I'm overly inhibited, anxious and neurotic. A typical day for me includes 1 or more of the following: I'm physically very tired, mentally sluggish, verbally stunted and slow, I have a passive and weepy demenor, dour and negative outlook on life, apathetic towards my daily responsibilities, alternatively weepy feeling like a victim and quick to anger and feel bitter and sarcastic about most people and life situations, tend to be seen by people initially as a very nice person and then after they get to know me, sometimes see me as weak or aggressive, I'm an overachiever academically and am very competitive but never feel good enough even though I've gotten accepted to 3 different ivy league schools this year, I'm a little obsessive about cleaning and feel confused and anxious if my apartment is not in order, neurotically paranoid about what people think of me, afraid that people think I'm stupid or ugly or fat but know on a deeper level that I'm smart and fairly attractive.
I'm conscious on a deeper level that these irrational emotional and mental states are not normal or healthy and are in a large part due to the chemistry of my brain. I am able to deconstruct my inner monologue and abate my anger and sadness and mitigate the outward signs a lot better than I could as an adolescent. However, people who still get close to me can figure out my personal demons by looking in my eyes and observing my body language. I do not like wearing my heart on my sleeve. I do not like them knowing how I feel and what I think.
This is a chronic way of life for me. It is not due to a current life situation or acute stressors of any kind. I was neglected and internalized my mother's personality as a toddler and I think my brain hardwired this way. I do not ruminate on this as much anymore as I used to. I try not to be self pitying. This not constructive. I try instead to utilize this understanding of loneliness and depression in order to empathize with others in similar or worse situations than myself. I have worked and will always work in human services arenas. I worked in a Trauma Center for Victims of Violent crime and at a methadone clinic for example. I am studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. I strive to be thankful for the positive things that God has given me in my life and want to gain a feeling of worth and happiness by helping and nurturing others that feel as lonely and as unloved as I have/do at times.
I am fascinated by the human body and brain and yet feel powerless to help myself. The chemistry is genetic. My mother has profound,life altering, debilitating depression and her mom did too. Neither were even treated professionally for it. My mom hasn't many friends and hardly leaves the house and is very slow moving, talking and thinking. However, she was valedictorian in high school but felt cheated out of life potentials because of poverty. She felt abandoned as a child and thinks the world is not a very good place in which to live. She is very pessimistic. She can be very loving and kind but can turn on you in an instant and act in a very evil, manipulative, vindictive, paranoid and hateful way. I do not trust her and feel emotionally detached and vulnerable around her. I think the neurotransmitter regulators and pathways in my brain that were not utilized in my youth atrophied beyond repair during my young developmental stages. I have tried to talk with her about her own depression and mine but she feels threatened and accused by these conversations and ends up getting angry and throwing a temper tantrum like a child. I no longer talk to her about these things. I think she feels guilty.
I've always been afraid to seek help. I have in the past but they didn't make me feel any better and I stopped going. I've probably gone to 4 or 5 various mental health practitioners and none worked. I'm embarassed to ask for help a lot because of the societal stigma. I'm embarassed because I still unwillingly harbor the belief that a depressive or anxious mental state has a lot to do with a lack of will power and mental fortitude. Society is very unforgiving of mental illness...especially Amercian society. I blame myself a lot for this failing and feel guilty and try to pretend I'm strong when I feel very weak. I don't tell anyone how I feel and thus feel very lonely most of the time because I don't feel like anyone really knows who I am, even my own boyfriend that I love. I'm afraid he would leave me if he knew how I need pills to be happy...if he knew my daily mental anguish...I would be damaged in his eyes probably...others have left me because of this...friends and boyfriends...I'm 32 and am still single and I think it is because I can't form intimate relationships with people because of this fear. I also attract mentally ill and sometimes emotionally and mentally abusive men. I think I was trying to punish myself earlier in my life. I was not aware of these patterns for many years. I am also horribly afraid to have children even though I love them dearly. I long to hold a baby and cherish it and give it love but I'm afraid of not doing a proper job and perpetuating the family genetic and personality flaws.
I started doing drugs when I was a teenager. Experimenting with pot, cigarettes and alcohol and eventually moved on to coke, speed and LSD in my twenties. I only did the latter group a handful of times and now never take any mind altering substances except small amounts of nicotine and the very seldom beer. I led a very self destructive life with alcohol and abusive relationships in the past. This is over. I now have a very communicative and loving boyfriend and I don't abuse substances anymore. I was aware of how the speediness was helpful in mitigating or completely getting rid of my self doubt and negative thoughts though. The speed gave me a confidence that I had never felt before and I loved it. I was talkative and able to be emotionally more open and genuinely interested in people. I didn't feel overstimulated in a conversation and have an overwhelming urge to go away and be by myself like usual. My apathy went away and I had a vitality and love for life that was lacking when I was sober.
I started taking phentermine to curb my appetite because I tend to overeat a little when feeling lonely or worried. I'm definitely not anorexic or bulemic even though I've gone on a couple binges and purges but over maybe 15 years only about 10 times. I exercise probably 3 or 4 times a week because I noticed that this boosts my epinehprine and adrenaline and enhances my mood and energy levels. However, it doesn't have as much of an impact as the phentermine. I only take 1 30mg pill about every 3 to 4 days or so because I know high doses can increase blood pressure and cause heart, liver and kidney damage long term. I also get insomnia, constipation and headaches as side effects that are hard to deal with when you need to function at work and school the next day.
I hide these pills from people and this secrecy bothers me a lot, especially concerning my boyfriend who trusts me. I feel very guilty. I'm ashamed that I need this but I do. I keep taking it because I sometimes can't get out of bed without it or feel so emotionally low and insecure I want to cry and curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone. I know that the phentermine will kill the mental pain and give me happiness and self confidence and give me energy to move around. I know it will give me a general zest for life that I so long to have normally but that feels so out of reach without it. I feel stuck. Now I know what can help me but I know it isn't the healthiest thing to be doing and I really do not enjoy the side effects and the sluggishness I feel coming down from it isn't enjoyable either. I'm sure this imbalance stresses my body system homeostasis as well. The root of the word phentermine sounds like a derivative of something similar to ephedra which I know is illegal in this country because of its harmful effects. This worries me as well. I could exercise more but I really do it a lot more than average people already. Should I just become an overzealous athlete to alleviate this? I don't even think that would work frankly. I eat very healthy food and take daily vitamin supplements even though I do overeat sugar sometimes. This diet isn't causing the problem. I've had blood tests for hypothyroid disorders and anemia. They came up mostly normal. I do tend to be slightly anemic during certain times of the month. I'm careful about taking iron but I try to take some. What is a safer psychotropic drug alternative to phentermine? I've been prescribed prozac. That doesn't work. I was also prescribed paxil and buspar, those don't work. What should I do?
You might be right to consider a biological vulnerability and inherited trait. I cannot make any online diagnosis, but I am wondering about the "real" causes of your depression, eating disorder and drug abuse. It may be related to a dysfunctional type of "self-medication" to feel less stressed, overwhelmed or exhausted. If your problems started in childhood or adolesence you should consider to see an expert for adhd. Some patients with adhd have a very similar history. I recommend a book called "Add and addiction" by Wendy Richardson.
Do not use phentermine. It may cause severe problems to your health. You might need a psychostimulant medication but you should not do any self-medication with this kind of drugs. Prozac or SSRI may show some benefit, but are only one part of a good treatment concept. You might need a multimodal treatment including psychotherapy, coaching, antidepressant medication, maybe psychostimulants and exercise.
But you need to see a psychiatrist with special knowledge about adhd and comorbid disorders
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Today's date: Sun, 31 May 2020 03:49:22 +0200