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  Can this relationship be saved?
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KOM2002 (plain)  Can this relationship be saved?

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reply ** Re: Can this relationship be saved? , Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92 , 21 Jul 2007 23:22
plain Can this relationship be saved? , 21 Jul 2007 00:38
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Can this relationship be saved?
From: ******
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2007 00:38:29 +0200
Language: English

 


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I had experienced many problems between January 07 to March 07 where I was diagnosed with severe stress and depression. I was put on mild antidepressant drugs until the middle of June. During the month of June I was feeling very good. My energy and spirits were high and I exhibited a very positive attitude. I was trying very hard to show Jean the changes I had made to my behavior. Unfortunately, these changes weren’t being appreciated. Jean wanted her “space”.
Living under the same roof was not giving either of us space.
The week of June 17th, I was becoming very frustrated as Jean was arrived home at 6:00 a.m. on Monday June 18th. She indicated that she had gone out with girlfriends and have had too much wine to drink she stayed over at their place until she was able to drive home. A few days later she didn’t arrive home until 3:00 a.m. as she was over at her mom’s, talking. On Friday June 22nd, she was on call to work at the Spa. She had indicated that she only had 4 appointments for the day. During the evening I had gone down to the Spa to see if my car was in the parking lot. It was not. Unfortunately, I waited for her to get home, which wasn’t around until 10:00 p.m.
I was very upset. I was expecting her to be home early so that we could have dinner together. I asked her why she couldn’t have given me a quick call. She indicated that she didn’t have the time because she had new clients plus a meeting with the owners of the Spa. I said that it took only a minute to make a phone call. She indicated again that she didn’t have the time.
I then lost it! I told her I wasn’t running a four star hotel where she could come and go as she pleased. That she hadn’t or wasn’t making any contributions to living expenses. I told her that I was totally frustrated and didn’t like being rejected. I also told her that I didn’t like being “used” or taken for granted.
The words began to “fly” between us as our anger increased. I indicated that if she was going to leave that all she would be leaving with was the clothes and personal items that she came into the relationship.
I then said that I would kick her out of the house, whereby, I picked her up and attempted to put her outside, once I had opened the door. She resisted and when I put her down on the carpet of the living room, she began kicking and I accidentally pulled her hair. She then became totally outraged. We went into the kitchen where I pulled a knife and held it over her head. I have never displayed any violence in my life, nor in my relationship to Jean. I can only believe that I was totally frustrated by the way I was being treated and “used” and that I was experiencing some kind of reaction to my stress and depression. Maybe I needed to be on the pills longer.
I apologized to Jean after I was able to calm down and told her that I would never cause her any harm her as I wasn’t a violent person. Nothing more was said that weekend.
Monday, I had to travel to Victoria for the week on business. I had spoken to Jean several times during the week while I was out of town. When I had returned home on Friday, June 29th, Jean had completely moved out taking almost all her possessions which she could move. It appeared that she had been planning and packing all week based by everything she took from the home and storage.

She had also taken my car and cell phone which I had purchased.
I confronted Jean on Saturday, June 30th and gave her some letters I had written all night. I told her I would give her the “space” that she wanted.
She indicated that she would give the car and cell phone back when she was ready. In order to keep the lines of communication open, I suggested that she
use the car and cell phone.

I was away in San Diego, July 12 to 18th. During that time I sent Jean daily e-text messages apologizing for my behavior and actions, as well as, what I had been learning from my readings about relationships.

I asked to meet with her on Thursday, July 19th, as I had renewed the car insurance which was due that day and I needed to give her the insurance decal.

Originally we were supposed to meet between 7:00 & 8:00 p.m. I finally contacted her around 9:00 p.m. and she indicated that she was tied up in a meeting with a detective as her brother was having some problems. She asked if we could meet around 10:00 p.m. At 10:10 she called to say that she was going out for a “bite” to eat with her mother and would meet me at 10:30. Having waited until 11:00 p.m. she finally called to say that she was at the border and would be at Starbuck’s soon.

We talked and she stated that once she had made the decision to move out she knew she wasn’t coming back. She stated that she had enough with my behavior, which mostly was a result of stress & depression. She indicated that at the age of 9, she watched how her dad had treated her mother. She realized then that she was never going to be in the same type of relationship.
Except for the odd disagreement, which was about once a year, we enjoyed being with each other very much. We were always complimented on how we were the perfect couple.
She knows what caused the alienation between us, but the only image she has is with me standing and holding the knife above her head. She indicated that would be an image she would always see when looking at me!
I tried to tell her that would be a side of me she would never see from me ever again. That my actions were a result of frustration, lack of respect, being “used” and stress & depression related.
She said that she needed her space and that she was in control of herself & her space. She indicated that she would give the car and cell phone back within the month so that she didn’t feel that I had any control over her. She also indicated that she didn’t have any money as she had to do some repairs to the car. So she is dealing with her own problems as well, which also includes her brother being in trouble with the law in Bellingham, plus, her mother’s home, which has been under renovations for 2 years is still not completed.

She had no intentions of ever coming back into the relations. I told her that I wouldn’t contact her, either by phone or e-mail and that I would respect giving her space and time to let the situation calm down. She knows that I love her very much and that I would make changes to my behavior and relationship in order to rebuild Respect and Trust again. I indicated that I wanted to take the positives out of our 7 years together and take “baby steps” in rebuilding our relationship.

Talking to her Friday morning, she indicated that she needed her space and that she was pleased that I had taken the necessary steps in discovering who I was and what I had learned about relationships. But she was not going to be coming back!

I know that she is deeply hurt and has that image of my holding the knife above her head.
Can this relationship be saved over time? Or is it time to move on?





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** Re: Can this relationship be saved? (Reply to: 105054 from ****** )
From: Gunborg Palme - Leg psykolog - Leg psykoterapeut - Telefon 08-664 60 92
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2007 23:22:12 +0200
Language: English

 


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I do no know how she feels, but I would not dare to stay with a man who had threatened me with a knife, even if I loved him.




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KOM 2002