Re: sexual orientation and lack of desire

I'll try keep this short but it's complicated. I am very attracted to girls in general but not in a sexual way. I have the desire to be emotionally close with them, and sometimes want to be more than friends, but again not sexually. But, since I started having sexual fantasies around age 13 they were always about guys. Watching guys have sex, masturbate, or me performing oral sex on them. None of these guys were friends and I don't have a desire to be emotionally close or to date them. Recently I tried having mutual oral/manual sex with a guy that I thought maybe I could date. I was not able to come, as I quickly lost interest in having another person fondling my penis - it just wasn't hot. I just don't see myself as being a sexual being, except maybe when I pleasure myself. I still enjoyed pleasuring him though. And I still really liked kissing him. This lack of interest made me feel very weird and my sex drive hit rock bottom after that, I didn't even feel like masturbation. It has since come back up, but not nearly to the level it was at before. Other people just don't make me that horny at all, not even guys as much. I tried the same thing with another guy last week, and the same thing happened. Except I knew this guy well and was able to explain what was happening and he didn't mind, so I didn't feel bad. And I very much enjoyed being kissed, licked etc, and pleasuring him all over too. Still the idea of falling in love with a guy and growing old with a man just doesn't appeal. A woman would make a better partner. But if I try think about making a move on or having sex with a woman, it just seems wrong... why would I want to do that, it's cruel or gives me some kind of sick power. I don't understand how sex can be loving at all. That's my story, what does all that say about me? (no history of sexual abuse, just to clarify)