I need help, I need something.

People don't seem to get that it's passed logic, this is just a problem, it doesn't even mean that talking will help, I just don't know what to do.

I was diagnosed with "OCD". I've got the "obsessive thoughts", the "rituals", all of that, and it has come naturally, ever since I can remember, literally. My mother has clinical depression, I have an imbalance of seretonin which is one reason that depression and anxiety are close, other than the fact that you can only take your own bullshit for so long and symptoms and your body reacting and all of that crap. (I'm cussing because I'm being blunt, I didn't get a "Term Of Agreemnts" saying that I can't cuss or I'll get knocked off or whatever, so I apologize if it's really that much of a problem, but I think me getting help is the problem, please just deal with it.) I right now can't think thoughts because I'm afraid they belong to someone else, and if I don't deal with it I'm afraid I'm lieing to myself. Thinking for myself is very important to me and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I keep my own thoughts, but it won't stop, nothing is helping, I don't even know what I'm doing wrong anymore. If I do something wrong, or maybe how you people would say it is "wrong", and I don't deal with it, what I think doesn't matter, and it doesn't matter because it's "not" mine. Maybe it's because I just question the fact that maybe it's even possible, maybe because I get those feelings for a reason and I'm not really sure what the reason is, but I can't even take the time to think about it because I have to make sure I even "can" or whatever comes to mind is irrelevant for the reasons that I said above. Maybe it's because I don't remember the original reason why and I just don't want it to happen again because I remember later and all the things that I think mattered after I thought I dealt with it won't, and I have to deal with whatever reason might be the real reason. Maybe just because I have symptoms over what I worry about, so I'll worry about it naturally, people do that a lot with all kinds of things whether you have a disorder or not. Are disorders just things that cause problems in life but come naturally to that individual person? Not just events but I mean just how they think and react?

I'm taking "Paxil", I don't know what it's doing for me because I can't really remember what it's like not being on it, only because I think I'm just not as aggitated as I get when I get anxious, the whole emotional thing is taken away, but that's not my problem, my problem is that I can't stop or that it won't stop and I don't know what to do. I know this isn't side-affects.

I've done everything you can think of, I've stopped eating, sleeping, drinking, going to the bathroom (I pissed my pants and one time had to keep a huge jug of my own urine in my bedroom because I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom and saw that doing that was doing what I could), I've not cleaned my room for long periods of time because I thought it would hurt, I've stopped washing my hair before, I've tapped on pencils for certain number of times, I do a lot of things in certain number of times, almost everything, I tap on walls a certain number of times, I have my own way of counting actual numbers, numbers are the big thing for me, I have to do things a certain number of times to get passed whatever I did wrong, I have to stop doing things that I was doing at the time that I was doing something wrong so I can not be wrong again, if things are a certain way that I was doing something right I will try not to change it unless it's necessary, I have to not do things to make sure I won't be someone else which is the problem that I have to begin with is worrying I'm someone else, I have to not do things to make sure I won't go back to a way I was and don't want to be anymore especially since I've gotten my head out my ass after seventh grade, I am not one to be huge on being clean. I'm not afraid of "germs" and all that crap that people say are associated with "OCD" a lot and are not. "Monk" is interesting and has some actual symptoms, but that's not all "OCD". Disorders are personal too.

I just want to be able to have the chance to figure things out, and I can't do it. I'm only typing this because I don't know what else to do. I want an answer from someone who knows what they're talking about, not opinions, not people, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, someone who knows what the hell they're saying, not "hope you feel better" and "sorry", I don't need that. Just do what you can only if you know what you're talking about and can help, not just bullshit answers and comments. I need this, I need something, and I don't know what it is. All I know is that I have the potential to figure it out and I just need to get there.

Thank you to anyone that has something to say, I need help.

Livia Bias