Excuse me if my question is not pertinent in this forum about sexual/ emotional abuse. In fact I do not know for sure if what I feel is a consequence of abuse. But lately I have been feeling many things and I do not know where this comes from. This is the first time I feel in need for advise- I'll explain.
I always thought I was very sexually free. I started dating my boyfriend a year ago and for the first time I wasn't able to have sex with my partner. I just thought it was a question of stress. But the stressing period passed and I still have that strong feeling of not being able to have sex with him when he initiates. Then I thought that maybe I wasn't attractive to him, but the more I am in this situation the more I analyze and discovered certain things I didn't give a great importance before. One of them is a past relationship with a man13 years ago. The relationship was very abusive. He got drunk all the time and he threaten me in many occasions with a knife. One day he did beat me and wanted to strangle me. He ended up keeping me in his house against my will for a night (is that kidnapping?). The following day he was ashamed and with hangover, and let me go without saying a word. I left and didn't talk to him for a year. Then I wanted revenge and do not ask me why I started dating again to screwed him. I discover he changed. I understood what his conflicts were but couldn't forgive him and ultimately I left him. Other things happened during these years: 3 abortions, MANY events with exhibitionist and many unhealthy relationships that provided just emptiness. I only dated men that I knew wouldn't make me happy. Now I think I did it unconsciously. Before meeting my current boyfriend I decided not to have intimacy with anybody because I thought it wasn't worth for me and that men are disgusting and looking only their own satisfaction (I know that's unfair to say and I feel ashamed about feeling this way).
During this one year I discover that I feel terribly sensitive to matters related to all kinds of violence and sex. The other day I felt really upset when I saw a rape scene in a film. I felt so upset that I had to leave the theatre in the middle of it. After I got into a big fight with my BF because he wasn't sensitive enough and didn’t feel as violated as I did. And all came out, and said things as if I have been sexually abused at some point ( I really felt it- although I never thought I was). The most scary thing is that two days ago a neighbor came home to pick up a TV that I sold him and he showed me his erected penis. I was so discussed and in shock that for the next 2 days I have been feeling once again disgusted by men. I couldn't have sex when my BF initiated the day after, which causes lots of tensions between us because this issue of my lack of desire makes him feel rejected. The awful thing is that I am so angry at men that I can have sex ONLY if I initiate it. That doesn't happen very often because I am not very interested (quite unusual for what I thought it was me). This is the only conflict my BF and I have. He has been really really great and understanding, and we are really working at communicating better and not feeling rejected. But I just do not know what else to do because this is becoming a bigger and bigger issue and it is putting lots of pressure on my shoulders, because whatever is going on it is within me, and he can't really do anything other than being patient. So my question- is this a sort of effect for sex abuse due to exposure? Anyone went through a experience of questioning about being victims of sexual abuse but not knowing for sure- and feeling ashamed by even questioning? If this is not a reflection of my experiences with sex, why do I feel so bad and angry against men and sex?I because REALLY conservative with sex and I ALWAYS need to initiate it. If my BF does, then the problem comes up in a second. Am I a freak control? Please help me to clarify these doubts. And forgive me if this is not the right forum or it is a too long email. Thank you.