Vad är farmors roll?

Jag är farmor till en älskad 2 1/2-årig sonrdotter som uppfostras tillåtande av min son och svärdotter utan någon rutin alls. Detta bekymrar mig. Hon har sovit hos färäldrarna i deras säng sedan hon föddes, vaknar många gånger varje natt, ammas när hon begär det. Mamman är mycket osäker och orolig. Barnet äter nästan ingenting under dagen - de erbjuder kryddig vuxenmat. Hon sitter aldrig vid bordet vid måltider, har inget fast läggdags, somnar ofta inte förrän 10 eller 11.

Jag tog hand om barnet en dag i veckan i 9 månader, och hade inga problem, hos mig fick flickan den rutin jag tyckte var riktig. Sedan placerade de henne i ett daghem fem dagar i veckan som var närmare där de bodde.

Jag har talat med min son om vikten av att ha en viss rutin (näringsriktig mat, fast läggdags, potträning, m.m.) men han sa att de är motståndare till all rutin och disciplin och deras dotter kommer själv att lära sig när hon är beredd för det.

Han påminner mig om den tillåttande uppfostran hos hippies, som gett barnen många problem med osäkerhet senare i livet. Den lilla flickan är så liten, blek, ser trött ut, verkar osäker i livet.

Min son blev arg på mig och sa att jag skulle sköta mina egna affärer. Så nu säger jag inget mer.

Har någon erfarenhet av vilken roll en farmor bör ha i sitt barnbarns liv?

Orolig farmor

As you are obviously aware, it is the parents who have custody and control over your granddaughter. There is no way that you can influence her, unless you develop a positive relation to her parents, so that they choose to let you take care of the child again. They have to feel that you are not counteracting their wishes.

What is happening now may also be a kind of triumph for them: Mother, you decided over me, when I was a child, but now it is we who decide!

You need not be worried about potty-training. She will learn, whether she is trained or not. To sleep in her parents' bed need not be a problem. It can give her security, especially since she is in day care during the days.

If the day care rejects her, that could be more serious. Is it because she acts out in problematic ways? If she is undernourished, that can also be serious, but many children are naturally pale and thin.

Children can be influenced by the people around them, even if they do not meet so often. Try to get your son's family to accept and like you.

Children who are brought up with order and discipline will more often become conscientious and well-adapted adults.

Children brought up with a great deal of freedom will more often become creative adults. Society needs both kinds of people. Some children, who are brought up in chaotic circumstances, will still do well later in life. Often a reason for this is that a grandparent or a neighbour has influenced them.

I know of people who have been brought up in the way you describe, and who have chosen to live an orderly life. Not because they have been trained that way, but because they decide themselves that this is what they want.

Fealt that I wanted to write something, cause your words crossed my heart. First of all I think that you seem to bee a caring person that actually ask for others opinions, even though you want to get your question confirmed. As a mother of two children 11 and 13 I can understand that you want your grandchilds best... But as my mother always have tried to tell my children I do everything wrong I´m concerned... I understand that everything that she stands for is her opinion and beleive, but can she never understand that this is my life and my beleive?! She has contacted the socialgovernement and reported me, and they contacted me and we had a meeting and the said that nothing is problem here more than between you and your mother... Some days I have even thought of leaving my children so she can take them, but since you are a mother yourself you know that you can not do that thing. But you want to get rid of problems... I understand that this is not your problem.. Your son has met a woman, and I hope he loves her and she loves him. I can see in your lines that you write that she is insecure and perhaps that you don´t like her way to behave.. but you have to trust your sons beleive, you have raised him. But as he don´t do things the way you tought him doesn´t mean that he didn´t like it... he has met a new person in his life, with other experiences and as he loves her he has to rearange his values so his life works. You love your partner, but you don´t love everything they stand for, as you are an individual with other opinions, but to work together you have to reconsider. Take all your time you can with your granddaughter, love her as you do. It´s the best you can do as a grandmother, the child needs you!!!! But the best thing is to let the parents rule, I guess that you and your husband raised your son after your own opinions... let your son raise his daughter after his opinions. As long as she is loved there are no other rules... I have seen children from bad familys behave like the best and children from good familys behave worse.. The child is still an individ and make it´s own experiences.. I read once, you don´t own your children you have them for loan Ps, and about the pottery training, since I was concerned aboute my own children... someone told me! Have you ever seen a healty man of twenty not beeing able to manage toilet? I took that to my thoughts.... Don´t tell your sons family how to behave, just be there, make cookies, take care of your grandchild.. I promise your son and his wife need you! I need my parents since I´m divorced, but since my mother always tell me I do wrong I can´t take anymore..I know they suffer, but she isn´t strong as you to take others advice. Her rules are law.

Hejsan Grandmother.
Jag ar ocksa en grandmother som sag hur min son och hans fru lat min lilla Ceridwen amma hela tiden dag och natt.
Sedan var hon astmatisk och allergick etc etc.
Hon sov i deras sang etc.
Men jag ar glad att saga att flickan tycks inte har fatt nagra storre storningar av detta.
Flickan ar nu 4 ar gammal och mycket duktig med det mesta.
De har tom tva hundar och hennes allergier tycks klara det bra.
Jag var orolig for detta nar de skaffade sig en andra hund efter att fatt veta att barnet ar allergisk till vissa husdjur da bla hundar!!
Ceridwens mamma ar en mycket bortskamd individ som inte ater allt hon heller. Sa det ar val inte undra pa att barnet blir "fuzzy" hon ochsa.
Och dessutom sa lagar mamman ingen mat utan allt ar fardigkopt.
Inte bra.
Men nar den lilla kommer till ming sa ater hon allt.
(forutom notter och sant som kan gora henne mycket sjuk)
Sa oroa dig inte for ditt barnbarn. Det blir sakrt bra skall du se.
Det gar inte att lagga sig i andras uppfostran av deras barn, och alldeles speciellt inte nufortiden.
Farmor Kristina