Re: Divorce problems

It is best for the children if they are allowed to call their parents when they want and feel a need for this. Knowing they can do this will make them more secure. It is your husband's new girlfriend, not the children, who is not happy with these phone calls. Her highest priority is not the welfare of your children, her highest priority is to secure her position with your ex. She is going to see to her own interest, since she is insecure and may be jealous of both you and the children.

You have arrived at a new phase in your divorce: a power struggle between you and your ex's new girlfriend, and between her and the children, for the support and favours of your ex. The strongest person sets the agenda. If your husband is deeply in love with her, then it will not be easy for him to set limits, and he will put her needs before the children. Women have effective tools for getting their way with men.

You are worried, because your ex's new girlfriend does not see things the way you would like her to. She, on the other hand, sees you as a threat and a problem. She may want children of her own. She may not want your children to inherit from him to the detriment of hers. She may prefer to have your ex to herself without the children. She certainly does not want you and your ex to have a close relation. Every time you talk to your ex about the children, she will be upset. If the children can call him whenever they want, she will be uneasy and never be left in peace with her beloved. If it were possible, she would prefer to spirit away you and the children.

What can you do? You will have to accept that the balance of power has changed, and that the welfare of your children will not any more be of highest priority to him. In this new situation, you have to be sensible and mature. Maybe the new woman would feel less threatened and excluded if you talked to her, rather than to your ex. Even when you talk to your ex, she may be in the background directing the communication. If you talk directly to her, she may feel more secure and in control. In such talks to her, you have to be supportive and understanding, not critical and accusing.

Would it be possible for your ex and the children to call you at times when she is occupied with something else, such as showering or shopping? Maybe she would not be so disturbed by such phone calls if she is not directly confronted by them?

To live in a step-family can be painful for all involved partners, and requires a maturity and responsibility which everyone does not have. The problems cannot be resolved by asking what is best for the children. The problems can only be solved by understanding the needs and interests of all parties, also your ex's new girlfriend. To make her secure may also be better for your children. Unsolved conflicts can be damaging to all, even the children.