Re: im in love with a married man

Ok, Im going in for a blood test in just a few hours. I am 10 days late now and I have tested negitive on hpts 5 times now. The last test I took was this morning. He is convenced Im not pregnant but I really am not sure considering I haven't missed a period in probably 5 or 6 years. I went to the store yesterday and spent over $200 in baby stuff. My sister, my sister's step sister, my sisters cousin and my bestfriend are all pregnant and due in a few months so if I turn out not to be then everything is going to them but if it turns out I am then I'll keep the stuff for my own and just give them what I already bought for them. if Im pregnant then I'll be due on my ex's sister's birthday which is also the same date as if you take my birth date and minus daddy's birth date. It's really wierd. I was just playing around yesterday playing old games like MASH and true love and I took our birth dates and subtracted them and the date that came up was Jan 20, the day I would be due if it turns out I am. Part of me is scared to death but then the other part of me is going to have a mega break down if the test comes back negitive. He's going to die if I am. I told him that I tested earlier today and it was negitive and that I think he's in the clear that he wont be having anymore kids yet at least from me and he said "Thankgod." I couldn't reply back to him. It really upset me that he was so happy about not having a baby with me. I know deep down that he was probably just talking about having kids in generaly but Im just in a wierd place right now and want to believe the worst about everything. He's told me before that if He was single that the whole baby situation would be different. So I know Im just putting too much thought into it but I cant help it. I get really upset every time I take an hpt and it comes out negitive. I should be happy Im not pregnant but I think deep down I really want my own baby. Im with my niece and nephew every day and night but it's not the same as having someone that who get to shape and mold and raise the way you think is the right way and not just having to do what someone else wants you to do. I mean my sister loves me as a babysitter because Im the only one that actually takes care of her kids the way she would but theres things I would deffinately do different and I think Im just really wanting that chance. To prove I'd be a good mom. You know I really wonder if He'll ever leave and if I will get the chance to be mommy by him making me a mommy. Part of me really thinks yes and the other part is saying shut up you fool, you know it's never going to happen, stop living in a fairytale, cinderella. Well, ok.. I'll let you all know the results when I find out. ttyl