Re: my boyfriend is cheating on me but I can't leave him

I too am in a similar situation. My bf and I were together for about 5 years and lived together for 4. I moved to two different states with him, left my friends and family, and endured law school while he got his double masters in a town and state that we both hated. Two summers ago, just when it felt like everything in our relationship was going so well and almost like a farie tale...I felt so loved and so wanted and so sexy...I found out that he had been having very inappropriate conversations on both the phone and facebook with an old girlfriend...a woman that I had met before adn who was also engaged to someone else at the time. I found out because he had been using my laptop and left up his facebook page so I saw all of the messages and conversations they had been having togehter...they were so sexual and talked about fantasizing about each other and how much they missed each other and talking to each other. I freaked out and was so hurt and angry...I drove straight out to his work and waited outside for him to come out and confront him. He knew something was wrong right away and when i confronted him he admitted that things had gone too far, that he was sorry,a dn that it woudl stop right away. Bottom line is it did not stop...I lost all confidence in myself and all trust in him but I could not leave him...I love him so much and could not even face the prospect of being alone and without him. From time to time I would listen to his voice messages, check his texts, and look at his email. Just when he told me that it had stopped and that he only loved and wanted me...i would find something else...a text, a voice mail, something that provied that they still talked to each other and that the context of those conversations was sexual in nature. Every time another piece of me died and I sank further and further into depression...somehow I graduated in the top ten of my class and used school to distract me from the constant feeling that he was cheating on me. This continued...not just with his ex (although she is still the main one) but with others as well. We had to move in with my parents after graduation...the stress of the bar, living in cramped quarters,boredom, and my depression made things worse...and i found out once again that he was talking to his ex and telling her how much he wanted to see her, how much he missed her, how sexy she was and that it was killing him to put on this false face in front of me and my family. The thing is that every day he would look into my eyes, kiss me, and tell me that he loved me...that he thought about our future together. In early December, he showed up one afternoon with a box and crying (whether it was sincere I don't know) and packed up his stuff in front of me and left. he had gotten a one bedroom apartment in another town behind my back and would not even tell me where he lives (I still don't know). He said taht he needeed some spaace to think about some things, that he loved me, that he hoped I would understand...he has repeatedly said that this has nothing to do with his ex and that he can't think of anyone else...but i guessed the password to his email and have been checking in on him. He has been lying to me all along...he constantly writes to her...I know that the day after he left me he had sex with her and that they see each other all the time, talk all the time, and are sleeping togher...yet he constantly tells me taht he loves me, that we will be back together, that he always thinks about me, and that no one else has been over to his place...it is such complete bull****...but i can't confront him about it yet...i am not ready...all i feel is pain and betrayal...but i love him so much it hurts...i ican't even breathe...i know that is messed up but i don't know what to do...i am not ready to do what i need to do