Married to an severe alcoholic/addict

i am married to an alcoholic/addict. i have two little girls 4 and 5. i feel so angry and depressed. the lies are to many too count the tears are too many to wipe. i feel so alone. he seems to be getting more and more sick over the years(mentally)and he has aged dramatically this past year. help me somebody, i feel like i'm sufficating

I know exactly how you are feeling. After 7 years a 6 year old daughter and many on again off again bouts with my live in boyfriend I have finally (I think) decided to let him go. I say I think because we have a cycle where he loses his temper and goes too far in his drunken rampages, and I kick him out or he leaves on his own accord or under the threat of the police.

It is so painful to see the man that you love, someone you have convinced yourself is your soul mate, wasting his own life away. The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming. I use to see so much potential in him, and just knew I could "save him".

He has gradually torn apart my self esteem. He is an angry drunk and I have to control my tongue around him constantly. Walk on egg shells. I am 8 years his senior at the age of 34. I have maintained a rewarding career for almost 10 years now and have a 14 year old son from a previous relationship- he has suffered the most. He is the one who would catch a lot of the boyfriends wrath when the "episodes' would explode. Then our fights would come from me defending my son. I shouldn't have to do that.

This man who I love so much has hurt me severely over the years, I forgive him and continue to try to save him, losing myself in the process.

The physical, mental and emotional abuse I have endured are in describable.

When we are separated I tend to transform into something better every time. I look better, I am less stressed and I smile more. Yet for reason I can't explain I always let him back in with nothing more than a smile and a promise, that never last.

This time I have to be done, for the safety of my children and myself. You really can't save them. If they are taking you away from life, if they are making you feel like you are swallowing cotten every day- you have to leave.

I am relieved that he is gone, I am staying strong every day it get easier. I am lonely, but I was lonely when he was there. I try not to be mad at him, I say I wouldn't go the hospital and cuss out a cancer patient for dying, so I won't be mad at him for killing himself. He has a disease that only he, God, and some professional medical help can cure.

Get out of this relationship NOW- it is fruitless, he will not change until he hits rock bottom, he must lose everything- including his family. It is sad and it is hard, but it is the only way you can save yourself and your kids and find your way back to a normal life.

Good luck- god be with us both.

Sorry to hear of all your heart ache, I too was in the exact same boat, I was married 17 1/2 years ,we had two daughters 2 years apart in age.
I kept telling myself well he's really a good man and he loves his kids. But then he would go on binges and drink, sometimes not coming home for days, and then sometimes coming home just to be pitiful,broke,*paycheck gone* abusive,verbally, and physically, but not all the time. I'd ask him why he did it, when he worked so hard for his money, and the same stupid answer, was, I don't know, that just killed me to hear that. I lied for him, to everyone, even lied once in a court room. Things i did so maybe he would eventually straighten up, he promised so many times, and sometimes it would stick, just long enough for me to gain my confidence back in him, and then out of the blue, Drunk, all the crap that came with it, the girls would eventually get old enough so then they were involved in our little secret world of living with an alcoholic, I finally had enough, and took my girls, and divorce him. I can't say it's easy, but you sure do have the peace of mind know your kids don't have to deal with that crap any longer. Please take this to heart, start over, and give your kids a fresh start. Don't do like i did and wait until they were teenagers.
Best Luck,
Michelle

I can so understand....I am also married to an addict. The funny thing is he has been sober for 15 months, but now its pills and not every day thats what makes it even harder I dont know when to expect it. I have laid down how I feel about a clean and sober life and he seems to agree but of course then the addiction kicks in. We to have children and it is getting harder and harder to hide, or maybe I shouldnt hide it I dont know. I also feel very alone and have nobody to talk to. I wish you the best of luck

I too feel alone. Im not married but I have been with someone for just over 2 years and he has a drink prob. Im finding it very hard. Im in tears as I write this ,I do not know where my future is going. I feel very alone. As I read all your stories Im finding it hard to hold back the tears as I know what you're going through, even tho Im not married things have turned quite bad and I do not know which way to turn. Would like someone to talk to. When me and my boyfriend met I didnt know about his drink prob, he had a good job and seemed lovely and patient and reliable and caring and relaxed (thats the guy that I dont want to leave). However I knew he'd had a hard up bringing and then more and more things came out, I found out about his drink probs in the past and then about how alcoholism ran in his family. I obviously thought i was the calming influence on him and he could change but gradually he started letting me down and standing me up and being unreliable through drink. Recently things have got quite bad and he was violent, this was when he was sober. theres so much going through my mind. I cant understand how he can be so nice and then change. He turns to drink all the time, especially after we've argued. He just hits the bottle and then ignores me for days. Hes got in trouble at work and with the police because of his drinking (hes in the forces). Hes ruining his life. He knows I panic and worry yet he still lets me down. Ive ended it with him few times and hes begged and said he'd change. He only changes for about a month and then he starts letting me down. Sometimes I feel like he blames me. yet I know hes had the drink prob for years. Can people change? Funny thing is he doesnt drink with me only alone in his room and hides it or with mates. He always goes too far. Hes ignored me for days. As Xmas approaches I feel sick with nerves of being alone. Ive given him chances tho and he still lets me down. He knows how I worry. Sorry for long rant, just finding things very hard.

I too feel alone. Im not married but I have been with someone for just over 2 years and he has a drink prob. Im finding it very hard. Im in tears as I write this ,I do not know where my future is going. I feel very alone. As I read all your stories Im finding it hard to hold back the tears as I know what you're going through, even tho Im not married things have turned quite bad and I do not know which way to turn. Would like someone to talk to. When me and my boyfriend met I didnt know about his drink prob, he had a good job and seemed lovely and patient and reliable and caring and relaxed (thats the guy that I dont want to leave). However I knew he'd had a hard up bringing and then more and more things came out, I found out about his drink probs in the past and then about how alcoholism ran in his family. I obviously thought i was the calming influence on him and he could change but gradually he started letting me down and standing me up and being unreliable through drink. Recently things have got quite bad and he was violent, this was when he was sober. theres so much going through my mind. I cant understand how he can be so nice and then change. He turns to drink all the time, especially after we've argued. He just hits the bottle and then ignores me for days. Hes got in trouble at work and with the police because of his drinking (hes in the forces). Hes ruining his life. He knows I panic and worry yet he still lets me down. Ive ended it with him few times and hes begged and said he'd change. He only changes for about a month and then he starts letting me down. Sometimes I feel like he blames me. yet I know hes had the drink prob for years. Can people change? Funny thing is he doesnt drink with me only alone in his room and hides it or with mates. He always goes too far. Hes ignored me for days. As Xmas approaches I feel sick with nerves of being alone. Ive given him chances tho and he still lets me down. He knows how I worry. Sorry for long rant, just finding things very hard.

Well everyone.
I'm currently 14 years old going on 15
and my father is an alcoholic he has been
my whole life. A father of 6 kids shouldn't
be doing the things he's done. He cheated
on my mom for years and just this past
year filed for divorce from her to be with
a slut he got with. I've watched him throw fits
about stupid things such as the house not being
clean when he gets home. He's thrown things at the
walls and broke windows and almost killed our dog
millions of times. I've watched him ruin his life and
not try to get help. He drinks around a 1/5 a day.

This is my situation.

Hope.
Hello everyone.
I hope my letter can bring encouragement, peace and hope. There IS hope, but it has to start with YOU.
I can say this because I am the wife of an alcoholic, drug addict (cocaine, meth, marijuana), compulsive gambler, and a sex addict, compulsive liar who was diagnosed as being "narcissistic " (surprise), ALL TO THE EXTREME. We've been married 26 years (yes, we're still married) and do not have any children. I always wanted them, but due to his self-seeking nature he would always tell me what i wanted to hear which, was "yes, i want them too, and one day we will..." knowing he did not mean a word of it.

He had low sperm count which didnt help, and now i/we believe it was due to his addictions. I have a very large family - 30 nieces and nephews and 13 great nieces and nephews which substituted for me not having my own children. Until now...

To make a VERY long story short, my husband went into treatment for the FIRST time 6 years ago. It was a very reputable center and he stayed for 30 days. He thought he was there for the right reason until he began his recovery journey. By the way I also went to the family program for one week, which I HIGHLY recommend to any or all of you to do if given the opportunity. I could go into the reasons more, but the shortest and best reason is to go FOR YOURSELF!

As soon as he got out he started using, unbeknownst to me. Actually, I never did know he was gambling or using drugs, i only suspected. People have a hard time understanding that and try to see me as describing myself as a "victim," which I am not. I was working full time and going to school full time. He traveled 2-3 days out of town each week, and started to become more. He was VERY good at hiding it. Addiction is a progressive desease which means that without help they will continue to get worse. ( and so do we ) He did get worse, MUCH WORSE. If I had the time I would share my story, but you 'll find some very similar stories like mine and yours if you go to al-anon (find a meeting on-line, in your area... and to the teenager... go to al-ateen!!)

He ended up making sexual advances to family members, gambled away all our money, took out loans after, borrowed from everyone and their brother, lied, stole, pawned our things, destroyed our more than perfect credit (which was not hard to keep with him), ruined my family connections, almost killed himself from his drug use, spent the money i was going to use for IVF, and caused us both... especially me because I was sober through it all... mental health issues.

I would not have been able to survive had it not been for GOD, al-anon, my sponsor, church, and the people that came into my life right at the perfect time!

I have to say he has been sober now for 5 years from it ALL, has been working a program with a sponsor faithfully, going to 3 meetings a week. One for alcohol, one for gambling, and the other is a speaker meeting. I have stayed in al-anon, see a counselor when I can afford it, which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND, and continued to work on MYSELF. They have a disease and need professional help. They can NOT do it on their own, (even though they would like to think so) which is part of the disease... denial. You can NOT change the addict, you didnt cause it and you can't control it... in ANY WAY.

I got through it with a lot of support and prayer!! PRAYER, PRAYER, PRAYER.
LETTING GO, and LETTING GOD and realizing that HE had to WANT to change, and I had to stop enabling him. I had to stop trying to "fix" him. OMG, you guys... it took a lot of effort on my part to really understand what that meant for him and FOR ME!!!

LET IT BEGIN WITH YOU...

I'm seventeen and it's been nearly two years since my mom divorced my father. I started to live,truly live,like a human being, free and rightfull, only two years ago. My father was and is an alcoholic. He used to beat up my mum(I mean severe violence, broken nose, teeth, marks on her skin from the ciggerettes pushed on her chest etc), used to beat me up too occasinally.He was screwing teenage whores, wasting all our savings on poker, jobless....The most terrible man I've ever met. And finally my mom found the courage to divorce him
So you have to do the same thing for your and your children's sake.
Take care

When you are addicted to the alcoholic addiction,you cannot fulfill the expectation of your life partner.The reason could be different in ways.But she wants you without addiction.Thanks. -------------------- gomez Drug Intervention North Carolina

I can very well understand the kind of trauma you and your kids are going through, and can surely empathize with your situation. However, let me just quickly add that all is not lost. All you need is to have a strong will and a cool head. There are plenty of places which work for the treatment of alcoholism and alcohol abuse. Please visit the site Alcoholabuse.com which is dedicated for alcohol addiction and rehabilitation. There is a toll-free number as well for live help call. I just wish your husband a speedy recovery. God bless!