My husband just busted me (again) for stealing "his" valiums. I suffer from panic attacks and depression, and might have avoidant personality disorder with passive aggressive features (my own unprofessional diagnosis, I majored in psychology and went to grad school for awhile before I just stopped going). He called me an addict (plus some very ugly and vulgar names). He is bipolar,has PTSD and paranoid personality disorder (among other things, again, my own diagnosis), has chronic back and neck pain, does not work nor receive any kind of income. He has Obamacare health insurance with a high deductible, so he presents himself to his pain doctor as uninsured, because they charge self pay patients less. Although I need to go to the doctor myself (and get my own antianxiety medication prescribed) it seems we never have enough money to cover that. (did I mention that I am also codependent? I am sole breadwinner and try to buy him everything he asks for) It is so hard to try to humor his paranoid rants, verbal abuse, and mood swings, while I am having extreme difficulty coping and functioning (my house is a health hazard it is so dirty, it is so overwhelming I don't even know where to begin). Is my husband right? I hate it when he is right. But I can't bring myself to leave him (last time I did he ended up homeless). We have created our own personal hell, and the only ways out I can see are jail or suicide. Why can't I find the courage to change my situation? But I can't so I rip off valiums (which I paid for) to try to combat how defeated and disgusted with myself I feel. Thanks for letting me vent, any advice would be appreciated. Peace be with you.
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Today's date: Sat, 30 May 2020 22:19:04 +0200