my husband and i rushed into marriage as fast as we could it seems. we had sex on the first, date-type outing with friends, and we desided to get married almost that first week. a year went by and the wedding was everything and more, there were the usual mishaps, but it was beautiful, personal, and VERY family oriented. it seems as if we have it all. i love him, and do want to have a life with him, however i find myself wanting to leave, too.
i am 19 years old and am starting my first year in collage in the fall. he works in a factory and HATES it. he suffers from depression so sometimes its good, but sometimes i have to keep him from quiting.
there was an incident when he was out of state that he got REALLY drunk and was told later that he infact did have sex with a girl at a party. he told me and i chose to console him and i stayed.
i now wish i would have left. however i knew i would miss out on what ihave now, so i didn't.
was my appitite to prove everyone wrong, have a house and kids, and a husband, so great that i put myself aside for it?
i dont know what i would be doing now, but i dont know if i would have stayed with him . i told him all of this, also telling him that i said "yes" many times, AND infront of our families, so i had made my desition about staying.
i see other men i could have dated, want to, and have a posibility, however i tell everyone i know, "im married, i dont think about other boys" but i do. in fact my ex-boyfriend, for whom i left for my husband,(and i KNOW i have NO future with), has kissed me, and i have kissed him back. i think i did this because i know he hs to keep it a secret, and it put a bit of flare back into my marriage.
is this more of a betrail than his? i havent slept with anyone else, nor do i feel i want to really, hell i dont want to have sex with my husband most of the time.
i feel sometimes that i want to pack everything up while hes at work, and go back to my mothers. but i couldnt face her, or anyone else, knowing that they will all say"i told you so".
i could love him better i think, i just dont know if i want to.
i want to stay with him, if i can have more. i just dont know what more i want.
i lost a son when i was 16 years old. i think i want my husband to love me, and give me children because i feel so lost. i hate what i am. and hae no idea of what i should be.