The 21 Blues

The 21 Blues,

Hi everyone. I'm so confused. I lie awake in bed, thoughts just constantly going through my brain. I can sit for hours, not being able to make a simple decision. There are a lot of things wrong with me, the thing is, and I know it.

I recently turned 21. From that point on, my general wellbeing has been going down him since then. Everyone, I turned 21...Shouldn’t that be a time for celebration. Apparently not. A week before my 21st, my father had a heart attack. His fine though. Because of that, my celebration had to be a bit low key on the family side of things. I'm completely fine with that. I was also sick on my birthday with Bronchitis and a Sinus infection. I did not plan anything for my 21st because my boyfriend and my sisters were planning a surprise birthday party I was told. But without anyone telling me, they didn’t plan it, nothing was done, no birthday bash. I was left feeling empty. Out of all my close friends I have, which is around 12 or so. 2 of them only bothered to remember my birthday and send me a happy birthday text. My only brother or his family did not contact me at all to wish me happy birthday. Which both left me feeling like no-one cared. I had been to all their birthday parties. I had gave them all presents that all had a lot of thought put into them, and from every single one, I got nothing in return. I am not materialistic or anything, but I hate that I put so much time and effort into other people only to have nothing in return. Because of everything that happened within my family I had gotten pretty dodgy presents. I received money from my parents, only to which 1 week later I gave back because of my dad being unable to work they were receiving government pay...which was only 9% of what they were receiving when he worked. I knew they were tight for money so I gave it back, As well as an extra $200 from my own bank account which left me with $30 AU to live off for 2 weeks, and $24 of that was going to be for my next weekly train ticket. So I'm 21, with nothing to show for it.

As the days go on, I just feel myself sinking lower. I have a boyfriend who gives me double standards. Such an example; We were at a club, I was pleading with him to dance with me, trying to drag him to the dance floor. He didn’t want to and just said no. Not even 2 minutes later, His ex flame had come up to him in front of me and asked him to dance, and without a second thought, he said yes. Leaving me standing at the bar. I’ve asked him about what he did was wrong. Do you think I’m going over the top? He said that it was fine and what he did wasn’t wrong.
Another instance; He told me a friend of his came down from Queensland (A state in Australia) and that they were going to go out together and share a hotel room in the city. Closer to the date he was going out that night, he told me that this person was his ex. I asked him not to go, because I knew he was going to be drinking heavily that night, and I was very uncomfortable that he was spending the night with his ex. He told me he was going. I was so upset the night he went out, I spent crying. Previously, when he drank heavily, a so called friend of mine went into his room, and they performed sexual favours to each other. He told me that he thought it was me, which is very very hard to believe because we have VERY different body types. Also, the night he went out, his phone 'coincidently' went flat so I was unable to contact him. Now was I a little over the top with being so concerned?
Just today I had called him, because his in another state for family reasons. I had told him that I was going out tonight. He asked who and I told him. I mentioned one person’s name, who is a bit of a sleaze. And he instantly said NO. I asked why, he continued that he didn’t want me to go out because 1 of the people that were going was a sleaze. I told him that we have never met this person before and we actually don’t know them, only knew them from what we heard. I asked him for a good reason why I could not go, we were only going to go cruising in my friend car. He didn’t come up with a good enough reason so I told him, well I’m going to go out. He said don’t talk to me and hung up the phone and would not answer my phone calls.
I got to thinking lately, I am suffering from these double standards. The right choices I am making are actually the wrong ones. I choose to follow what my boyfriend says, but I think I'm beginning to realise that the right choice is actually the wrong one. What are your thoughts? Many other things has happened for me to lose trust in him, He would lie to my face about something, when I already know the truth because I've seen it with my own eyes.

I have so much more into the insight of me. I find myself crying randomly lately...Which I know is not a good sign.
But I am not without my flaws. Life has dealt me some crap cards in the past. And I am not one to forget. I can be very vindictive. I would plan how to hurt people’s feelings. I’m very closed off with my feelings, I've learnt from the past that if I don’t show my feelings, no-one would know my weaknesses. I could go on, but I feel as if I'm rambling. Just let me know if you people need any more info or insight. Thanks for reading.

From Blue 21