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  I am married but unhappy since I am really gay
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KOM2002 (sad)  I am married but unhappy since I am really gay

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reply Re: don't know what to do , ****** , 29 Dec 2005 22:22
reply Re: I am married but unhappy since I am really gay , Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92 , 17 Dec 2005 23:25
sad I am married but unhappy since I am really gay , ****** , 17 Dec 2005 12:47
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I am married but unhappy since I am really gay
From: ******
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 2005 12:47:38 +0100
Language: English

 


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sad
I been married for 23 years and have 2 sons in college and 1 daughter in junior high school. I love them dearly but I been so unhappy for many, many years. I married my wife to make myself a good example to my other 8 siblings, my parents and society in my small town by pretending to be straight. We don't even sleep together for the past 12 years. But I knew I was gay long before I met her. I continue to stay with her and we live like roommates while I pretend to the world we are a happy couple and I do think she suspected it about me being gay. I gave up a man I felt deep feelings for 24 years ago. The movie Brokeback Mountain brought back memories of him and I realize even more I am only hurting myself by staying married to her. I am afraid of what everyone, especially what my family will think of me. I cry at night sometimes dreaming of being held and loved emotionally, mentally and physically by a man. I have been with nobody else but came close to trying it during these 23 years. I live in a small town where everyone know's everyone's business. I don't want to hurt my children or relatives and make them ashamed of me but I am hurting myself deeply. I want to find a true love I almost had before trying to be something I am not. I am 44 years old and feel like I wasted all these years making everyone else happy while depriving myself of being happy. Please help me, I want so very much to be loved in a way different like my wife loves me. I love her but am not in love with her. I am so scared to come out and be happy. I will not lie, I have thought of just leaving and not coming back or even suicide years a go so I will be remembered as the nice person I am known to be. But I have a grandchild whom I want to see graduate and she means everyting to me. I want tojust runaway to a big city and be happy with a man but don't know where to goor will have a place to live. I know I will hurt everyone if I disappear but all I want is to be loved again like I was 24 years ago.
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Re: I am married but unhappy since I am really gay (Reply to: 58533 from ****** )
From: Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 2005 23:25:19 +0100
Language: English

 


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I once met a man who had a bisexual wife. He accepted that she had female lovers, but he would never have accepted a man. Would it be possible to contact the man you had deep feelings for 24 years ago? If your wife is understanding, you can explore your sexuality and still be a good grandfather to your grandchild that means everything to you.



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Re: don't know what to do (Reply to: 58533 from ****** )
From: ******
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005 22:22:58 +0100
Language: English

 


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I'm in my twenties and my family has been pressuring me to find myself a girlfriend and get married. I have not told anyone about me attraction to men though I've know it since childhood. But st8 people don't understand - many simply judge, in ignorance - they feel that it is a choice we make - little do they know that if there was anything we could have done to be st8 we'd do that, many young guys have even committed suicide - and the media fails to effectively show this side of gay life. It only shows gay guys as sex freaks with diseases.

The truth as we know it is that gay men are born with attraction/affinity for the same sex, just like str8 folks are born with the affinity for the opposite sex. Don't feel like you need to justify this to anyone, especially to str8 people who don't know what its like to be gay. When all the gay people on Earth tell the world that they felt attracted to guys from early childhood, when so much of research supports this, than why worry? God created us all, and I do not know why he created gays+lesbians - but we all are part and parcel of His creation. Christians, who simply absorb whatever is preached in church, and then come out to abuse gay people for being gay, constitute the major part of the movement against gay people. If they are ignorant to learning the facts about being gay, then they too should be ignored. Why preach to someone who turns a deaf ear, and without having any experience of being gay, rule that perhaps being gay is a mental illness, a result of poor upbringing, a matter of lustful choices, etc.

It is true, that some men who are not gay will engage in homosexuality to appease their sexual pallette. This type of men are few though and not representative of the gay population. They use gay men for sexual acts that their wives will not participate in with them. But at the same time, they lust after their wives bodies.

I have decided to not get married. Firstly it is being decietful to another human being, your wife. Marriage is a meant to be a bond of Love and commitment, passion, and intimacy, all of which is based in Truth/Trust. To kickoff marriage on the foot of untruth to her is not good. She deserved to be know everything about you as she was going to be your wife. After knowing if she decided to not proceed with marriage, then good for the both of you, since this saves future pains. But to use her as a mask to cover up your sexuality and truth from society, is not a good thing.

What is worse is that you put yourself on the cutting block and offered yourself to your wife. This went agains the grain of your heart and true feelings. Consequently you hurt.

The marriage is hurtful to both. The children feel this too, even though it is subtle.

The good side of all this has been that as husband and wife, you must have done plenty of good things for each other. You also have children who you raised, selflessly. This is a huge accomplishment.

I cannot say what you should do. But one needs to be true to oneself first. Then only you can be true to others. Then only you can be happy. But truth needs to be accepted by you first, and you need to become comfortable and confident. If you can't live in truth with confidence, then you need to get professional help from a good therapist, etc. If you have accepted your truth, and can live it out confidently, then you are ready to face the world. In big cities you will find that while there still is some discrimination, it is not as bad in smaller towns.

The gay life is not a bed of roses. It is often made to seem free and fabulous. To find a good gay guy can be like finding a needle in a haystack. Many gay men have been looking for years. There is plenty of sex, infidelity, disease, amongst gay men in bigger cities. Just be very, very careful. If you take to the gay life, please do all the research you can, and go to gay.com, and other forums to get a good feel of the gay life.

Know that God, who created you the way you are, did not make a mistake. You are His creation and His will. Be it for the sake of Love that we find it impoosible to comprehend today. The mistake lies in the vision of people who see gay men as sinners. If you allow society to shape your life, surely they will step all over you and will shape your life for you :-) If believe in God, in yourself, and are confident, then you will can embrace the happiness due to you - just always be good, see good, do good, hear good, think good - for God's sake and for His saving grace. Then you will be happy.

Love,

Clyde

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KOM 2002