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  ADD spouse has changed and is getting worse.


KOM2002 (question)  ADD spouse has changed and is getting worse.

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reply ** Re: ADD spouse has changed and is getting worse , Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92 , 16 Dec 2006 09:32
question ADD spouse has changed and is getting worse. , ****** , 16 Dec 2006 06:11
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ADD spouse has changed and is getting worse.
From: ******
Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2006 06:11:46 +0100
Language: English


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I have been married to my wife for 14 years. For much of that time I felt that she was immature but would probably outgrow it. As many spouses of ADDults have, I thought I could help her work through her challenges, help her "grow up" a little to better interact with her peers, and to care for her best interests.

Unfortunately, I became a parent of my spouse. much as she always hated hearing me suggest that. Instead of a woman to share my life with, I got a child in a woman's body.

She cannot connect her actions to their repercussions, does not think about things before she says or does things, her short-term memory is patchy, and she cannot recognize or use standard social cues during interactions with others. Her communication skills are virtually non-existent.

What makes this unbearable is that she is getting worse. She says I have never told her what issues she has, yet I've spent nearly 12 years doin just that. I even had a written excerpt from 4 years ago that she dated with her own handwriting at the top. She says that she never saw it, that she doesn't know how she signed it, and denies still that she ever had any knowledge of our discussions.

She has said that I have never discussed these things and therefore my recent news that our marriage was in terminal danger was such a shock. She told people that I was beating her over the head with my recent "revelations" and that it isn't fair. I persuaded her to seek psychological help, but she resented it and wrote a national radio program about how I forced her to go to counseling when she didn't see that she had very much wrong with her. This despite a history of always telling me that this or that was terribly wrong with her.

Then she tells people that my assisstance never happened. Even when she is shown proof and has others confirm it, she says that she doesn't remember it. I tried to tell her that "I don't remember" and "it didn't happen" are two different things. She said that since she doesn't remember it, in her mind it didn't happen, and that is what she will tell people. How can you argue when her mind is made up?

Meanwhile she wants me to seek help (I've gone to counseling for several years with a Conversion Disorder pretty much tracable to my repressing my emotions in dealing with her) and wants my oldest son to get help as well. This is because she wants us to get help so we aren't always angry with her. Regardless of her being the trigger to my severe depression, I have the depression so I need to be on medication. She has many prescriptions to treat her ADD and depression and panic attacks, yet she REFUSES loudly to take her meds except for the Adderall because it helps her lose weight.

I want to talk about things. It results in her throwing temper tantrums and has now said she doesn't think she will ever be willing or able to talk about our marital issues.

I have spent 14 years giving up job opportunities and chances to improve my life because I was dedicated to taking care of her and doing what she wanted me to do. Now she says it all never happened and doesn't understand why our 10-year-old son hates her (he said he would hate her even if she died), all because of her nearly constant yelling at him and me.

In all, I have wasted my life in my mind. I took care of a person who no one else would, and I am made out to be the bad guy for it. And it never changed a thing for long when I pointed out how she could get people to stop being mad at her all the time. I am the only one who has stood by her these 14 years - even her own family and closest friends have either abandoned her or limit their contact with her. So her villainous husband is still the only one stable thing in her life.

Yet instead of buying books to help her understand what was going on, I am prohibited from discussing it while she reads romance novels. At the library she skipped the aisle on self-improvement and relationships and went straight to the "divorce" secion. Now she has quietly opened a bank account in her name and continues to make me miserable, to the point that I am doomed to live a loveless marriage with someone whom I must take several medications to even stand to be with. And forget about sexual contact. NEVER!!! She's a friend, a roommate, the mother of my children (which she more-or-less tricked me into having, including several instances of "OOOPS - I forgot to insert the birth control foam"). Nothing more.

So this is a portion of my story. My psychologist says that there is something more than ADD in her behavior, chock full of double standards which apply to others but not to herself, as well as a tendency to lie or make excuses to keep from having to face her responsibilities, which i have to keep bailing her out of - even with the police twice.

The end of a 14-year marriage is pretty much unavoidable. How can I keep things civil while we break apart? How can I help someone who refuses to get help for things she doesn't think are wrong? How do I put on enough superhero capes in order to rescue her from herself?

Sincerely, Dream Walker
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** Re: ADD spouse has changed and is getting worse (Reply to: 89833 from ****** )
From: Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92
Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2006 09:32:53 +0100
Language: English


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I understand that you want to leave her and your life will probably be much better without her. But what will happen to your son. Will he be left alone with her?

Our articles about ADHD may be of interest to you.

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