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KOM2002 (plain)  Need to understand

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reply Re: Need to understand , Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92 , 03 May 2005 20:06
plain Need to understand , ****** , 02 May 2005 23:33
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Need to understand
From: ******
Date: Mon, 2 May 2005 23:33:24 +0200
Language: English

 


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Hi,

I am having problems with family relationships. I don't know if this is misunderstanding or something else but I need to understand what I should do.

This problem is between me and my brother-in-law(sister's husband). I used to have a nice friendly relationship with my brother-in-law in the beginning when I was studying my under grad. He helped me decide on my career and to study further. He gave a lots of guidance and was like my mentor. We used to chat(online) a lot before,just general discussions. I used to tell him about my ambitions and expectations of life. We used to chat for a long time. An year later I got engaged and was going to get married in a couple of months. I used to spend time with my fiancee a lot..talking to him over the phone...didnt spend time with my family since I was in love...and wanted to spend as much time with the person I was going to marry...My family was not happy because I never had time for them...and especially my brother-in-law. After my marriage it took a lot of convincing from me and effort from me to make them all come to terms with me till then they were very angry with me. I was pursuing my grad studies then....after marriage....then I started talking for 2-3-4 hrs talking with my bro-in-law....he used to ask me advise on my sister how to deal with her and other things too...he was very much interested in my life....I used to feel obligated to talk to him since I love my sister a lot.

Anyway once when I had been to my sister's house, my bro-in-law took me out for a day sight seeing and then he told how emotional he felt about talking to me and he told me how he missed talking to me when I can't talk and things like that. He had tears in his eyes. I was wonderstruck. I was so taken aback with his words....I felt very overwhelmed with things and could not believe my ears. That night he also had a conference talk with me and my sister telling us that there is nothing between us and he does not want us to misunderstand him. All the time he had told me that my sister knows about everything we talk about. Since I was just then gotten married my sister didnt like the idea of us talking since she thought my husband might misunderstand me. And we didnt react to the conference talk that well and he said he felt humiliated and accused of doing something wrong when he wasn't. After that I told him I am going to stop talking to him. He used to send me long emails and call me up once in a while to convince me otherwise and alwyas we ended up fighting and I stopeed talking to him.

Later from my sister I heard he had taken to drinking a lot....and he wasnt himself. I talked and said he needed to take care of his health. And again he visited us sometime back and he again went about saying he cannot deal with this and stop thinking about our conversations...(which was not in anyway sexual) and he was not doing well at his work and he cannot go on like this and he needs me to talk to him. I told him that I didnt have problem talking to him but if it is a major need from his part which I dont like hence I will not talk to him. I told him to correct his life since he is spoiling everybodys' life. I needs to get over this on his own.....

Recently my sister calls me up and tells me that the reason why he feels that way is because he thinks he has been accused of something he didnt do and feels humiliated by everybody and his ego has been hurt. He has lost his confidence and he cant go on like this. He needs to be sure that none of us feel that he has done anything wrong and he needs to feel that he is not being accused.

I dont know how to approach this. I think he is obsessed with me hence I had stopped encouraging him but I now am confused if I have misunderstood him. Please give me a clear picture of this situation.
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Re: Need to understand (Reply to: 45429 from ****** )
From: Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92
Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 20:06:09 +0200
Language: English

 


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Your brother-in-law is a weak person that is too dependent on you. You did not understand how sensitive he was and encouraged him to be more dependent on you than you intended to. Ask him to start psychotherapy. The therapist will know how to help him to mature and not depend too much on others.




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KOM 2002