I am hoping to get some advice and guidance from you. About five years ago, I was raped. It was not violent. I was in college then and had a boyfriend who was out of town for the summer. During that summer, I met L, who was one of my neighbors. We became instantly attracted to each other and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with him (making out). I felt incredibly guilty but did not break it off with my bf because he was having a hard time in the new city (we did break up as soon as he came back that fall though).
One night, I was at L’s apartment with friends, drinking, as we did there often. I ended up really tired and he picked me up and carried me to his bed. While I was falling asleep on my side, he took my panties off and proceeded to have sex with me. This was my first time. I didn’t know what to do, and I ended up acting like I was into it, and even enjoying it. Afterwards, I ran home and cried. After that night, I continued to have sex with him and convinced myself that he did nothing wrong and I was just upset because I had cheated on my boyfriend. And every time, I ran home upset afterwards. I had convinced myself that I was a cheating whore (even though he was the only guy I had been with) and after him, I had meaningless sex with several men. To this day, I sometimes have trouble deciding if he was wrong or if it was rape. I never told him how I felt about it and never told any other boyfriends until my fiancé.
Now, I am in a happy relationship with my fiancé, whom I love very much. However, it has become increasingly difficult for me to be sexual with him. Early in our relationship, we had sex all the time, everywhere. And the closer we have gotten, the more “dirty” I feel about being sexual. Sometimes I find myself sexually responsive to scenes of cheating and rape, and it makes me sick. I don’t know how to change it so I just shut down sexually altogether. I do not want to cheat on my fiancé, I never have. But the physical response I experience from those things leaves me deeply unsettled. Is there anyone that has had a similar experience or can have some advice for me?
Thank you in advance.
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Today's date: Wed, 12 Aug 2020 23:12:42 +0200