Mine is a long story. Please be kind & patient enough to go through the same. Thank you in advance.
I'm male, 38 yrs old, comparatively well settled with my own house in India.
I find myself a very lucky person who had got all the things that are necessary in life pretty easily while I see others struggle for it. I work in IT field and I'm technical by mind. I've a total job experience of 17 years and I'm sticking to my first job after graduation.
I also had many international visits to serve our clients in US, Europe. I've a small family with my wife and daughter. Been married for 13 years. I was always accompanied by my family wherever I was abroad.
about 2 years back, we took a decision not to make any travel now as my daughter's schooling gets affected. I even changed my department from projects to corporate so as to avoid travel.
I should mention that after we got back to India, I had signs of depression and I attended a workshop on self-hypnosis. However, as if bringing the trouble myself, it generated hyper-thinking and ended in a schizophrenic kind of episode. I was given a treatment for schizophrenia for 3 months while my depression became worse. Eventually I stopped taking medicines and changed my phsychiatrist to whom I only asked to treat depression. He prescribed Rexipra(Escitalopram). With this treatment, I started feeling better but a lot of unwanted side-effects kicked in. After a while when thretening signs subsided, he slowly brought me on some mild antidepressent Sensival (Nortriptyline HCl) with daily dose of 50mg (2 x 25mg).
My problem seems to be with my job and/or the way I think about it. Over last few years, I had started to think detached from job and more connected to my family. It was good as far as work-life balance is concerned. But in the last 2 years, I had developed so much bad feeling about my job that I simply hate to go to job or even to think about it when I'm home. I admit that I do not like current job profile but I wouldn't even want to go back to the previous profile as it is a very stressful and I have created a mental block against it. And now as I think, I seem to find ANY and EVERY job impossible to do!
I'm doing better as far as depression is concerned. (Earlier I was having sucidal thoughts)
But the feelings are not normal. I always hate to go to the job and actually scared to go to the job. I've lost my confidence in doing anything. My motive is completely lost and sadness is set inside me. I feel extremely lithargic to do anything related to the job. I almost avoid anything that comes to my way at the job. I also have a terrible thinking that if I lose this job, I do not find myself fit for ANY job and I must preserve this job. In spite of that I'm not able to perform. I start painting negative picture as follows - I've lost my job (I'm the only bread earner in my family), I'm just sitting idle at home. My wife and daughter hates me. I cannot fulfil my family's needs and I start getting guilty feeling.
I can feel that I'm burdened with this tremendous amount of stress that is suppressing my happyness feeling. I do much better at home, in fact I even enjoy the things at home. but the moment I start thinking about job, I loop back in negative cycle and I can feel the stress.
my anti-depressants Sensival (Nortriptyline HCl) are still on but I'm unable to come out of the situation. I'm unable to enjoy my life as before and lost any interest in performing my job duties. I simply go there to get my paycheck. I need urgent help please. I still believe in hypnosis but my family would not let me try that again due to past event.
I think you should find something that you really love to do like a hobby, sports, or religious and church activities. Being trapped in a job that is not challenging anymore is really stressful, so you got to find outlet for that. You should open up to your wife about what you feel about your job, and if you have close friends and relatives they might can give you wise suggestions too. And if you really decided to quit your job, remember that it is not the end of the world. For sure you have some other skills that yet to be develop or nourished and you have to discover that. You can also do your own business if you don't want to be an employee anymore. Even if you start a small business atleast you are the boss.
Thanks Sheena for going through the long story and your words of advice. I'm working on getting my hobbies back like Music, playing keyboard, etc. I usually avoid negative discussions with my wife as I feel it would spread the negative thoughts further. She is aware of the situation and provides all the support she can provide to me.
Thanks for your encouraging words..