Re: Confused

It sounds like you are doing all you can to get out of the situation. Believe me I completely understand how difficult that is. Our relationships with our MM are very similar, and both equally as painful to live with and without. It is good you are going to counseling, that will definitely help.

You say you now have a loving husband and are focusing on him, that your MM doesn’t love you. Continue focusing on your husband, realize the love and happiness you have and will have in the future with him. Your MM hasn’t left his wife for you, chances are he won’t, leaving him behind as a memory you can smile on seems best. Should you lose your husband for your MM chances are you’ll be shacked up as his little sex puppet which will only make him happy and destroy you in the long run.

You are doing all you can, you can’t help loving your MM and thinking of him 24/7, believe me I know, I too can not stop thinking of my MM. Recently I realize too that he doesn’t love me, he just wants the erotic sex we talk about and he too wants me shacked up in an apartment near him, he talks about that all the time. I realize I would only wind up his sex puppet and am trying to avoid the temptation of being closer to him.

Focus on your marriage, hold on to that love tightly. My love for my MM, even though my husband doesn’t know about him, is one of the things destroying my marriage bit by bit and I can’t stop it. It of course isn’t the only thing destroying it, but it doesn’t help. Try and make your MM memories just that, memories and let him go. When you think about him, remember the happy times fondly but keep them at bay, bringing him closer again will only hurt you.

Be happy and best wishes!

CB

speaking of holidays, yes i am another woman deeply in love with a married man, that i have been seeing for over 2 years, we had worked together, I cannot face another holiday without him, he had givin me his word, we would be together this xmas, financials reasons are the problem here, he has even gone as far as going to an attorney, and now see's wow he has to come up with big bucks, in my heart, i know he loves me, and wants us together, but none the less this is so painful, when i hear him cry when i tell him, i am done, i get angry, maybe i am different, i will do anything for him, i did leave my home let me ad, i wasnt married, but with my fiance for 7 yrs, who was a cheater himself, nice huh? but i left, and basically have become homeless, living with different family members, i couldnt stay with my ex, and see my MM,i cannot do that.
but here i am suffering, angry, hurt, etc you nam it, i am feeling it...

this is the situation that we as other women put ourselves in, they will never be all "ours". If they have been married for 10, 15, 20 or more years the wife, children will ALWAYS be part of their lives, always. They have lied to their wivers and we are also being lied to. I feel we should all stand up and give them the boot in the ass and turn our back on them. Who knows how much they truly have cheaten on us and their former spouse, we wll always be lied to and come in second best if that. I know i deserve more it hurts and i have made to choice to put myself first, i am going to ask my mm to leave, we share a home now but i know he still sees his ex, he's lied to my face about, i've come to the conclusion that that they chronic liars and become so entangled in their lies that they can't even keep them straight, they want their cake and eat too.

Hello CB,
If you look back at some of the previous posts, you'll see that I once suffered through what you are going through. STN, Samantha, and myself were in it deep together and we tried to keep each other encouraged. After a 1.5 years of hurt and pain, I made a decision that no matter how much I loved this man, I was going to love myself more. It's just that simple. It hurts like hell, but it hurts more to be in that constant limbo. The MM is never going to give you what you need. And if you're "lucky" and he leaves his wife, what are you really getting? So how do you stop loving him? Or not loving him as much? Just start loving yourself more. The rest will follow. Good luck!!

Oh and to add to my story...They've only been married 5 years, which scares me that he was out and cheating so fast. I guess I'm scared to trust him, and I can't believe I got myself into this mess. When I'm with him, he's sweet and loving and kind. We enjoy a lot of things together...going to the beach, concerts, eating out, wine tasting parties. He's a lot like me and has been very successful in his career, so I know he's worried about finances, with this divorce. And so when I'm with him I feel I can trust him. But then when we're apart, I am plagued by doubts. And I worry he's going to change his mind about the divorce...and before you ask, I know that it's really filed - those petitions are public record, I went online for my state (CA) and saw that she filed for divorce in mid-October. I think he's just mostly concerned about having to pay child support and alimony for her and his two boys - he doesn't mind the child support, but he doesn't want to be plagued by maintenance issues as well... sigh. It's so complicated. I wish I'd walked away before I fell so hard for this man...

this was so wrong.

Thank you Danielle for your advise and good wishes. I'm trying to love myself but the desperation to talk to him and be with him always takes over. I'm trying, trying to work him out of my heart. Being so far away from him you would think that would make it easier but it doesn't, when I don't hear from him I worry what has happened, is he hurt, is he mad at me, has he decided he's so in love with her he's just cut me off, will he ever call again. These thoughts continue to haunt me and thoughts of him consume my thoughts so badly that I find myself in conversation with someone and realize I have no idea what they just said.

I'm lost, sad, alone, confused and hurting. I just want to make it stop. I love him so desperately and at the same time don't want to. This all just hurts so much.

STN,
Girl..... your words, spirit, and progress have truly moved me today. I am so happy that you have found your "place" in the midst of the chaos we found ourselves in. It is still a challenge everyday for me (cause lord knows i loved the fool), but I am so proud when I look at how far we have come.

XOXO
daniellejordan

Hi guys,
I'm facing the same prob as all of u out there...in love with a married man and it sucks..those secret short dates-i even attended his wedding! U guys actually said all the things i've done, felt..i wish i had someone for support...i know its my fault for falling in love with such a man..but..i really cant step out of it..its been nearly 2 yrs..

Hello STN and Danielle,
I wanted you to know that I took all your wonderful words to heart. I also want you to know I sang in the car on the way home yesterday. The last few weeks I've cried all the way home, wrapped up in the pain and sorrow of the situation with my MM. So sad with thoughts of things he's done and said lately, longing for it to be the way it was during spring and summer. Yesterday was different, I felt awakened to see the situation in a different light, to see him in a different light. I have a feeling right now he is going through a very tough time if it is in fact true that his wife left him, and dealing with me and our feelings through that is too much for him, which is likely why he hasn't called except to ask me if I've called or mailed him anything. Realizing how hurt and upset he must be over the loss of his wife has also made me realize he has no love for me at all and all the love he is capable of for her. At least I do know he doesn’t have love for me in a sincere romantic way, he wants me, he wants to f**k me, he doesn’t want to make love to me, I truly don’t think he ever did. I’m glad to know that his wife’s leaving also had nothing to do with me, she didn’t know we were talking and ultimately that is all it was, talking.

I do love him, I know I always will. Why, I don’t know, I guess hearing him say over the past many years of how he loves me keeps me loving him. I’m sorry if he’s hurting now, I wish I could help him, as a friend, find happiness. That isn’t possible. Our physical desire for eachother will always get in the way of any love or friendship we could ever have. I’m going to focus on making things right where I am now and move on. I’m grateful that I didn’t become physical with my MM again, I guess it’s true, there is a reason for everything.

I’ll let you know how things move on and if I’m able to stay on this new path without my MM. I’m sure he’ll call me again some time when he comes out of this mess he’s in (with our without his wife) and that will be the great test for me. If I hear his voice will I fall into his web again? I do hope I’m strong enough to stay out of it, and I actually hope now he works things out with his wife, he obviously loves her.

Thank you STN, and you too Danielle. Your words of wisdom are definitely something that has helped me to respect myself and try to move on. I’ll keep you both in my prayers for happy times. We’ll all keep in touch.

Corinne

First of all it isn't YOUR fault for falling in love with him. You were in need of something he seemed to be offering. We have NO control of who our heart falls in love with. Sometimes it is right, and sometimes it is wrong but either way, it happens. I had a physical relationship with my MM for 2 years before he moved away and we've kept it going just over the phone now for almost 18 years. I love him, with every part of my being, but that love hurts usually all the time. If your MM hasn't left his wife by now for you, it is unlikely he will, even if he says so. Remember he is likely telling her she's his one and only as well. Try and do as STN and Danielle have told me, learn to love yourself, realize you deserve better. It is hard and hurts like hell to let go of someone you love. It will take time, belive me I know, I'm working on it myself. Read some of STN's recent entries, they are very helpful in helping you reflect on the situation.

What's best for you sound like getting away from the MM. You love him, you always will, but he will take you no where but to a painful place you don't want to be.

Best wishes to you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. The women on this site are good people and we all seem to be able to understand eachother with compassion and without judgement. We are all in it together and can perhaps get out of it together.

CB

Hi 81pyldj262...

I have posted a couple of times but no advice to me has been given I just read all the posts, which lately the majority of them are stories of leaving the MM.

I am still with my MM, we just hit a year and I am happy, things seem to be falling into place, I am hear to lend an ear if you wish, tell me about your story.....

Hi STN,
I'm having a particularly sad moment so I thought I'd take a moment to write. It is mid afternoon here and the 3 "usual" times my MM would call have all passed without so much as a ring. I can't help but wonder where he is, what is he doing. Is he hurting, begging her to come back, making love with her, forgotten about me? 4 days ago he called me 11 times, 11. Now I only heard from him that one time to see if I called his job, in 4 days. I don't understand why he doesn't call when he knows how I care and how I worry about him. Then again, showing how he doesn't care about me, he wouldn't call if he was trying to work it out with her. Why am I so blind, why did I let myself believe all he said, the beautiful things he said he felt about me and wanted to share with me. Why are those very things hurting me so badly now. Why does he so obviously not give a shit about me, what I'm feeling and what he does to me. It's so unfair, I was in his life long before her, hell she was just a kid when he and I first got together, why is she who gets to push me out of his heart. That is selfish of me isn't it, he did ask me to marry him years ago, just before her, but I couldn't at the time. Maybe I can feel better knowing at the time she was his second choice, but she wins now.

I'm just so sad and confused, I understand so little and know nothing of what is going on. I didn't even get a chance to say good bye, although I don't know if that would have been easier or not. Good bye's are so painful. Maybe it is good that the last real conversation we had he said "love you, good night" rather than I'm over you, I'm in love with her, good bye. I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm just feeling lost at the moment, I so desperately want the phone to ring and hear his sweet voice.

Corinne

Hi again ladies,

It's a new day here and I'm feeling a little panicky, so I thought I'd write. Sometimes I lose my perspective and get really nervous about all kinds of things related to my MM. I guess I'm okay at the moment, but I'm trying to fight off that feeling by writing here. I'm probably just going to ramble, so please don't feel like you have to read it (I write too much as it is:)! So my latest plan is to plan a trip to the Himalayas for next October. I've always wanted to go there, to the 'roof of the world' and go hiking (I'm actually afraid of heights, so I'll be taking the light and easy trails, but whatever). I feel like if I can get through this emotional disaster I've been going through, I should go and stand on top of the world, looking down on snow-capped mountains, forests and glaciers, like someone who won a gigantic battle. Just the idea of fresh air and clean water is appealing by itself. There was actually a time this past summer when even seeing wind blowing through the leaves of a tree hurt me and made me cry; I think during that time I wanted all the beautiful things in the world out of my life - I couldn't even pet a cat or dog, I just turned away from everything, food, sleep, water...everything. I'm not sure what was making me do that, but I'm glad that I'm interested in my life's goals again, going to the Himalayas is defintely one of them.
To be honest Corinne, I think your separation is going to be something that takes a mountain of energy and willpower to deal with. I've loved my MM for many years, but never like I have in the past year - we were never intimate before this past year and just getting over a year-long attachment is taking everything I've got. I just don't know how things will go for you after 18 years and a child. I'll be here for you in any way I can.
xoxo, STN

Hi Allison, Ive read your recent posts and Im glad everything is going great for you! Ive talked to you before and I think our stories are very similar...can you do me a favor and email me at Paradiselvr8887@yahoo.com I would like to chat further with you!

Hi all,
I am 81plydJ, some annoymous name given by e forum. anyway, I will log in as Jgirl now.
I am really glad that u all responded to me and very touched by the way u gals support one another... I always thought no one understands and I have no one to talk to cos this is nothing to be proud of and at times I am simply ashamed at myself for falling for a 2 timer.

My MM jus got married last mth. I met him 2 yrs back when he was engaged and many times he wanted to stop contacting me but did not eventually. He loves me, but he can readily give me up for his wife. I know it, cos he often mention :" In future if we can't meet up or..." He'd nv leave her for me and he made it very clear frm the beginning of the relationship.
I'm young, attractive and have got many suitors but I cant seem to bring myself to go out on dates with those guys. even if i do go out, my heart is with him and at times i really feel that i'd rather be alone than be with someone else i have no feelings for. I know u all must be nodding ur head and agreeing with me. Thats the trap we are in, and i really wanna get out of it.

Do u ladies ever wonder...perhaps if we really had a chance to live with the MM in our lives, we might realise in time to come that they are not the one we thought we wanted? Cos our relationship with them are so flowery without commitments and very less fights, therefore the times spent are full of joy and sexual pleasure without worrying abt kids, money, job...

Jus to share a short story with u guys..I have an aunt i live with, she's 67 and she had been with her MM for over 40 years! He comes over once in awhile, only to have lunch or sex and thats all. He comes over when he feels like it and i see him text my aunt:"IM BUSY TODAY" "NO TIME" on her cell.

I often question myself: Do i wanna be like her when i'm her age? Alone everyday during retirement, no one to share her woes with, and having to give in to an old man's sexual desires even after menopause?!
She wasted her youth on him and I am sure, she regrets. If she could turn back time, I'm sure she'd grit her teeth and move on and meet some other guys and have a companion she loves who loves her in return now.

I seriously do not want to wait till im old and all my frens are married and no one wants me... and before i know it i have given up all my opportunities for a guy who might jus say:"hey, this isnt getting us anywhere..its hard but we got to move on".

It sure is hard..and I really admire U brave gals who even initiated to stop meeting up with ur MM. U gals are so brave. I cant do it... He seem to be the reason i live, the reason i work, the reason i drive, the reason I am me. THe one in control of my life is him, and i seriously hate that feeling.

For u gals who have started to move on, congrates and dont look back!! Keep moving on..u'd get there. The hardest is to take the 1st step out, which I can't seem to do.................

Hello again STN
It is afternoon here now, the time where about 4 usual call times have passed and, as much as I'd love to tell you my MM called, he hasn't. I can almost hear some of the judgmental people I've seen on this site saying get over yourself he isn't going to call. Yes I know I'm the other woman, yes I know he has a wife who he is probably trying desperately to get back to now that she has made herself the one turning away (just like you said he might do to me). That doesn't make it any easier. I have to admit I tried to call him from what I know was an unidentifiable number, but no one answered. I can't help but wonder was he there and just didn't answer because he knew it was me or is he truly out. It is at a time of day he'd be home alone so it is one or the other, he's ignoring me or...well....he's ignoring me. There is so much history between us, so many years and emotions shared and felt, even our child. I just don't understand why he is just cutting me off like this, complete and total shut out. I feel like I'm spinning out of control, my heart breaks more and more with each passing moment. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breath, like I’m suffocating and wind up in a ball on my knees. I love him, I love him so much and I can’t believe he is done with me so quickly and abruptly. We shared feelings, love, mailed eachother notes and things, we talked about the future and the past, memories and beautiful dreams. When we hung up on Sunday he said “I love you, good night” and that was it. How the hell did I go from that to being the outsider. He was so afraid of some pictures he’d sent to me that once I saw them I’d say good bye. That was as recently as a week ago, he was so afraid I would no longer be interested. I told him I loved him and nothing would change that and after I saw them I still loved him, I told him even more then before. What the hell is happening? I’m so lost, the pain is just too much. Why does he not care I was there Monday when he wanted me to be and we didn’t catch up with eachother, how could he not care that we have a child together, how and why is he doing this.

Hello again STN,
I noticed that my first post today didn’t seem to make it on the page. I can’t remember all I said on there but I agreed with you that a trip to the Himalayas sounds like a beautiful idea, it would be very therapeutic for you. I’m so happy that you are able to realize your MM loves you and that the two of you have just come to an understanding that your hearts will always be one but you lives can never be together. That is a painful definition for you I know, but knowing you love him, and he loves you just as much will hopefully bring you some comfort and peace.

I find great peace visiting the ocean. I love everything about the shoreline and find it so serine and tranquil. Unfortunately peace like that for me brings memories of my MM. You know we started talking this spring, and prior to that it had been about a year and a half that we had spoken. I always would think about him during that time, where he was, was he happy but somehow I always knew he still loved me. Now that our communications became so very frequent and our expressions of love became much more intense I’m crushed at the loss of it. I regret ever contacting him this past spring, I supposed I should have just let it alone even though he has repeatedly asked me why I waited so long to call. Now that I think he’s gone quiet time is unbearable. I can hear his voice so clearly in my head telling me he loves me, that he needs me, that he wants me. Beautiful words he said to me. I’m haunted by them.

I hope the planning of your trip continues, it sounds beautiful. You are on a wonderful path to happiness and peace, the memories of your MM will be beautiful and love will find you, be sure of that. I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Corinne

Hi JGirl,

I just wanted to write a quick note to say that yes, I think you're right, we probably would see the down-sides to our MM if we were actually married to them...but somehow I'd rather be with my MM with all of his faults than alone or with someone I love less. And that's the trick for me and it sounds like you too - that is to find someone you love as much as you love your MM. I can't do it. I finally just told myself, after months of agony, that it will be healthier for me to be alone for the rest of my life than it would be for me to keep wanting a life with him. But that decision is so painful, especially in the beginning, that it's almost impossible to make it straight out. Pulling away little by little worked better for me because I just wasn't able to find the strength to do it any faster. The problem is that I live where my MM works, so I just can't escape him long enough to make a clean break.
I think you're thinking along the right lines: you definitely don't want to end up like your aunt, that situation sounds so sad. I don't know what it is with these men who treat us all like spare tires or side-dishes. Do we all have signs on our foreheads that say 'Please mistreat me'???! I don't get why they think it's okay to give us so little and expect so much and I don't get why we're willing to do it - but God help us, we are. How do other women get men to treat them better? I think I missed the boat, I just don't get it. I don't meet men I like and finally, when I did fall in love, it was with someone who had nothing to offer me other than occasional affection and lots of adoration...and lots of pain and suffering.
Don't be too hard on yourself if you can't make that first step away from your MM right now. It's a good sign that your mind is willing and hopefully your emotions will learn to follow your head, little by little or even suddenly and all at once. It sounds like your at the very beginning of a horribly hard but healthier path.
By the way ladies, Corinne and Danielle, I just found out that I'll be on assignment back here in the Middle East next year...living in the same spot I'm in now after an 8 month stint in Italy. That means I'll be around my MM again for about 16 more months starting next July or August. This news would have made me so happy at one time, and now it makes me feel like I'm going to be thrown back in prison, the mental and emotional prison that I've been in for so long and have tried so hard to escape. I just can't believe it. In some ways I'm just hoping that the time I spend in Italy in between will help me make all the necessary adjustments so that when I come back, none of this will feel so hard. UGgh!!! Maybe I should just quit my damn job and get a new life all together.
Anyway, JGirl, take good care of yourself and we'll be here waiting to hear how you're doing.
xoxo, STN

Hello STN and all,
Trust me i know exactly how u feel..in fact we all do know how one another feel n im so glad theres a place like this for all of us to come together..

Stn: I know that im thinking on e right track but like all of us here, our brains tell us something but our heart tells us another.
It seems like each time we and our MMS wana pull away..there are loads of other factors that keeps us together, don u all agree? I wonder why...well there might be lots of reasons.. Should we really surrender to this??cos it seems not matter how hard we try we jus tire ourselves out. And things jus go back to square one again.

Jus wondering if any of u know any women with MMs and the managed to leave their MM for someone else better,more worth it??
COs it seems that most Other women like jus, hardly move on ....

hello dear STN,

Was reading on lost out time... was having problems with my computer back home. well i am degected you did not miss me :-(... but good to hear you are doing better.
me i finally broke off day before yesterday. i go from quite to a raving manic. but i am going to get through this. Men are such weak creatures and selfish creatures. i have been home, sitting and crying, took off, wanted to sleep but could not. when the hurt comes its like a tide, you cry and cry, and then peace for a little while.
he calls, and says sorry, but does that really help... says he wants to help me with the pain... etc but what help is he 2000 miles away... so i told him not to call... it only reminds me of what i do not have, and makes me mad with grief.

i dont know if he will get more loving etc... as everyone on this site suggests, as you start drawing away, so i have no idea what i will feel then... there is a part of me that hates him, he was my best friend of 11 years, how could he do this to me? how could he do this if he was never going to tell his wife. he knows how much hurt i have been through in my life... i keep asking that to him, and myself... he says he just fell in love, and thought he will find the courage do the right thing, but he never did, and does not think he will... he says all the wonderful stuff, and i wonder what all does he tell his wife?

i totally understand when you say you cry on streets, me too, cant stop the tears sometimes... but it will get better, it will... it has to

to all the suffering women here, keep your faith it will get better, we need to learn to love ourselves more

take care

dali

Hello Jgirl,

You and I are in the same place in that we both know in our heads that we need to pull away from our MM and at the same time our hearts have a stronger hold on what we feel and do.

I can't offer great advise as STN does on how to accomplish pulling away and finding that greater place, it is a difficult process and one I'm in the middle of right now as you are. My relationship with my MM took a bad turn a couple of months ago and his sincerity has deminished to nothing but erotic sexual thoughts. It seems you've at least have made the first step and first realize that you will need to pull away, doing it is something entirely on its own and takes great time and patience. It hurts, don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell, but realizing we deserve better is our first step. I am trying but I'm so desperately in love with my MM that the idea of being without him seems paralyzing. Time will decide what destiny holds for us.

I'll keep you in my thoughts for peace and happiness. I look forward to continuing communicating with you.

Corinne

Jgirl and Corinne
Well STN knows my motto. Fuck em. I say it and i'm going to keep saying it. I cut my MM loose after 1.5 years and I've never been happier. I get angry Corinne when I hear how upset you are. He is not worth all this pain and agony; taking you through all these changes. Ask STN, I yelled at her all the time for letting her MM drive her emotions. Corinne, the next time he calls you, tell him to take a "one-way trip to hell." I guarantee he will start blowing your phone up calling you 20-30 times a day. I speak the truth..... STN is my witness. And yes, I keep it real. I'm not all warm and fuzzy like her (love you girl). But aren't you sick of this motherf*cker taking you through all this BS. Get angry about it, dammit. Ain't nobody goin give you better unless you demand better.

I gotta bring the quote out... Never make someone a priority in your life while allowing yourself to be their option.

Ladies, it's all love..... just a lil bit a tough love. Love ya'll

Hello Smarter Than This,
I have been meaning to respond to your postings. In a way, I guess I never responded because it seems as though you got it all together. Your MM is actually getting a divorce. The majority of us on this board would love to have accomplished that. Or at least I know I would have. So I really didn't know how to respond to your post. But on this board, we stick together...so if you need advice and the like, we need to be here for you as well. I understand the "trust" issue, but you have to let that go. You know how you met him, so just look for the warning signs and go from there. You were once the OW, so you know exactly what to look for. If you'd like to talk more about it further, just hit me back and I'll respond. Just so I know you're still around (before I post a long message) since no one initially responded to your post.

Hello Dali,
It is wonderful to see you back on the site, I've wondered what happened to you. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. You've given me inspiration and an understand heart, I hope I can do the same for you.

You are correct in we all need to love ourselves a little more, and move on. The pain of accepting we can not be with the one we love can at times be overwhelming, but with each day comes more acceptance and understanding. You MM loves you, move on with that, no argument, no hate, just the love you have and the understanding that it isn't your destiny. We are all learning destiny and fate are harsh sometimes and don't always hand us what we most desire. So as you've told me, love yourself, love your MM and remember all the good that your realtionship brought you trying not to focus on the what if's and if only's.

I'm traveling down the same path, my MM is 600 miles away, he's alone now (for the time being), angry and depressed and yet still unwilling to come get me (like I told you before). He said to me "come and get me, if you loved me you'd be here, talk is cheap". I'd love to hear him say "my life is open to you, I love you so much I'll wait for you, we'll spend the rest of our days together". No, I hear he's tired of the BS, he wants to F**K me (I've always preferred making love, f**k sounds so dime store hookerish). Anyway, he's hurting right now and in turn hurting me. STN has given me some great insite on how to follow the path to peace but it is a bumpy path and full of harsh reality. I don't know if my MM loves me but it sounds like your's loves you. Keep him and the happiness you shared with him in your heart, it will help you move on.

We'll communicate soon, take care of yourself and try to be happy.

CB (Corinne)

Dali!
I'm so glad you're back. To be honest, I thought that things were going so well for you that you just decided not to remind yourself of the painful times by writing here again. Anyway, I'm really sorry you've hit on difficult times with your MM. I've also been pretty angry about my MM's not being 'able' (or willing) to find a way to keep me. There's something inside me telling me, at this point, that I'm going to be glad I made the break, but I feel so betrayed that he hasn't done more to make things viable between us. It's a real let down, I'm so disappointed in him in this respect...even though I know there's not a lot he can do, I wish he at least gave the appearance of having tried absolutely everything...he hasn't really made me feel that way, I sense more that he's giving up and doing what's easiest for him. But like I said, there's no real way for things to work with us right now anyway - he's got 6 kids to send to university and he's married to his cousin. those are ties that bind for a lifetime. I'm not sure that he gets more 'loving' when I pull away, I meant to say that he gets more manipulative, he tries to get me dependent on him again when I start to back away...but this just means he starts doing everything he knows I want him to do. I guess I'm being hard on him tonight, but in many ways this is pretty much true. I think I'm just trying to say I get why you feel hurt and disappointed in your MM, I get it completely. This bad feeling of disappointment has actually helped me get over him that much faster (not easier, but it's definitely speeding up the process). now that I can see he will never move mountains to save our relationship, I just don't want to invest as much in it as before. Oh well. The good news is that things are finally getting better, the horrible aches I was feeling, dizziness, lack of appetite, etc etc are all gone. I'm hurt, really hurt, but I'm not suffering like before. I almost feel numb ... or just plain exhausted from it all. I know you'll find a better place for your heart in the future. I hope it comes quickly for you. xoxo, STN

I am i n love with a married man