Am I crazy or evil?

I have a problem saying one thing and doing another. I know that what I am doing is wrong yet I do the opposite every time. I go against my beliefs all the time as well, I know lying, cheating and manipulation is wrong yet I do it anyway. I love my husband very much but I have a very hard time talking with him. I'll agree with everything he says one minute but when I'm confronted I get so angry I say things like we shouldn't be together even though that's not what I want. In the long run I know what he is saying is true as well but it still doesn't stop me from being a total jerk to him. He is the only one I treat like this. He tells me that I am hurting his feelings yet I do nothing. I am a counselor and know so many treatment tools, I know what to say and what to do yet I can not apply it to my personal life at all. I seek attention and affection from other men even though I love my husband and want to be with him. I have never physically cheated on him but I have emotionally cheated several times. I have been to counselors, yet accomplish nothing. I want to work on other aspects of my life vs. myself thinking that if only I can change that part of my life things will be better. I am currently taking 100mg of Lamictal which I think at this point is totally pointless. I know that only I can change myself but it doesn't stop me from seeking elsewhere for answers. Like I said, I know what I need to do, have all the information/ training to do it yet I do nothing. Does that make me crazy or evil?

Training?

Pills?

Evil?

You're a fucking moron. There's no hope for you. You made a lifelong commitment to someone without the sightest comprehension of what that means. Your'e a child drowning in a sea of adults. Welcome to the rest of your life of selfish confusion.

God, I hate people like you. GROW THE FUCK UP. YOURE A GODDAMNED BLIGHT ON HUMANITY.

I don't think you're evil or crazy at all. As a matter of fact, I think you secretly treat him the way you do is because you know you can get away with it. I mean, he's your husband and he's your safety net so you feel like he won't leave you when you behave badly. But honestly, I think you have a secret desire to be with another man because you may feel like you're getting tired of your husband. I can't recommend you to have an affair to get out of system because that'd be wrong so I won't do that. Instead, I'll advise that you find small or huge ways to bring your marriage back to a romantic level so you can feel thrilled with your husband. Whether it's going to a hotel and pretending to be strangers who have an affair but either way, keep yourself within your marriage. And please try apologizing to your husband for the way you treated him because that is unfair.