** Re: Don't know who I am

I am a 31 year old mother of two boys ages 3 and 5 and a wife of 6 years. Before marraige I was an independent career women who was never going to rely on anyone to take care of me. I planned to have children and return to work which did not happen. I am now a stay at home mom for 5 years and love it but even though it is alot more work than any other job I have had, I feel worthless and not "good" enough to speak my mind to my husband. I take all of the blame for this but now it has gone too far. I am on an antidepresant which helps alot but I am still the quiet little homemaker with no opinion where I used to be a force to be reckoned with. I do all the homemaker "stuff" along with all the paperwork, yard work, taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Recently my husband started going out several times a week coming in when ever he chooses and expecting a full meal waiting for him. He complained about his job until he found one where he could be there for his children's activities only to prefer to stay at home and have a few drinks with his friend. At first (8 months) ago I was glad he had something else to do besides work because it made him happier and more relaxed but now he cant get out of the house away from his family fast enough. Tonight I took our 5-year old to his soccer game and he decided not to go. I stayed 45 minutes longer to see my niece and nephew play thier game. I got home to the comment that I needed to let him know when I was going to be late because he shouldent have to wait that long for dinner. Believe me he is perfectly capable of feeding himself. I never go out. When I did last winter to play darts of 1 1/2 hours once a week with my father I got an attitude when I came in for being "out" too long. But before each time I went, he and the children were fed dinner which made me late many times. Yet he leaves here at 4p.m. and is gone for 5 to 6 hours at a time, if not longer. I have been his idea of a convenient babysitter for his friend's kid while they go out. The designated driver if I do go out. Not by choice I might add. He says that I never drink anyway so why not? Well guess who always has to get up with the children the following day? He wont allow them to spend the night anywhere cause he cant sleep in the house with out them. Yet they must be quiet when he is home and not make a mess to disturb him on his time off. I cant take them anywhere with me cause that takes his time away from them but I cant leave him with them and go anywhere cause he needs me to take care of them so he can relax. Oh he makes sure to keep me "happy" by telling me a few times a month how great it is that I stay home with the kids and how smart they are and how lucky he is. Well I should say so!!!!! He was married before and said his first wife hurt him so bad that he will never try hard again. I have begged for counseling which to him means divorce. He refuses to "lose" a fight even if he knows he is wrong. We are best friends but I am starting to feel more like his slave than anything else but since I dont support the family financialy I dont feel I have any say in anything. If I go back to work I know I will still have this job at home. What do I do? Who am I anymore?