Re: Older lover

Hi, I am in my last year of high school. I just turned 17. I have been dating this guy who is 27 turning 28. We have been seeing each other for a couple of months, but have only recently gotten "officially" together since New Year’s Eve. I consider myself as a reasonable dating person. I don’t fall head over heels and crazy about this guy. I have kept my school, dating and all my extra-curricular activities (because I have A LOT of them) well balanced (I think). I did the best I could hiding this relationship from my parents. I don’t have much time for him. We see each other only once a week. I like him and I am starting to like him more and more. But now I need to make a decision. Our relationship can not keep going this way no more. I feel that I m, in a way, wasting his time. He is not so pleased with my way of being a girlfriend neither. But he knows that it’s not completely my fault and he understand it. There is NO WAY that I could ever tell my parents about this. But if I don’t, I won’t get much time to be with him (all the lying has gotten me in too much trouble already). And that is defiantly going to end our relationship soon.

We are kind of serious lovers. Since he lives by himself, we are thinking about maybe moving in together in a couple of months, maybe summer. But all that depends on weather I decide to stay with him. He gave me the choice. I know that some older guys date younger in order to be idolized and they are usually not so successful in their adulthood life. But I think he is not so bad. He brags a lot about how great he is because he is really motivated about life. He is working in a bank full time now with an okay salary, studying part time at a pilot school. In 3 months, he is going to train to become a soldier in the Canadian forces. He is a great painter too. He admitted about being a great jerk, playing with the girls. But he tries to make me feel special. I had a hard time believing him in the beginning, but then I saw that really, he is serious with me. And that kind of scares me. No one has ever wanted to be that serious with me.

His age is not a huge problem for me. (I still find him a little immature sometimes) I have always dated older guys and I had affaires with men who were more than 10 years older. But back then, we both knew it was only a summer romance, a game after all. So it was no pressure fun. While now, this is a relationship that I will eventually have to tell my entourage about. This is something that will break me away from my family, away from a lifestyle that I got used to. He is rich but not that much. He is still renting an apartment in a not so good neighbourhood. But I do, really do want to move in with him. He offers me everything I wanted. Live with my boyfriend is something I have been dreaming of, but never thought possible. And now that I have a chance I don’t know if I should take it or not.

Add to all that there is still the question of money. I don’t have a job. And until summer, I am not even a high school graduate. I doubt I can get a very well paid job. He paid for the rent naturally but everything else...my parents are not going to pay for college if I move out. And I have already applied to a private college that cost around 3 to 4 thousand. I don’t want to lose him. He would be a wish coming true. But I know that living with him is not a reasonable decision. I have read some articles about dating older guys, I think he is a little controlling and always think that he is better than me. I am a very proud person, but I don’t really show that side of me in front of him. As you can probably tell by now, I don’t really LOVE him, but I like him a lot and I believe that longer we stay together the more I will like him. I guess the temptation is really that he brings my craziest dream to reality. I can live with my boyfriend instead of my parents.

My family is not really holding together anymore. My parents never stay in the same room with each other; they never speak to each other unless they ABSOLUTLY have too. Most of the time, I’m the messenger. They are not the people who understand me and accept me. For years, they have loved me for the one they thought I was. I may not love my boyfriend but I love being with him and I would love to live with him.

I am responsible for a big part the school show case; leader and choreographer of a hip hop routine at school; a dancer in a semi-professional dance troupe; creator and chief editor and the school newspaper and I am also a Vice-President at Junior Achievement. I’m just saying all this so you can understand that, being this much involved in everything can sometimes be very tiresome. I’m good at dealing with others’ problems. But the people my age just seem so immature and unbelievably drama queen wannabees. I always take things into hands and take care of the bad situations. But, sometimes, I feel that I need some one behind me too, some one who can take me in their arms. I don’t think that he understands me perfectly but somehow I don’t feel that I need to be that fully understood. I just feel that he is some one I can relax with at the end the day. And that is enough.

Leaving him would mean me being very lonely and I tend to get seriously depressed. I don’t have a group of “BBFs”. I have close friends, but I don’t fell any one could replace him. I love having him in my life. But I don’t have the courage to confront my parents, especially now that the lies have built up, I feel really horrible for my mom who has trusted me so much and who was always there for me even though she was never a help and never really understand my problems and concerns. Only 4 of my friends know about him and I rarely talk about us with them. So most of the time, I handle everything by my self. But now I just have too much of it and that is way I am asking you. Should I stay with him or what?

Thanks a lot for your time and understanding