you then? cause they want to amuse themselves and they aren't mature enough to understand the consequences of their attitude towards people. and you know what? many of them stay that way. people are weak and weakness can make people mean without reason. of course there is a reason but that has got nothing to do with you. they have their own problems that they should face up to but instead they keep putting it off and take it out on the one who "cares" about others views of things. cause they can see their godlike effect in your responses. they see this, it energizes them; they forget about their own stuff and then move on till one makes them pay off. surely, there is someone less talented than you in your environment, and there are uglier people but not many of them gets bullied. cause they know. and values as such are relative anyway. it's your idea of yourself that should count and you've lived long enough with those of others. and to have an idea of yourself, you need experience. so just experiment. that is the only key to this. every one is good at something, you'll find what your thing is. most skills are acquired and socializing is a skill, too.

live every moment so as to make sure that you'll be able to say to yourself that you did something because "you" wanted to do it. state an idea that you know is yours. explain your view of things if necessary but do not discuss them. as long as you don't harm other people, do what you want. and you know what, people respect that. and the difference is you've gone through it and now it'll not be by chance that you got your self esteem and worth back. it'll happen because you fought for it, tried hard, you were put through a test and you passed it. and that will be something you already know and you'll never lose it again.

the key to all this is, in short, in being yourself. getting to know yourself. and ask yourself: why should i care? why are others so important for me? do i love these people? do i have respect for these people? do they mean anything to me?

do not fear experience. every one fails the first few times, whatever it is they are experiencing. those that don't are lucky and such lucky people are rare. you can overcome this fear only by failing and trying so that next time you do better.

just mark my words: it wasn't you that did this to you. chances are high that you felt something threatening in your life. and this happened when you were so young that you couldn't tell fantasy from non-fiction. so you had no chance to reject any impression of you imposed on you from the outside. you tried to make sure your loved ones loved you cause this is probably the only threat to a person that young. so the voice inside your head that tells you all that stuff, that judges you before anyone else and makes you live with paranoia is not exactly yours. i'm overstating myself but this is very important. that voice started inhabiting your head when you were too young to have your own. it does not belong to you but has become a part of you. you don't have to deny it. acknowledging that you are about to change and become another person will do it for you anyway.

do not judge yourself. you'll not die if you fail. and those that witness your trials... do you know how many times they have failed? you'll only be postponing your problem to a later time if you keep isolating yourself from experience and interaction. and problems evolve only to become worse and more complicated, mind you. don't get used to living like this. it'll become harder to deal with. it'll feel like it was part of your skin because you'll have determined your life according to all this and that will get you a life full of bad habits many of which are hard to shake. and when you find that out, other problems, such as the possibility of feeling that there is no power nor any energy left in you to fight against it and change may knock your door... all of which you don't need at all. but if you start now, you'll be a person with self-confidence which is no more than a matter of time.

long, i know. but i had this same problem(very similar and even worse experiences) and i now am the person who for the last couple of months had no thoughts of suicide, for a change, despite the fact that i am now a combination of all of those experiences and bad habits that i never wanted to have. but hopefully, the knowledge of that is what's gonna change me.

let your journey begin. just start finding out about yourself. the more you have something to do, the less you think about people, and the better the feedback you get. engage yourself in work, a socially active life, and in what you like. reflect on yourself and when you realize you don't like something just change it. try as hard as your circumstances let you. i am 27 now and lived like a cave man hiding in his cave. dated once in my life for a month. broke up with all my friends. hated my job. hated the world. cried for hours about three or four times a week. years, on and on like this. i even got a chronic illness due to stress. one due to which you keep fainting and temporarily lose your memory and all. i always tried to be free but that cost me a lot. i chose a lonely life and i still don't like people but i am not the person i had been. the difference is... now i know it. and that's what kept me alive thus far. but the last 15 years of my life has been my personal hell and i had displayed every sign of major depression. that's why it took me so long to write about this. start nor, you have no time to lose, grab it by the horns. do you wanna live like this for the rest of your life? ask that to yourself. and start. don't worry, it'll feel like the breath you have gasped for. just wait and see. take care.

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